


✓✓ Read

by Boyue



Series: ✓✓ Read [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Ableist Language, Abusive Parents, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Derogatory Language, Explicit Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, References to Depression, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Texting, excessive use of dog memes, excessive use of the word bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boyue/pseuds/Boyue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>WENDY</b><br/>Nice picture but you have the wrong number.</p>
<p>AKA how Stan Marsh met Kyle Broflovski through a dick pic mishap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This fic is written entirely in text message format (with a few exceptions in the later chapters) because who has time to read prose.  
> 2\. There is a plot to it. I think.  
> 3\. This was funnier in my head...

_Fri, Mar 12, 11:37 PM_

**STAN**  
_[image]_  
:)  
**WENDY**  
Nice picture but you have the wrong number.  
**STAN**  
Wendy?  
**WENDY**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Who's this  
**WENDY**  
The person you just sent a dick picture to.  
**STAN**  
Aww shit I'm so sorry!!  
Wrong number  
**WENDY**  
I know. I told you so.

_11:49 PM_

**STAN**  
This is the number she gave me tho  
**WENDY**  
I promise you. I'm not the intended recipient of your lovely photograph.  
**STAN**  
you think she gave me a fake number on purpose??  
**WENDY**  
Possibly.  
**STAN**  
Why would she do that???  
**WENDY**  
Maybe you struck her as the sort of man who would send pictures of your private parts if she gave you her real number.  
Just a thought.  
**STAN**  
But she told me to do it!!!  
**WENDY**  
Did she specifically say, “Send me a photo of your penis?”  
**STAN**  
No… not like that but I knew what she was getting at  
**WENDY**  
Clearly, you didn't.  
**STAN**  
Then what was she getting at?  
**WENDY**  
I wouldn’t know.  
**STAN**  
You think I took down the wrong number maybe? Like I put 6 instead of 8?  
**WENDY**  
There's no 6 or 8 in my number.  
**STAN**  
Oh shit you're right  
**WENDY**  
I think we both know what happened here.  
**STAN**  
What? What happened??  
**WENDY**  
Seriously?  
**STAN**  
What???  
She was pretty drunk  
Maybe she just messed up  
**WENDY**  
You believe whatever you want to believe. You still have the wrong number.  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Sorry about this

_12:13 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey are you a girl?  
**WENDY**  
I'm not interested.  
**STAN**  
No!!! I'm just asking? Just wanna know if some girl just has a pix of my junk you know  
**WENDY**  
You're thinking about that now? Not before you took that picture and sent it to an unconfirmed  
number?  
**STAN**  
GOD I didn’t know it was the wrong number  
What would you do  
**WENDY**  
I probably wouldn't send that kind of pictures out in the first place.  
**STAN**  
I thought she liked me  
Damn it I thought I was gonna get some tonight you know  
**WENDY**  
I don't want to know.  
**STAN**  
K  
So you aren't a girl?  
**WENDY**  
I'm going to stop responding now.  
**STAN**  
K  
Sorry

 

_Sat, Mar 13, 2:07 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey  
You live in South Park by any chance?  
We have the same area code so I thought we might be in the same area  
**NOT WENDY**  
Why are you still texting me?  
**STAN**  
I just wanna know if you live close by  
This is gonna be super weird if you do  
Like you could be the guy bagging my stuff at whole food and j wouldn't even know  
**NOT WENDY**  
I don't work at Whole Foods.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
So where do you work  
**NOT WENDY**  
I'm not answering that.  
**STAN**  
I'm not trying to be a creep I just wanna know  
This is really bothering me  
Not knowing who you are  
**NOT WENDY**  
You reap what you sow.  
**STAN**  
Aw come on dude  
I don't even know if you're a dude  
I don't think you're a girl tho  
You don't talk like one  
**NOT WENDY**  
How does a girl talk like?  
**STAN**  
More emoji  
**NOT WENDY**  
Σ(‘◉⌓◉’)  
**STAN**  
K  
So definitely a dude  
**NOT WENDY**  
Does that make you feel better?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh not really  
Now I know some guy I don't know saw my dick  
I didn’t sign up for this  
**NOT WENDY**  
And I've seen the dick of some guy I don't know so really who has it worse here?  
**STAN**  
kkkkkk i’m sorry  
Sorry you had to see my dick  
Hey what did you do with the pix  
**NOT WENDY**  
I put it up on Tumblr.  
**STAN**  
For real?  
Is it getting notes?  
I want my dick to be tumblr famous  
**NOT WENDY**  
You're unbelievable.  
**STAN**  
Hey you were the one who said it was lovely  
You could use it for an aesthetic instagram post  
**NOT WENDY**  
Technological limitations prevent me to convey sarcasm through text.  
I deleted it. Obviously.  
No one is going to use your picture for an aesthetics post.  
**STAN**  
I would  
**NOT WENDY**  
I question your aesthetic taste.  
**STAN**  
Not my fault you can’t appreciate a beautiful thing  
What's your name  
**NOT WENDY**  
Why?  
**STAN**  
So I can save it in my phone to this number?  
**NOT WENDY**  
What am I saved under now?  
**STAN**  
Not Wendy  
**NOT WENDY**  
That seems accurate enough. I can live with that.  
**STAN**  
Oh come on  
I’m Stan btw  
**NOT WENDY**  
Hi Stan btw.  
I’ve never seen that last name before.  
It’s interesting.  
**STAN**  
-_-  
A name  
That’s all i want  
Come on  
**NOT WENDY**  
How about you change it to “Person I Should Stop Bothering?”  
**STAN**  
Am I bothering you  
**NOT WENDY**  
No, I'm having a tremendously enjoyable time.  
**STAN**  
K I don't need a fancy app to know your being sarcastic  
**NOT WENDY**  
*You're.  
**STAN**  
Oooh you're one of those people  
Figure  
You sound kinda stuck up  
**NOT WENDY**  
Appreciating good grammar doesn't make me a stuck-up.  
**STAN**  
Yeah it does  
And an asshole on top of that  
I wasn't even being rude or anything  
What's so bad about asking for your name  
I was just trying to get to know you  
**NOT WENDY**  
Why would you want to do that?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Cuz you keep responding to my texts?  
Kinda sound to me you wanna talk so…  
**NOT WENDY**  
I was being polite.  
I can block you in a second.  
**STAN**  
K  
Then block me

 

_Mon, Mar 15, 9:22 AM_

**STAN**  
Hi  
Did you really block me?  
**NOT WENDY**  
I think I should’ve.  
**STAN**  
lol  
Sup dude  
Hey look sorry I called you an asshole  
And for being pushy  
This whole thing is just weird and messed up and I was really embarrassed and frustrated  
It’s not your fault I got the wrong number  
So yeah I'm sorry man again for what i said and the pix  
You don't have to talk to me anymore if you don't wanna  
I just wanted to get that off my chest

_11:07 AM_

**NOT WENDY**  
It's Kyle.  
**STAN**  
Hey Kyle :)  
So we cool?  
**KYLE**  
I’m debating.  
In the meantime, I guess I’ll set your contact picture.  
Can you get me one with a better angle? The one you sent has bad lighting.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh  
**KYLE**  
I'm kidding.  
Don't send me more nudes.  
**STAN**  
Not gonna be a problem my man  
Hey I thought you said you deleted it  
**KYLE**  
I lied.  
**STAN**  
…  
What are you gonna do with it  
**KYLE**  
Nothing nefarious.  
**STAN**  
D:  
Tell me  
Please  
Don’t put it on a porn site  
Please  
Please I’m begging you  
**KYLE**  
You’re okay with it posted on Tumblr but not on a porn site.  
**STAN**  
PLEASE  
DON’T SHAME ME LIKE THAT  
**KYLE**  
I won’t.  
Not right now, anyway.  
**STAN**  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN  
**KYLE**  
I’m keeping it for leverage.  
**STAN**  
WHAT??  
For what????  
**KYLE**  
We’ll see.  
**STAN**  
I made a huge mistake.  
**KYLE**  
Yes, you have.  
**STAN**  
I’m deleting you.  
**KYLE**  
Bye.

 

_Wed, Mar 17, 4:04 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey you never answered me  
You live in south park?  
**KYLE**  
I swear I’m not your neighbor or the guy making your coffee.  
**STAN**  
I know that  
I’m just asking a general question  
**KYLE**  
Asking where I live is not a very general question.  
**STAN**  
Not gonna stalk you  
Promise  
Just curious  
Maybe I know you or something  
**KYLE**  
You don’t know me.  
**STAN**  
How can you know for sure  
**KYLE**  
I’d never befriend someone who sends nudes.  
**STAN**  
It WASN'T EVEN MEANT FOR YOU  
You got lucky  
**KYLE**  
You and I have very different definition of luck.  
**STAN**  
So? Do you?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, and no.  
**STAN**  
?  
**KYLE**  
I go to school in Denver right now.  
**STAN**  
Oh you're still in school?  
Wait shit you aren't like 13 are you???  
**KYLE**  
Maybe you should lead with that question next time.  
Before the “are you a girl” one.  
**STAN**  
Are you??  
I'm serious you gotta tell me  
I’m in enough trouble as it is  
**KYLE**  
I'm not 13.  
**STAN**  
K  
Whew  
Thank god  
How old are you  
**KYLE**  
That’s not a general question again.  
How old are you?  
**STAN**  
22  
Now you  
**KYLE**  
A year younger than you.  
When is your birthday?  
**STAN**  
Uuhh 10/19  
You?  
**KYLE**  
May.  
What's your social security number?  
**STAN**  
…  
Not cool  
**KYLE**  
It was worth a shot.  
**STAN**  
I legit don't even know that off the top of my head  
**KYLE**  
You don't know?  
**STAN**  
What would I even need it for  
**KYLE**  
A lot of things, actually.  
You should ask your mom for it.  
**STAN**  
What no  
I'm not gonna ask my mom  
**KYLE**  
Ask your dad then.  
**STAN**  
lol dude my dad probably don’t even know his own social security number  
Or what social security is  
He’s a joke  
**KYLE**  
You don’t know yours either.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh  
Which is totally his fault  
Obvs  
**KYLE**  
You should really know your own social security number though.  
It’s important.  
Go find out and then tell me.  
**STAN**  
lololol  
Yeah right  
I’m not stupid  
**KYLE**  
You could’ve fooled me.  
**STAN**  
Dude  
My feelings  
Don’t attack them like that  
What did i ever do to you  
**KYLE**  
_[image]_  
**STAN**  
GET OVER IT  
OMG  
You really didn’t delete it  
Why are you holding onto my pix like that  
Creep  
**KYLE**  
Scroll up.  
**STAN**  
Oh right  
Leverage  
So you go CU Denver/  
?*  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
woof  
Smartie pants  
**KYLE**  
Not really. I could’ve gone somewhere better.  
Did you just bark at me?  
**STAN**  
No  
yes  
I don’t know why i did that  
At least you're in college? I went to SPCC then dropped out :\  
**KYLE**  
You didn't transfer?  
**STAN**  
Naw school's not really my thing  
**KYLE**  
I can tell by your lack of punctuation.  
**STAN**  
Sorry COMMA I don't talk like an auto-correct PERIOD  
**KYLE**  
Auto-correct doesn’t fix punctuation, only spelling.  
**STAN**  
Read this  
Tell me what it says  
ADK1268  
**KYLE**  
Why?  
**STAN**  
I’m checking if you’re a bot  
**KYLE**  
With a reCAPTCHA…?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Are you a bot  
Are you here to enslave humanity and make us use oxford comma  
**KYLE**  
I don’t have to answer that.  
Oxford Comma is important.  
**STAN**  
YOULL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE  
**KYLE**  
We’ll see.

 

_Fri, Mar 19, 10:16 AM_

**STAN**  
Yo  
How’s it going dude?  
**KYLE**  
Oh, it’s you again.  
**STAN**  
BACK AT IT AGAAAAIN  
sup  
**KYLE**  
Do you really want to know or are you just asking?  
**STAN**  
I really wanna know  
But now i’m kinda afraid to know  
What’s going on  
**KYLE**  
I want to strangle my roommate.  
But what else is new?  
**STAN**  
Oh?  
It’s all new to me  
Talk to me man  
Fill me with your juicy gossip  
**KYLE**  
Don’t ever put those words together in that way again.  
**STAN**  
lol  
I don’t know what you’re talking about ;)  
So what’s happening?  
**KYLE**  
I found out this morning my roommate’s been using my toothbrush to clean the toilet.  
**STAN**  
HOLYYYY SHIIIT  
WHAT THE FUCK  
THAT’S MESSED UP  
**KYLE**  
Right?  
How can anyone be that huge of an asshole? He’s the worst. He’s rude. He has no common courtesy. He has no respect for me or for anyone for that matter.  
All he does is fart and make a mess and insult me for being Jewish.  
**STAN**  
You’re Jewish?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
Is that a problem?  
**STAN**  
Nope  
Just happy to know one more thing about you  
Anyways sorry to hear that man  
Sounds like you got a handful  
**KYLE**  
I can’t stand him.  
**STAN**  
Put hot sauce in his shampoo  
**KYLE**  
I don’t even know if he washes his hair, to be honest.  
**STAN**  
Laxative in his food  
Make him shit his pants  
**KYLE**  
Then I’d have his shit in my washer, which can then contaminate my clothes.  
**STAN**  
Damn  
Good point  
Punch him in the nuts  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
**STAN**  
You gonna do it?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll think about it.  
**STAN**  
Do it  
For the vine

_6:11 PM_

**STAN**  
Did you do it  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
That sucks  
I’d kick his ass for you if I were there  
**KYLE**  
I appreciate the thought but I don’t think you’d want to be anywhere near his ass.  
It’s toxic.  
**STAN**  
D:

 

_Sun, Mar 21, 11:33 AM_

**STAN**  
_[[image](http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aDm77AB_700b.jpg)]_  
ARE YOU SEEIG THIS  
**KYLE**  
No.  
I’m afraid to download it.  
**STAN**  
NO  
It’s nothing bad I SWEAR  
OPen it  
Kyle  
Did you open it yet  
KYLE OPEN IT  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I see.  
**STAN**  
DO YOU SEE  
**KYLE**  
It’s a dog.  
**STAN**  
YESSSSSSSS  
Well /  
?  
**KYLE**  
Well…What?  
**STAN**  
He looks like Dug!!!  
**KYLE**  
Who?  
**STAN**  
UHHHH  
Did you not watch UP  
**KYLE**  
Oh, right. The dog.  
**STAN**  
I pet him  
He’s so soft  
**KYLE**  
Did you randomly pet a random dog?  
**STAN**  
Not randomly  
He was at the dog park  
All dogs at the dog park are fair game  
**KYLE**  
I hope you asked its owner first.  
**STAN**  
But it’s such a good dog  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure it is.  
**STAN**  
THE BEST  
Are you not a dog person  
**KYLE**  
I’m not not a dog person.  
**STAN**  
Then why aren’t you excited about the dog???  
**KYLE**  
I convey my excitement differently.  
Why did you send this to me anyway?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh because he was a really cool dog??  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
**STAN**  
Are yo not cool with that  
**KYLE**  
I’m not not cool with it.  
**STAN**  
Then what’s the problme  
**KYLE**  
Nothing.  
Your spelling is going to hell again.  
**STAN**  
I’m typing with one hand  
Auto correct is failing me  
**KYLE**  
Do you need a moment?  
And a tissue?  
**STAN**  
N o you perc  
I’m petting the dig  
**KYLE**  
Remember to wash your hands.

_11:41 AM_

**STAN**  
Look if it bothers you i’m sending you pix I can stop  
I get if you’re sensitive about what I send  
You’ll just miss out on some really awesome dogs  
**KYLE**  
No, this is fine.  
**STAN**  
You sure?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
K  
He was a really good dog  
**KYLE**  
I know.

 

_Mon, Mar 22, 6:40 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey uuh  
You sure we’re cool?  
**KYLE**  
Yes?  
**STAN**  
K  
It just doesn’t really feel that way?  
Like you’re kinda off  
After the dog thing  
Idk  
I thought we were getting along ok?  
**KYLE**  
We are.  
**STAN**  
K  
Cool

_6:55 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, I’m not really sure what you’re expecting.  
**STAN**  
?  
**KYLE**  
From me.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh  
I’m not expecting anything??  
**KYLE**  
You are not?  
I don’t really get why you keep talking to me.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh because i’m having fun?  
It’s easy talking to you  
Idk tbh I never clicked with anyone so fast before  
No homo  
So I just wanna talk that’s all  
Is that cool?  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I can do that.  
**STAN**  
We good then?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, we’re good.  
**STAN**  
:)  
**KYLE**  
No homo?  
Not even a little?  
**STAN**  
LMAO no  
I’m straight dude!

 

_Tues, Mar 23, 9:03 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey you play video games?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah. Why?  
**STAN**  
Quick  
XBOX or PS4  
**KYLE**  
Xbox.  
**STAN**  
Go fuck yourself  
**KYLE**  
_[image]_  
Right back at you.  
**STAN**  
DELTET IT

 

_Wed, Mar 24, 1:02 AM_

**STAN**  
_[[image](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSO9Pm-cI5byAWtF1BBm4VEBrfEUAgilMPIVSgtQPnBQ0PdH1Ma)]_  
_[[image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b3/82/db/b382db78714837e584799e416f8b9b34.jpg)]_  
_[[image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/3d/25/00/3d250099396868da054479eca18ca9aa.jpg)]_  
_[[image](http://67.media.tumblr.com/10f3eee8aef34d7ce2a5c7ff692da844/tumblr_nctryymjQU1tp42tfo1_400.jpg)]_  
_[[image](http://www.vitamin-ha.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Go-Home-Dog-Meme-W630.jpg)]_  
**KYLE**  
Stop.  
**STAN**  
_[[image](https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRXp1Nz-MiFvChnUcZTmRsWtgspT7FVAt4hV3MCTKbpOnxoHKPxWQ)]_  
**KYLE**  
Stop.  
**STAN**  
_[[image](http://i.imgur.com/EUfLMg6.jpg)]_  
**KYLE**  
Stop sending me dog memes in the middle of the night.  
I’m blocking you.

_8:51 PM_

**STAN**  
I can’t believe you blocked me  
Where is your sense of humor  
**KYLE**  
I have a sense of humor.  
It’s not getting spammed.  
**STAN**  
_[[image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/3e/aa/02/3eaa02b9fc2a6fcf7d48068ad626a012.jpg)]_  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you, Stan.

 

_Thurs, Mar 25, 12:46 PM_

**STAN**  
SO mY DAD GOT ARRESTED  
**KYLE**  
What happened?  
Is he okay?  
**STAN**  
DRUNK DRINKING  
Drunk driving  
AT 1 IN THE AFTERNOON  
I’m so embarrassed  
Let me die  
**KYLE**  
Wow. Are you going to be okay?  
Do you need help?  
My dad’s a lawyer.  
**STAN**  
NO  
LET HUM ROT  
I’m so done with him  
He’s ALWAYS LIKE THIS he doesn’t think  
He just goes do these stupid fucking shit and expect us to clean up after him  
And he never holds himself responsible for what he does  
It’s always someone else’s fault  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry you have to deal with that, Stan.  
Are you going to be okay?  
Is there anything I can do?  
**STAN**  
I’m fine  
Not like this is the first time we had to deal with him  
Sorry to drop all that on you man  
**KYLE**  
Don’t worry about it.  
You’re going to be okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I’ll be good  
:)

 

_Fri, Mar 26, 11:14 AM_

**STAN**  
Work is so boooooooooooooring  
Entertain me  
**KYLE**  
How?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Anything cool happen to you today?  
**KYLE**  
No, not really.  
**STAN**  
Tell me a joke or something  
**KYLE**  
Why can you never trust atoms?  
Because they make up everything.  
**STAN**  
Oh my god…  
**KYLE**  
I have another one.  
You want to hear a joke about potassium?  
**STAN**  
K  
**KYLE**  
Oh, you’ve heard that one before?  
**STAN**  
…?  
**KYLE**  
Nevermind.  
I forgot you aren’t that smart.  
**STAN**  
RUDE  
They aren’t even that funny  
**KYLE**  
Only because you don’t get them.  
**STAN**  
RUDE!!!

 

_Sat, Mar 27, 3:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude  
Spring break’s coming up soon right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
You coming back home?  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know. I haven’t decided.  
Why?  
**STAN**  
Oh cool  
Nothing  
Just thought we could hang out if you’re gonna be in town  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
I don’t think I can do that.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh  
K  
Why not  
Promise i’m not gonna force you to look at dog pix  
Not a lot anyways  
**KYLE**  
I like the way this works right now.  
I like the anonymity. There is no pressure.  
At the end of the day, you’re still just some guy I never met and don’t have to.  
And that’s comforting, I guess.  
**STAN**  
Oh  
K  
I get it  
**KYLE**  
I value what we have, but that’s all I can handle right now.  
Is that okay?  
Can we keep it this way?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Dude it’s totally cool  
:)

_4:44 PM_

**STAN**  
_[[image](http://moderndogmagazine.com/sites/default/files/images/uploads/ThisisDoge.jpg)]_  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to kill you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU for all the kudos and comments on the first chapter!!!! I didn't expect this to get as many hits as it did... THE PRESSURE.

_Mon, Mar 29, 5:43 PM_

**STAN**  
You can’t spend your whole spring break reading and doing hw  
It’s a sin  
When you die and you meet god  
He’s gonna be like why the fucking did you spend your whole spring break in your room dude what’s wrong with you  
**KYLE**  
All my life has been a buildup to meeting God and having him call me “dude.”  
My sinning will finally pay off.  
**STAN**  
He's not gonna be your dude if you don't make better choices  
C’mon do something cool  
IT’S SPRING BREAK  
Head to the beach  
Pick up girls  
Isn’t there one in Denver  
**KYLE**  
I think there’s more than one girl at Denver.  
**STAN**  
YOU KNOW I MEANT THE BEACH  
Asshole  
There is one right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, but I’m not in Denver right now.  
**STAN**  
Oh?  
Where you at?  
**KYLE**  
Home.  
**STAN**  
South Park?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
WHAT  
WHAT  
When did you get back??  
**KYLE**  
Last night.  
**STAN**  
Oh cool  
This is way easier then!!!  
There’s gonna be a bonfire at the pond tonight  
You should totally check it out  
Me and my friends are all gonna go  
I’m not asking you to meet  
Just thought you might like it  
I mean there’s probably gonna be a lot of people anyways  
So even if you go i won’t know who you are  
**KYLE**  
What time is the bonfire?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh idk  
Whenever someone lights the fire?  
**KYLE**  
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it.  
**STAN**  
You got something else going on?  
Wait is doing hw a code for something else???  
**KYLE**  
No.  
I can’t stay out late.  
**STAN**  
Are you like afraid of the dark or something??  
**KYLE**  
It's not that.  
I have a curfew.  
**STAN**  
Uuuhh bro  
I think you made a typo there  
You just said you have a curfew  
**KYLE**  
I have to be in my room by 11.  
**STAN**  
…  
Wtf  
Aren't you like 21  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
But you have a curfew  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://fsymbols.co/pictures/0/dafuq-scared-dog-meme-my-face-when-45.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
Damn it, Stan.  
Again with the memes.  
**STAN**  
I’m sorry man  
I’m just so speechless I needed a dog to speak for me  
You have a curfew  
Are you for real  
**KYLE**  
Yes, I'm very pro-reality.  
**STAN**  
-_-  
What the actual fuck dude  
Why do you have a curfew???  
What the hell do you do  
**KYLE**  
Nothing.  
**STAN**  
So your parents are just overprotective nuts?

_6:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey I'm sorry man  
that was rude  
And I didn't mean to ask you about personal stuff  
I know you aren't really comfortable sharing that stuff  
**KYLE**  
No, you're fine.  
Sorry, I had to help my mom with something.  
Whom, since you asked, is the overprotective one.  
She would never let me go to the bonfire anyway.  
She'd probably freak out that I'd inhale too much carbon monoxide and suffocate.  
**STAN**  
Wow…  
That’s like way intense  
I mean yes it can totally happen but really is it ever gonna?  
And it’s not like you're a kid anymore  
She should let you do you and stuff  
**KYLE**  
I doubt that’s going to happen anytime soon.  
Remember when I told you I hadn’t decided if I wanted to come back?  
I didn’t want to, but she insisted and wouldn’t drop it until I agreed.  
Precisely because she was afraid I’d go wild without her supervision.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh dude  
I only know you for like 2 weeks and i already know you aren’t like that  
You’re too smart for it man  
**KYLE**  
She doesn’t trust me.  
Even though I’ve always listened to her and done what I’m told.  
It’s not enough for her until she can control every aspect of my life.  
**STAN**  
Oh god  
That’s messed up  
You aren’t a fucking robot  
What the fuck is her problm  
**KYLE**  
I’d give my left testicle to find out.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
But dude i’m sorry to hear that  
That totally blows and it’s totally not cool that she’s like trying to control you  
You’re your own person man  
you re the only one who can make choices for you  
**KYLE**  
Tell that to my mom.  
**STAN**  
K  
Give her the phone  
I’ll smack some sense into her  
**KYLE**  
You have no idea who you’re up against.  
**STAN**  
Doesn’t matter  
I’m not scared  
She’s wrong  
**KYLE**  
I appreciate the sentiment.  
This is a fight I have to go at it alone.  
And if you link me that Zelda cat meme, I will send her after you.  
**STAN**  
…  
Damn it  
You know me too well  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to have to pass on the bonfire.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude no i get it  
Ahhh parents  
What can you do about them?  
**KYLE**  
Not much, unfortunately.  
**STAN**  
But hey thanks for sharing all that with me  
I know personal stuff is kinda off topic for you  
So it makes me really happy you told me those stuff  
**KYLE**  
It actually felt kind of nice to vent.  
So thank you for listening.  
And for being on my side.  
**STAN**  
Don't mention it :)  
You aren’t off the hook tho  
I'm still gonna hound you until you do something cool  
**KYLE**  
[[image](http://www.blinkydog.com/wp-content/uploads/Dogs-Do-Not-Want-5.jpg)]  
**STAN**  
LMAOOMG DID YOU JUST DOG EMEM ME  
**KYLE**  
This is a one-time thing only.  
Enjoy it.  
**STAN**  
Today was a good day

 

_Tues, Mar 30, 11:08 AM_

**STAN**  
K  
I figured it out  
Since you aren’t gonna go do anything cool by yourself  
I’ll just do cool stuff with you  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
I know we’ve been talking every day, but I’m really not up for that.  
**STAN**  
I know i know  
And i respect that  
We aren’t gonna meet or anything  
I was thinking we can play video games and stuff  
Or idk  
Go to the same places at the same time and do stuff  
I’m not that far yet other than video games  
But it’ll totally work  
You won’t even have to leave your room if you don’t wanna  
There’s stuff we can do over the internet  
I mean that’s gotta be tons of shit to do right?  
**KYLE**  
You don’t have to do that, Stan.  
**STAN**  
It’s cool  
I want to  
I want you to have fun  
Bonus point if i get to be in on it too  
idk man i just don’t wanna think about you being cooped up all day  
So let’s do something together  
Even if it’s just vegging in front of netflix  
**KYLE**  
Why?  
**STAN**  
Why what?  
**KYLE**  
Why are you going through that length for me?  
**STAN**  
Because you’re my friend dude  
I wanna be here for you?  
And don’t hate me for saying this  
But i just get this feel that idk like you’re lonely  
And i don’t want you to feel like you're alone you know?  
**KYLE**  
Thanks, Stan.  
I’d like that.  
**STAN**  
Sure thing :)  
Alright once i figure it out i’ll let you know what we can do  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I’ll be waiting.  
Maybe we can work on improving your grammar and spelling together.  
**STAN**  
LOL  
Fuck no

 

_Wed, Mar 31, 3:11 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan? Are you still there?  
You’re idle.  
Did you fall asleep again?

_8:36 AM_

**STAN**  
AWW SHIT DAMN IT  
I passed out again  
Sorry dude  
**KYLE**  
Don’t worry about it.  
You should stop staying up so late.  
**STAN**  
It’s cool  
You weren’t kidding when you said you were a pro at allnighters tho  
**KYLE**  
It’s both a gift and a curse.  
**STAN**  
I think i drooled on my keyboard  
**KYLE**  
You really don’t have to keep doing this.  
You need your rest.  
**STAN**  
Nah it’s cool  
Who can sleep when there’s zombies to shoot  
**KYLE**  
You’re not a very good shot when you’re sleep-deprived.  
You’re putting our lives at risk.  
**STAN**  
EXCUSE ME???  
I covered your back like FOUR TIMES  
You would be zombie poop if it wasn’t for me  
**KYLE**  
I don’t think zombies can poop.  
**STAN**  
Evrything poops Kyle  
Even zombies  
**KYLE**  
I’m not so sure about that.  
Aren’t you late for work?  
**STAN**  
…  
Fuckkkkkkkkkkk damn it  
I’ll text you when I’m off  
**KYLE**  
Have fun.

_3:28 PM_

**STAN**  
I’M FREEEE  
**KYLE**  
Hey.  
I did some research.  
Zombies don’t poop.  
**STAN**  
PROVE IT  
**KYLE**  
I can’t…? Zombies aren’t real.  
**STAN**  
You don’t believe hard enough  
**KYLE**  
That’s not how it works.  
**STAN**  
BELIEVE

 

_Fri, April 2, 6:42 PM_

**STAN**  
hey man you got a minute?  
Need some help wrapping my head around something  
**KYLE**  
Sure.  
Did you find a mystery dog again?  
**STAN**  
lol no!!  
I figured it out btw  
It was a pug and husky mix  
Pugsky :)  
**KYLE**  
Wow.  
How did that happen?  
**STAN**  
Love  
Love happened and it made something beautiful  
**KYLE**  
And not because people don't spay and neuter?  
**STAN**  
K yes that too  
But also love  
Ugggggh god it was so cute  
I want to pet it again  
**KYLE**  
You have to stop petting every dog you meet.  
**STAN**  
Don't try to change me bro  
This is who I am  
It's my calling  
**KYLE**  
To pet dogs.  
**STAN**  
Yes  
You should get in on it  
It’ll change your life  
**KYLE**  
I don't want to tread in on your calling.  
I might end up doing a better job than you.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Kyle please  
No one is a better dog petter than me  
I'm the Beyonce of dogs petting  
**KYLE**  
You're the Miley Cyrus at best.  
**STAN**  
Why the fuck you lying  
**KYLE**  
I'm just helping to keep you grounded.  
You were petting a little too close to the sun.  
**STAN**  
Flattery is not gonna give you a headstart  
**KYLE**  
I wasn’t flattering you.  
**STAN**  
… No?  
**KYLE**  
No.  
Why would I even flatter you?  
**STAN**  
CUZ ‘M AWEESOME  
DUH  
**KYLE**  
There you go again.  
Getting in over your head.  
No wonder you have so much problem wrapping it around things.  
**STAN**  
OH YEAH  
That thing  
k so  
This is gonna be long  
You ready?  
**KYLE**  
I'm ready.  
**STAN**  
K  
So my friend doesn't like his best friend dating this guy  
But not because he doesn't like the guy or anything  
I mean we all been friends since 3rd grade  
but he thinks that guy is a bad influence on his best friend  
Hge’s pulling a lot of drama and i think he wants to break them uyp  
We were all supposed to hang out today but idk what happened the guy wasn’t feeling well so they ended up staying home instead and my friend was super pissed and called off the whole thing even tho the rest of us were good to go  
So now they’re fighting i guess  
And my friend is telling me all these stuff about how he needs the best friend to prove his friendship or some shit like that  
And like how the guy’s not being a good friend cuz he rather hang out with his bf than him  
tbh i think it’s all bs  
And the bf is like super stressed out about all this and it's pissing off the best friend guy even more  
So everything is like way worse  
And now I'm in the middle  
They want me to tell my friend to pull his head outta his ass but at the same time I kinda get why he's acting like that  
But really I legit don't wanna get caught up with it  
But we're all friends so it's not like j can't not be a part of it  
it’s a fucking mess  
So yeah  
What do you think i should do  
**KYLE**  
It's hard to say.  
I know very little about your group dynamic and what you’re telling me is vague.  
But let’s try to break this down step by step.  
**STAN**  
K  
**KYLE**  
You think your friend’s feelings are baseless, but is it possible he’s objecting the relationship for the right reasons?  
Does anyone else see any problem with the relationship?  
**STAN**  
I don’t think so  
Everyone's pretty cool with it  
there’s one guy but that’s cuz of something else  
And he’s not like going after them with a pitchfork and torch  
**KYLE**  
You said you kind of understand why he’s acting that way?  
Why is it?  
**STAN**  
Yeahhhh  
It’s complicated  
And a really long story  
Cuz like i said we known each other since forever  
So there’s a lot of of history and stuff  
tbh idk if they’re together because they really like each other or if they did it cuz people are expecting them to?  
**KYLE**  
I see. That is complicated.  
And they just started dating?  
**STAN**  
Yeah like a couple weeks ago  
But I don’t think what i think is why he wants them to break up  
I don’t wanna put it this way but it just sounds to me like he’s jealous?  
**KYLE**  
Because his best friend is spending less time with him?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Like I'd be sad too if that happens to me  
So i totally get it  
**KYLE**  
Did anything happen lately to make your friend doubt the solidity of his relationship with his best friend?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh I don't think so?  
Well he lost his mom not too long ago :\  
And his gf broke up with him a little before that  
So he’s been kinda needy i guess?  
You think that’s why?  
**KYLE**  
It’s possible.  
He could be grieving still and afraid to have another important thing in his life be taken away.  
**STAN**  
Damn :\  
but it’s not like that tho  
We all been trying to be there for him  
**KYLE**  
I don’t think he’s able to see that at this moment.  
I’d say the best thing to do is sit everyone down and talk it out.  
**STAN**  
Yeahhhh  
See the problem is Craig’s not really a talker  
And i think tweek might have a panic attack if he get confronted about this  
And Clyde might start crying cuz he can be pretty sensitive and more than normal right now  
So idk man  
**KYLE**  
Which one is Craig?  
**STAN**  
The best friend  
Clyde is my friend  
Tweek is the bf  
I was confusing myself not using names  
**KYLE**  
Got it.  
**STAN**  
I don’t wanna get involved you know  
Not like i don’t care  
Because i do  
But idk what to do and i really really don’t wanna pick sides  
**KYLE**  
This isn't a side-picking situation.  
I think the best position for you is be the voice of reason.  
Ask Craig to assure Clyde that having Tweek in the picture doesn't lessen the value of their friendship.  
If Craig feels that way, of course.  
Spending more time with one person over the other doesn't mean the other is less important.  
On the other hand, Clyde needs to understand that his acting out is damaging. Validate his feelings, but guide him to better approaches.  
If this relationship is truly important to all of them, they’ll see reason.  
**STAN**  
k  
But that’s like so much easier said than done  
**KYLE**  
Of course.  
And it can all go terribly wrong.  
I guess we won’t know until you try.  
**STAN**  
Yeah k Ill try to talk to them  
I mean idk if they're gonna even listen  
But that's like some good ideas  
I really hope this is one of those things that'll just blow over quick  
**KYLE**  
I think with the right nudges, it can be set back on course.  
**STAN**  
Thanks dude  
I probaly would’ve just told them all to get over it  
You’re a lifesaver  
**KYLE**  
Anytime.  
Now, give me a minute.  
I have to scroll up and correct all your grammatical mistakes.  
**STAN**  
Kyle no  
**KYLE**  
*Kyle, no.

 

_Sat, April 3, 11:14 PM_

**STAN**  
OMG LMAO  
Dude the blood looks so fake  
Ketchup would look more real  
hEY Is this plot making any sense to you  
I don't get why he's trying to kill the girl?  
**KYLE**  
I don't know.  
I haven't been able to concentrate with you talking through the movie.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh you know that's the point of this right  
Like we're supposed to make fun of the movie  
Together  
Tats why we picked a really shitty movie and I'm texting you  
**KYLE**  
Oh, is that what we’re doing?  
Here I thought you were being your obnoxious self.  
**STAN**  
WOWOWOW  
I’m not obnoxious  
I'm very lovable  
**KYLE**  
You really need to do something about your spelling.  
I'm very *nauseating.  
There. I fixed it for you.  
You're welcome.  
**STAN**  
You're q ducking asshole  
GODDAMMNIT  
**KYLE**  
You’re *an *awesome *person.  
**STAN**  
I hate you.  
**KYLE**  
I *like you.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
You wish!!

 

_Sun, April 4, 4:18 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey you don't have snapchat?  
I was trying to add you  
**KYLE**  
No, I don't.  
**STAN**  
You wanna get it?  
**KYLE**  
Not really.  
Especially since you're the one asking.  
**STAN**  
Wowowo  
What is that suppose to mean???  
**KYLE**  
You know exactly what I mean.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh dude  
I’m not gnna snap you anything weird!!  
**KYLE**  
Nothing?  
No nudes?  
**STAN**  
LMAO DUDE NO  
**KYLE**  
What about dogs?  
**STAN**  
gOD YOU DON’T LET ME HAVE ANY FUN  
**KYLE**  
I’m worried.  
You strike me as the kind of person who'd put the dog face filter on actual dogs.  
**STAN**  
…  
I only did that once  
**KYLE**  
Ah ha.  
**STAN**  
It was funny OK???  
You would agree if you saw it  
And come on dude enough with the dogs  
I'm not like a crazy obsessed dog maniac ok?  
That's more to me than that  
**KYLE**  
If there is, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing it.  
**STAN**  
You'll see  
When you get snapchat  
**KYLE**  
I already feel like I'm going to regret this.  
**STAN**  
You won't!!!  
It'll just be like cool and funny stuff I see and wanna show you  
No random dogs  
Unless it's a really really cool dog  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
K NO DOGS  
THERE  
Promise  
**KYLE**  
Promise?  
**STAN**  
Dude i don’t just promise  
I BROMISE  
**KYLE**  
You… what?  
**STAN**  
I bromise  
It’s the holiest of promises between bros  
**KYLE**  
I can’t with you.  
Fine.  
Give me a few minutes.  
**STAN**  
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
This is gonna be sweet dude :)  
**KYLE**  
Done.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Added you!! :)

_4:43 PM_

**KYLE**  
Fuck you.  
**STAN**  
BUT LOOK AT IT  
**KYLE**  
I'm unfriending you.  
**STAN**  
KLYE  
ADD ME BACK  
PLEASEEEEEEEEE  
Please bro  
I’M SORRY  
**KYLE**  
I’m not your bro.  
**STAN**  
!!!!!!!!!!!  
You don’t mean that :’(  
**KYLE**  
Our broship is over.  
You’re nothing to me.  
**STAN**  
D:  
I’M SORRY  
Kyle  
Come back  
You can blame it all on me  
I was wrong  
And I just can’t live without you  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Check your Snapchat.  
**STAN**  
Checking! :D  
K  
I deserved that  
**KYLE**  
Yes, you did.  
**STAN**  
But you're not mad anymore?  
**KYLE**  
A little.  
I guess it was a pretty cool dog.  
**STAN**  
RIGHT ?? :D  
**KYLE**  
I’m still a little mad though.  
**STAN**  
I’ll make it up to you!!  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
Put the dog face filter on that dog, and I’ll forgive you.  
**STAN**  
ON IT


	3. Chapter 3

_Sun, April 4, 6:01 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey you're going back tonight right?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
K  
Have a safe trip bro  
You're taking the bus right?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
We can still talk then :)  
**KYLE**  
I'll try. I tend to get car sick if I look down too much.  
**STAN**  
Oh damn that sucks  
K I don't want you throwing up in the bus lol so just text me when you're back at Denver then?  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
Hey, Stan?  
**STAN**  
Yessss?  
**KYLE**  
I just wanted to say thanks.  
**STAN**  
???  
**KYLE**  
This was honestly the best spring break I've ever had.  
You were right. I probably would've spent the whole week in my room and not having any fun.  
But you were there and you changed that.  
For the first time, I actually don't want the break to be over, and it’s all because of you.  
So thank you for pestering me.  
I needed it.  
**STAN**  
Hey bro don't even mention it :)  
I had a blast too!!  
But we can keep doing it right?  
I mean I know you're gonna be super busy with school stuff cuz you're graduating soon  
but like on weekend maybe?? We can still chill?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, of course.  
I'll make time as much as I can.  
**STAN**  
Sweet :)  
**KYLE**  
I have a feeling I can’t get rid of you that easily either way.  
**STAN**  
Pfffh whatever  
You’ll miss me if i’m not here ;)  
**KYLE**  
Meh.  
**STAN**  
You take that meh back  
**KYLE**  
I stand by it.  
**STAN**  
PSSHHHH  
You’re gonna be so bored these two hours on the bus  
And you’re gonna wish you could talk to me  
but you can't cuz you'll get sick and I don't want you to get sick  
**KYLE**  
I'm not going to be bored.  
**STAN**  
We’ll see about that!!!  
**KYLE**  
I guess we will. 

_8:22 PM_

**KYLE**  
Hey, I just got back.  
**STAN**  
YOOOOOOOOOO  
So?  
**KYLE**  
So…?  
**STAN**  
How was the ride!!!  
**KYLE**  
Oh, I fell asleep.  
We were already here when I woke up.  
**STAN**  
But you fell asleep cuz you were bored tho right  
Cuz i wasn’t there  
**KYLE**  
No. I was just tired.  
**STAN**  
Why do you gotta put me out like that  
**KYLE**  
I like watching you suffer.  
**STAN**  
D:

 

_Mon, April 5, 9:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey quick question  
Can you get food poisoning from swallowing lube  
Asking for a friend  
**KYLE**  
How much lube did you ingest?  
Sorry, did “your friend” ingest.  
**STAN**  
ITS NOU LIKE THAT  
I really am asking for a friend !!!!  
My friend Kenny’s stomach is all messed up and he thinks it's from the lube  
But I'm like i don't think you can get food poisoning from that brah  
And he's like you totally can  
And since you're like a pretty smart guy I told him I'll ask you  
So I'm asking you  
**KYLE**  
Your friend knows about me?  
**STAN**  
yeah  
Shit is that ok?  
It kinda happened  
**KYLE**  
How did it happen exactly?  
**STAN**  
Oh one time he was asking who I was texting so I told him about you  
And how I got the wrong number but we just kept talking anyways  
I didn't say anything personal about you or anything like that  
So he just knows you exist?  
That's all  
He doesn't even know you're from South Park too  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I can't help but notice there was no mention of the dick picture.  
**STAN**  
uhgggh yeah no lol  
I left that out  
So not telling him that  
**KYLE**  
Honesty is the foundation of friendship.  
**STAN**  
no  
You don't understand  
Kenny CANNOT KNOW  
EVER  
**KYLE**  
Why not?  
**STAN**  
cuz he's gonna wanna see it  
That can't never happen  
*can never  
**KYLE**  
Why don't you show him?  
It's a good picture. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.  
**STAN**  
Dude I'm not gonna show my friend my Dick!  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
Are you embarrassed by the size?  
Don't be. It looks about average to me.  
**STAN**  
I'm not mbarassed!  
**KYLE**  
Well…  
Maybe a little below average… but it could be a grow-er and not a show-er.  
**STAN**  
WTF KYLE  
**KYLE**  
You can always make it funny if you're shy.  
Put the dog face on it.  
**STAN**  
IM NIT OUTTING Q DOG FACE ON MY DICK  
WHAT THR GI KKYLE  
KYLE  
WHST THE FUCK  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that's a shame.  
It would've been hilarious!  
**STAN**  
is this your way of getting back at me for telling Kenny about you  
I'm SORRY dude  
I didn't mean to  
It just slipped out  
**KYLE**  
That's what she said.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Because your dick is so small.  
**STAN**  
YES THANK YOU I GOT THE JOKE  
**KYLE**  
Okay. I'm just making sure.  
I know how hard it can be for you.  
**STAN**  
AROP  
STOP  
**KYLE**  
You know what they say though.  
It’s not the size; it’s how you work it.  
So don’t feel bad.  
**STAN**  
ITS S GROWER  
I DUVKING SWEAR  
**KYLE**  
I’ll take your word for it.  
**STAN**  
Are we done  
Please tell me we're done  
**KYLE**  
I was just getting started.  
You can't go for very long, can you?  
**STAN**  
PLEASE SROP  
JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION PLEASE  
**KYLE**  
All right.  
He can get sick from the lube but it's not technically food poisoning because lube is not food.  
**STAN**  
K  
Thank you  
He wanna know if it counts if its watermelon flavor  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Cool I was right then  
**KYLE**  
You were, indeed.  
**STAN**  
Glad we got that done and over with  
Lets forget all about this and pretend it never happened  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
But you can't pretend you don't have a small dick.  
**STAN**  
ITS AVERAGE

 

_Tues, April 6, 2:43 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan.  
Tell me why I shouldn’t strangle my roommate.  
**STAN**  
he's not worth it  
It’s too much work bro  
You gotta get rid of the body and since he’s big it’s gonna take so much longer  
Why murder when you can play mario  
Where are you even gonna ditch the body for that matter  
What if someone sees you  
What if a dog digs it up??? You can’t make a dog find a dead body bro that’s sick  
And think of your hands  
Whenever you grab a handful of jelly bellies you're gonna think oh dear god i choked a dude with these hands I'm not worthy of these jelly bellies  
You wanna be worthy for jelly bellies don't you??  
**KYLE**  
Sometimes you say these things that make absolutely no sense.  
But yes, I want to be worthy of jelly bellies.  
**STAN**  
Then don't strangle your roommate  
**KYLE**  
Fine.  
You convinced me out of premeditated murder.  
**STAN**  
Jelly bellies save the day again 8)  
What did he do this time tho???  
Dish  
**KYLE**  
He exists.  
That’s enough.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Just ignore him bro  
He’s just messing with you to get a reaction out of you  
The moment you stop giving him the attention he wants you have the upper hand  
**KYLE**  
I wish it were that simple.  
**STAN**  
It can be if you let it man  
I know you wanna fight him and stuff  
But sometimes you just gotta hang up the gloves and back out  
That’s the only way you win for real  
**KYLE**  
This is, without a doubt, the smartest thing I’ve ever seen you say.  
I’m honestly a little terrified.  
**STAN**  
R U D E  
Here i’m helping you out of the goodness of my own heart  
And you just gonna rip on me  
Not cool bro  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry. You’re right.  
I do appreciate the help. It’s actually very sound advice.  
I’ll give it a try.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude see how it goes  
Who knows  
Maybe you’ll be besties in no time ;D  
**KYLE**  
I’d rather rip my kidney out.  
**STAN**  
DUDE NOT WORTH IT

_7:04 PM_

**KYLE**  
He ate my burrito.  
I'm going to kill him.  
**STAN**  
BURY HIM  
**KYLE**  
What happened to not being worthy of jelly bellies?  
**STAN**  
They’ll understand  
You can't just take an another man’s burritos like that  
You just don't  
**KYLE**  
Again, absolutely no sense.  
**STAN**  
You don't fart on someone's balls and you don't take their burritos  
Everyone knows that  
**KYLE**  
I must have missed the memo.  
So is this permission to proceed with murder?  
**STAN**  
Nah bro permission denied  
Remember what we talked about  
don't give him what he wants  
**KYLE**  
What about what I want?  
**STAN**  
You're bigger than him man  
Just walk away from the situation  
**KYLE**  
Fine.  
I need to pick up something to eat anyway.  
**STAN**  
Jelly  
Bellies  
**KYLE**  
I'm not eating candies for dinner.  
**STAN**  
Where's your sense of adventure???

 

_Wed, April 7, 4:03 PM_

**STAN**  
I'm dead  
Kyle  
I'm dead

_4:12 PM_

**STAN**  
I'm literally dead right now and you don't even care  
;(

_4:38 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
:(

_5:11 PM_

**KYLE**  
I'm sorry. I was really freaked out a ghost was texting me.  
Then once I calmed down, I had to take an online course to learn how to become a medium so I could text you back.  
Hi. Is it working?  
**STAN**  
:( Kyleeeee :(  
Why can't you learn necromancy instead  
Then you can bring me to life  
**KYLE**  
Oh hell no.  
**STAN**  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark

_5:19 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle :(  
Call my name :(  
It's so dark and scary here :(  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
What's wrong?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh  
Nothing?  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure?  
It sounds like something’s the matter.  
**STAN**  
Idk dude  
I just feel kinda weird i guess  
**KYLE**  
Physically? Did you eat Kenny's lube too?  
**STAN**  
No way dude!  
You know he sharted his pants after that  
but no I'm not like getting a cold or anything  
Idk  
I just feel weird that's all I can put it  
**KYLE**  
Want to tell me about it?  
Is something bothering you?  
**STAN**  
Uhgggh idk nothing is really bothering me  
I guess I'm just in a mood right now :\  
**KYLE**  
What kind of mood?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Kinda bleh  
don't wanna do anything  
I just been lying here and spacing out  
**KYLE**  
Did something happen?  
**STAN**  
Not really  
**KYLE**  
Do you get into these moods often?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhhhh  
Sometimes  
Not a lot  
Just sometimes  
**KYLE**  
Does anything trigger them?  
**STAN**  
What do you mean?  
**KYLE**  
Does any event happen prior that can be linked to these moods?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
I don’t think so  
I haven’t really thought about it that much tbh  
It comes and goes  
**KYLE**  
But it happens frequently.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I guess  
Why all the questions man  
**KYLE**  
I just want to understand the situation a little better so I can see how I can best help.  
This is the first time you’ve ever mentioned this mood.  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Just didn't wanna bring it up I guess  
**KYLE**  
What changed today?  
**STAN**  
idk  
wanted to talk to someone i guess  
But don’t worry about it  
I don’t need help or something  
I’m fine  
It goes away on its own pretty soon  
I was just bugging you  
**KYLE**  
You’re not bugging me.  
Is there something I can do for you?  
**STAN**  
No you don’t need to do anything  
Just tell me about your day?  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
But, can I ask you to do something first?  
**STAN**  
Yeah sure bro what you need?  
**KYLE**  
The next time you’re in these moods, can you please text me?  
No matter what time it is.  
I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh  
K  
Why  
**KYLE**  
I don’t want you to feel alone.  
**STAN**  
Oh dude  
You don't have to do that  
It's not even a big deal  
**KYLE**  
Do it for me, please?  
**STAN**  
K  
I’ll try  
**KYLE**  
That’s all I ask.  
**STAN**  
:)  
Now tell me about your day

 

_Thurs, April 8, 10:18 PM_

**STAN**  
K  
You ready?  
**KYLE**  
Bring it.  
**STAN**  
What are the symptoms for tularemia and which organism causes it?  
**KYLE**  
Francisella tularensis.  
Symptoms vary depending on the method of transmission, and can include swollen and painful ulcers on genital organs, swollen lymph nodes, malaise, and/or pneumonia.  
**STAN**  
NAILED IT!  
That was the last one  
Bro you're gonna kill this test!!!  
**KYLE**  
I think so too.  
Thanks for being my flash cards.  
**STAN**  
Nah no prob  
I learned some stuff too so it's all good  
**KYLE**  
You're probably going to forget it in an hour but hey, good for you.  
**STAN**  
It's not like I'm gonna need to know these stuff!  
I'm not trying to be a microbiologist  
**KYLE**  
What are you trying to become?  
**STAN**  
For like a job?  
Idk  
**KYLE**  
Have you ever considered going back to get your degree?  
**STAN**  
Ehhhh  
Not really  
It just seems like a waste of money  
You know I'm not that smart :0  
**KYLE**  
That's not true.  
I know I make fun of you, but I also know you can accomplish a lot if you apply yourself.  
**STAN**  
lol thanks dude  
Idk school’s just not on my mind  
**KYLE**  
Will you at least give it some thoughts?  
**STAN**  
Yeah sure I can do that  
can we play minecraft now?  
**KYLE**  
Sure. Give me a few minutes.  
**STAN**  
K :)  
Meet you there

 

_Fri, April 9, 3:42 PM_

**STAN**  
Guess who I saw today  
**KYLE**  
Who?  
**STAN**  
Guess  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know.  
There are so many possibilities.  
**STAN**  
GUESS  
**KYLE**  
John Elway.  
**STAN**  
NO  
That would have been so much better  
Promise me dude if you ever somehow run into him  
Please tell him he's my hero and he's everything I wanna be  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
Do you want me to tell him that you love him too?  
**STAN**  
… yes please  
**KYLE**  
Will do.  
**STAN**  
But make it like cool  
**KYLE**  
Like it’s okay if he doesn't love you back?  
**STAN**  
Yeah exactly  
like pfft wev it's fine  
no biggie  
**KYLE**  
All right, I'll try my best.  
I heard he comes out here sometimes to scout the team so maybe I can catch him.  
**STAN**  
That would be so awesome!!!!!  
**KYLE**  
Well, don’t get your hopes up. It might not happen.  
**STAN**  
A boy can dream  
**KYLE**  
As long as he remembers to wake up.  
Anyway, who did you see today?  
**STAN**  
Wendy  
**KYLE**  
The Wendy?  
**STAN**  
THE Wendy  
**KYLE**  
Wow. I was not expecting that.  
What did you say to her?  
**STAN**  
… nothing  
Shit should I have said something??  
I don't think she recognized me tho  
We kinda looked at each other and I knew it was her but she didn't look like she remembered mr  
She probably didn't :\  
**KYLE**  
Oh, maybe she felt bad and didn’t want to make it awkward on herself.  
**STAN**  
Yeah maybe  
Tbh i don't even know what to say you know  
I never imagined seeing her again  
**KYLE**  
It's probably for the best to put it all behind you.  
**STAN**  
Yeah for sure dude  
but guess who she was with  
**KYLE**  
I don't know.  
**STAN**  
BEBE  
**KYLE**  
Who's that?  
**STAN**  
Clyde’s ex  
**KYLE**  
Wow.  
**STAN**  
I KNOW RIGHT???  
**KYLE**  
This story just keeps getting better.  
**STAN**  
I think they were together  
Like together together  
**KYLE**  
Bebe and Wendy?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Like together together together  
**KYLE**  
Like a couple.  
**STAN**  
Yeah!  
But guess who I was with  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to say… Clyde.  
**STAN**  
YES  
**KYLE**  
This story keeps on giving, doesn't it?  
How did he take it?  
**STAN**  
not great  
You should've seen the look on his face  
I feel so bad for him  
He looked so fucking crushed  
I mean can you imagine running into your ex like that  
and idk man I think she did it on purpose too cuz she came into the store  
So like she wanted Clyde to see her with Wendy?  
It's like she was rubbing it in his face  
she obviously moved on but clyde’s still at the same place she left him  
God dude  
He’s having such a rough time right now  
I don’t even know how much more he can take  
**KYLE**  
I take it the situation with Craig and Tweek hasn’t improved either.  
**STAN**  
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggg  
What's the higher level of a shitstorm  
**KYLE**  
A shit catastrophe?  
**STAN**  
Whatever it's called that's where qe’re at right now  
**KYLE**  
Did you try what I suggested?  
**STAN**  
I did!!  
**KYLE**  
And…?  
**STAN**  
It was really hard…………………...  
I tried sitting Craig down but like man he just kept flipping me off and telling me like this is none of my business and quit sticking my hand in  
And i tried telling him how Clyde was feeling but like he said he knows and he’s handling it  
But i’m not seeing how he's handling it???  
All I see is they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and they’re just making this worse  
Dude i guess they haven’t talked in a couple of days already and I'm talking about two guys who were best friends since they were 8  
They took showers together for fuck sake  
And i can feel different camps happening  
Me Clyde and our other friend token on one side and Craig and tweek and our other other friend Jimmy one the other side  
It’s about to get civil war all up in here  
And it’s Clyde’s birthday on Saturday and idk man  
If Craig and them don’t show up to the party  
That’s gonna be it man  
Clyde already says so  
It’s gonna be over  
**KYLE**  
Does Craig know that?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
You think i should tell him he gotta come to the party??  
**KYLE**  
No, not that.  
I think you should let him know Clyde’s ultimatum.  
Whether he comes or not is his decision.  
You can’t force them to fix their relationship.  
It has to come from them.  
**STAN**  
Awwww shit dude  
What if he doesn’t come  
**KYLE**  
Then I guess it’s over.  
**STAN**  
Fuck

 

_Sun, April 11, 12:35 AM_

**STAN**  
Criwd. It nere hey  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
He said he wa define Clem but he's not here get and Clyde is freaking out  
I think the kfer  
**KYLE**  
Stan, are you still at Clyde’s party?  
**STAN**  
Yes  
**KYLE**  
Have you been drinking?  
**STAN**  
Yes  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
Did you take something?  
**STAN**  
Book just had beer  
And soen tequila  
Abs vodka  
**KYLE**  
Are you safe?  
Is there someone who can take care of you?  
**STAN**  
Kennt is bere  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
Is he sober?  
**STAN**  
Yeah Kenny doesn't m Ke  
**KYLE**  
Okay. Stay close to him.  
**STAN**  
Hes bus  
He's dancing with major one  
Marjorine  
**KYLE**  
Stay in one spot where he can find you, okay?  
Do you have water?  
**STAN**  
I have we're  
**KYLE**  
Okay. Drink it. Stay hydrated.  
**STAN**  
Khle Crabs not here  
**KYLE**  
Craig's not here?  
**STAN**  
No  
I think it's over  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry, Stan.  
It's not your fault.  
**STAN**  
It feels lie my d silt  
**KYLE**  
How about you try to enjoy the party?  
Don't worry about Clyde and Craig right now.  
There's nothing you can do.  
**STAN**  
I thi flyer is fruit  
I think clude’s is crying  
This wit my tet  
**KYLE**  
No, it's not.  
It's their choices. You have nothing to do with it. 

_12:58 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan?  
Are you still there?

_1:12 AM_

**STAN**  
hes fine. he threw up and hes sleeping it off now.  
**KYLE**  
Hi. Who's this?  
**STAN**  
hey sup its kenny.  
so u r kyle.  
i heard so much abt u.  
**KYLE**  
All good things, I hope.  
**STAN**  
the best.  
look dont worry abt stan.  
i got him.  
**KYLE**  
Right. Thanks.  
Keep an eye on him please.  
**STAN**  
u got it.

_3:38 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey Kyle you awake?  
**KYLE**  
Hey, I am.  
Did you just get home?  
**STAN**  
No we’re all still at clydes  
I just woke up to take a piss  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
Get some more water while you're at it.  
We’ll talk in the morning.  
**STAN**  
Wait no  
I wanna sk you something  
Can i ask you something  
It's important  
**KYLE**  
Of course.  
**STAN**  
Do you really think my dick is small  
**KYLE**  
As a matter of fact, I think it is the biggest dick I have ever known.  
**STAN**  
Heh you nerd  
**KYLE**  
Now will you get some water then go back to sleep?  
**STAN**  
K  
Night Kyle :)  
**KYLE**  
Good night, Stan. :)


	4. 0 days since our last dog meme

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, disclaimer. The more I write this story, the heavier I realize it is becoming than what was originally intended... so yeah, it might not be what you came here for.
> 
> Content Warnings:  
> 1\. _12:11 PM_ is NSFW-ish.  
>  2\. _2:31 PM_ contains mention of animal death.

_Sun, April 11, 11:46 AM_

**STAN**  
HOLY FUCK  
HOLYYYYYYY FUCUUUUCKKKKK  
HOLY FUCK UFCK HOLY  
**KYLE**  
What’s the matter?  
Are you okay?  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://oi63.tinypic.com/rj361k.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
Okay…?  
**STAN**  
YOU USED A SMILEY FACE  
YO U NEVER USE EMOJI  
WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Are you serious?  
That’s what you’re pointing out? Not the ridiculous question you asked?  
You are, as always, unbelievable.  
**STAN**  
Well I mean its cool you think my dick is huge  
I’m flattered and everythign  
BUT YOU EMOJI SMILED AT ME  
I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW  
:)  
:)  
:)  
**KYLE**  
( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮  
**STAN**  
I’m saving it for prosperity  
**KYLE**  
╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮  
**STAN**  
Oh c'mon  
LOOK AT IT  
LOOK AT THAT SMILE  
IT’S SO ADORABLE  
**KYLE**  
╭∩╮╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮╭∩╮  
**STAN**  
WTF  
How can you flip me off with four hands  
**KYLE**  
╭∩╮╭∩╮╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮╭∩╮╭∩╮  
**STAN**  
K dude I get it  
I’ll stop  
Say something  
**KYLE**  
Fuck off.  
**STAN**  
You don’t have to be shy about it  
You should show me more this side of you  
**KYLE**  
Ugh.  
It was a lapse of judgement. It won’t happen again.  
**STAN**  
But I want more smiley Kyle D:  
**KYLE**  
You are never going to see one again if you don't drop it.  
The word is posterity, by the way.  
Prosperity means being prosperous.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
I always get those mixed up  
Now will you smile more ??  
**KYLE**  
No.  
You’ll never see it again.  
**STAN**  
Pssssh wev  
I’m gonna make you smile  
You just wait  
hey uh serious talk  
sorry about last night  
I guess i was pretty fucked up  
I didn’t mean to text you and like make you worry and all that  
But thanks for trying to take care of me and stuff too  
I really appreciate that bro  
**KYLE**  
It’s all right.  
I actually feel better knowing what you were up to.  
I’m sorry about Clyde and Craig.  
Are you going to be okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude  
I mean I have no fucking clue what we’re gonna do  
Clyde’s just like not talking about it  
So idk i’m gonna just follow his lead and see what happens  
**KYLE**  
All right.  
If there’s something I can do to help you, let me know.  
**STAN**  
Yeah i will  
Thanks bro  
Hey I gotta grab a shower  
We’re all heading out for food pretty soon and i smell like puke and sweat  
I’ll talk to you in a bit  
Don’t miss me too much :)  
**KYLE**  
I won’t miss you at all.  
**STAN**  
Why you always lying

_12:11 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey.  
**KYLE**  
It probably doesn’t count as a shower if it’s less than 10 minutes.  
Just a thought.  
**STAN**  
I haven’t started yet.  
**KYLE**  
Is something wrong?  
Are you feeling okay?  
**STAN**  
I’m hard.  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
**STAN**  
What are you wearing?  
**KYLE**  
Human skin.  
**STAN**  
So. Hot.  
I'm touching myself thinking about you.  
**KYLE**  
Good for you.  
**STAN**  
I want you to lick all over.  
I bet you taste so good.  
**KYLE**  
Probably. My Yelp reviews have been decent.  
**STAN**  
Hah. You’re funny.  
Stop teasing me.  
Tell me what you want me to do.  
**KYLE**  
Lick my asshole.  
**STAN**  
You like rim jobs?  
**KYLE**  
I fucking love rimjobs.  
Eat my entire ass.  
**STAN**  
You’re a nasty little thing aren't you?  
Keep talking, baby.  
What do you want me to do?  
**KYLE**  
Spank me.  
**STAN**  
You like it rough?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, give it to me.  
Punish me.  
I’ve been so bad.  
**STAN**  
Yeah? Tell me how bad you've been.  
**KYLE**  
I’d rather show you.  
**STAN**  
Fuck, yes. Show me, babe.  
**KYLE**  
I want you to teach me a lesson.  
Teach me, Daddy.  
Make me a good boy again.  
**STAN**  
pfffffftt.  
and there goes my boner.  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that's too bad. I was just getting started.  
**STAN**  
i can’t keep a straight face doing this.  
wait i take that back.  
didnt have a straight face to begin with.  
**KYLE**  
Kenny, I presume?  
**STAN**  
ding ding ding!  
smart /and/ kinky.  
stan hit the jackpot.  
but be gentle with him plz.  
he talks a big game but he might not be able to keep up.  
**KYLE**  
I’m not sure what you’re implying.  
**STAN**  
im sure u do.  
**KYLE**  
I really do not.  
Should you be on his phone?  
This seems like an invasion of his privacy.  
**STAN**  
i wont tell if u wont.  
**KYLE**  
I won’t tell if you’ll answer a question for me.  
**STAN**  
shoot.  
but not on the face plz.  
**KYLE**  
Is he okay?  
**STAN**  
what does he tell u?  
**KYLE**  
He says he’s fine, but I have my doubts.  
I thought you might be able to tell me if that’s the truth.  
**STAN**  
if he tells u hes okay, then hes okay.  
thats the truth.  
not my place to say otherwise.  
**KYLE**  
All right then.  
I hope for Stan’s sake you know what you’re saying.  
**STAN**  
what im saying is the best thing i can do for his sake.  
and if u really care abt him, youll know asking me behind his back isnt right.  
**KYLE**  
All right. I get your point.  
I'm sorry to have asked.  
**STAN**  
no prob.  
he likes u a lot.  
dont fuck him over.  
gtg hes coming out.  
**KYLE**  
You’re going to delete this conversation, aren't you?  
**STAN**  
cant. no time.  
nice talking to u.  
tell stan to spank u later.

_12:22 PM_

**STAN**  
OMG I’M SO SORRY  
FUCKING KENNY TOOK MY PHONE WHEN I WAS IN THE SHOWER  
**KYLE**  
I have two words for you: Password lock.  
**STAN**  
I do have one!!!  
Idk how he guessed it  
**KYLE**  
Is it 1019?  
**STAN**  
Did he tell you too???  
**KYLE**  
Take my word of advice.  
Don’t use your birthday as your password.  
**STAN**  
FINE  
Its just easy o remember k  
There i changed it  
**KYLE**  
Is it 9101?  
**STAN**  
GODDMANIT  
**KYLE**  
Expanding on my word of advice…  
Don’t use your family’s birthdates, even if it’s backward.  
Don’t use your phone or your house number either.  
**STAN**  
Then what the fuck am i supposed to use??  
**KYLE**  
Something random?  
Something that only has meaning to you?  
**STAN**  
K  
I think i got one  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
What is it?  
**STAN**  
LOL NICE TRY DUDE  
I’m not telling :P  
**KYLE**  
Ah, he learns!  
Stan, do me a favor please.  
**STAN**  
Whats up  
**KYLE**  
Don’t scroll up.  
**STAN**  
Dude don’t worry I won’t  
Im legit scared to  
Kenny had his fucking smile on his face  
It’s never a good thing when he smiles like that  
Look idk what he said but if he was pretending to be me and said some dumb shit  
Ignore everything  
**KYLE**  
Don't worry. I knew it wasn't you from the start.  
**STAN**  
You did ??  
How??  
**KYLE**  
He used punctuation.  
**STAN**  
Wow ok RUDE  
I can use punctuation and stuff too  
I just choose not to  
**KYLE**  
Do you know what a bad decision that is?  
**STAN**  
I like living dangerously ;)  
**KYLE**  
:(  
**STAN**  
NOOOOO  
NO SAD FACE  
**KYLE**  
:(  
**STAN**  
Kyle no!!!!  
**KYLE**  
:(  
**STAN**  
OK D: I’LL USE PERIODS AND STUFF  
Shit  
Starting now!  
**KYLE**  
You will?  
**STAN**  
Yes!!!!  
I'm gonna punctuate you so hard.  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
Please don’t ever use that phrase ever again.  
Ever.

 

_Tues, April 13, 9:01 AM_

**STAN**  
[[image](http://66.media.tumblr.com/44ce0504ea50f9e953ce0775b4ac680c/tumblr_ngmrhwub6O1qhugjjo1_1280.png)]  
**KYLE**  
Thanks, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Have a great day bro!!!  
**KYLE**  
You too.

 

_Fri, April 16, 4:13 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude!!  
**KYLE**  
Hey. There you are.  
I was starting to think you were a figment of my imagination.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
I’m here! I’m real!  
But sorry man!!  
I've been sooooo busy  
I hate it lol  
**KYLE**  
It's all right.  
Is everything going well?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I guess??  
It's a shitnado over here with Clyde  
Me and Kenny just been hanging out with him pretty much all the time  
Making sure he's ok and all that you know  
We been staying over at his place almost every night this week man  
I miss my bed  
**KYLE**  
I'm sure it misses you too.  
How are you holding up?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Kinda burnt out tbh but clydes like a brother to me so j wanna be there for him you know?  
but idk how to help him. I guess I'm feeling pretty useless.  
**KYLE**  
You're doing the best you can.  
No one can fault you for that.  
Don't put so much stress on yourself, okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I'll try not to  
Anyways enough about that  
We got a couple days of catching up to do. Bring me up to speed  
What's new with you???  
**KYLE**  
Oh, nothing much.  
Same old same old.  
**STAN**  
Bro we talked about this  
You gotta go have some adventures  
**KYLE**  
I don’t want adventures. I want a nap.  
**STAN**  
Lol dude i'm with you there actually. I would kill for a nap  
I’m so tired  
**KYLE**  
I motion we have a nap.  
**STAN**  
I second that motion. But this time only  
**KYLE**  
Motion granted. Nap time approved.  
**STAN**  
K  
Then we'll have adventures?  
**KYLE**  
Then we’ll have adventures.

_6:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Bro wake up!!  
It's adventure time!!!  
**KYLE**  
Motion to snooze.  
**STAN**  
Motion denied  
C’MON! You said we were gonna do stuff!!  
**KYLE**  
I never actually said that.  
**STAN**  
KYLEEEE  
adventure time  
Get up  
**KYLE**  
Can't we stay in bed?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh noooooo  
You can't have adventures in bed dude  
**KYLE**  
I think some people might disagree with that statement.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
C’mon  
Up  
Up  
Up  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. Fine.  
What adventure are we having now?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhhhhhh  
Oh man I have no idea  
I didn’t think that far  
**KYLE**  
I’m staying in bed.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
GET YOUR ASS UP

 

_Sun, April 18, 1:42 PM_

**STAN**  
KYLEEEE  
Did you check your snapchat yet??  
**KYLE**  
You sent it to me like 20 seconds ago.  
Give me time.  
**STAN**  
Check it  
Check it  
Check it  
**KYLE**  
Stop spamming me.  
**STAN**  
DID YOU CHECK IT YET  
**KYLE**  
Is that what I think it is?  
**STAN**  
:D :D :D  
**KYLE**  
Holy shit, Stan.  
You actually did it.  
**STAN**  
;D ;D ;D  
It's cute right????  
Do you like it???  
**KYLE**  
Wait. Hold on.  
Isn't that dog a random dog you met at the park?  
How did you even find it again?  
**STAN**  
Oh lol k so I remember seeing him before so j just camp out there to see if his owner will bring him back  
and they did today!!!  
Finally !!  
**KYLE**  
Wait. Wait.  
You sent me that picture… two, three weeks ago?  
Have you been looking for that dog everyday since then?  
**STAN**  
Well… I sound like a freaking weirdo when you put it like that  
But yes? I mean i come here anyways all the time so it's not like its out of the way or anything  
I guess they were on vacation so that's why they didn't come for a while  
They were really cool about letting me take a picture of him again tho  
His name is Coconut btw! He’s a Westie!  
**KYLE**  
Why would you do that?  
**STAN**  
Huh?  
**KYLE**  
Why did you try to find the dog again?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh cuz you said if I put the dog face filter on Coconut you won't be mad at me anymore  
So… :0  
**KYLE**  
You know I was never mad at you, right?  
It was a joke. I was joking.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know  
But I wanted to do it anyways  
**KYLE**  
Why?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
I thought you would get a kick outta it?  
I wanted to make you smile  
**KYLE**  
You're fucking unbelievable.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but did it work  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
It worked. You made me smile.  
**STAN**  
I did???  
**KYLE**  
You did. :)  
**STAN**  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
I got to see smiley Kyle and pet a great dog  
Today was a good day1! :D  
**KYLE**  
You’re so easy to please.  
**STAN**  
Brb  
Someone just brought in a golden retriever  
I have to go pet it  
**KYLE**  
All right. Be safe.  
Try not to get too much dog saliva on your face.

_2:17 PM_

**STAN**  
Im back!!  
**KYLE**  
Are you covered in saliva and fur?  
**STAN**  
Yes but totally WORTH it!  
Hey are you gonna mad if i show you this pix of the golden retriever playing with a sheltie?  
Its beautiful  
Like i'd put it on the cover of a magazine  
Like a dogs being friends magazine if there’s one  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, sure, I don't mind seeing it.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://steiner.zenfolio.com/img/s2/v1/p162096438-3.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
That is pretty cute.  
**STAN**  
RIGHT???  
DOgs are the best  
**KYLE**  
If you like dogs so much, why don’t you get one?  
Knowing you though, you probably wouldn't be able to stop with just one.

_2:31 PM_

**STAN**  
I had a dog.  
He died.  
**KYLE**  
I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.  
**STAN**  
Nah it's cool  
Sorry I never told you about Sparky  
**KYLE**  
No, please, you don’t need to apologize.  
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memory.  
**STAN**  
Its cool  
I wanted to get another dog tbh after Sparky but idk didn't feel right k guess  
He was my best bud you know? He was there for every part of my life since i was 7  
Losing him was the hardest thing i ever went through you know  
It just didn't feel like anything can take his place  
And yeah I should probably be over it by now but it’s like i see a little bit of him in all these other dogs you know what i mean  
So when i play with them it’s like he’s here again  
And i know it sounds so fucking stupid. I know people think i’m a joke and they think i’m like this dog obsessed loser and like yeah i do go up to random people and want to touch their dogs and that’s probably totally fucking weird  
But idk this is the only thing i got. It’s the only way i can still feel like he’s here with me and then idk it doesn’t hurt so bad when i think about him  
You’re probably gonna say i’m not dealing with my grief right or something and you probably be right but this is the only way i know how to handle it  
**KYLE**  
I’m so sorry, Stan.  
I made an insensitive comment.  
You're dealing it the way that works best for you.  
It's no one’s place to question it.  
It’s my fault. I should’ve been more aware.  
**STAN**  
It's cool bro  
Really  
don't worry about it  
**KYLE**  
I still am sorry.  
**STAN**  
Dude cut it out  
I said it's fine :)  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
**STAN**  
You wanna see a pix of Sparky?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, of course.  
I'd love to see it.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://cdn-www.dailypuppy.com/media/dogs/anonymous/17110/20090304261617_030409_031.jpg_w450.jpg)]  
Lol omg he was still a baby in this pix  
**KYLE**  
He's beautiful.  
Tell me about him?  
**STAN**  
K sure  
He was the best :)

 

_Tues, April 20, 10:22 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude I can't believe you're gonna move to Connecticut  
What the hell even is in Connecticut  
**KYLE**  
Well, not much.  
It's just one of the original 13 colonies with centuries of history and home to one of the Ivy League schools.  
But I get where you're coming from.  
**STAN**  
But Connecticut is like so far away dude  
And isn't it like 3 hours ahead over there??  
You're gonna be awake and I'm still gonna be asleep then you’re gonna be asleep and i’m still gonna be awake  
**KYLE**  
That’s usually how it is now anyway.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but it's not the same  
You're gonna be in the future  
If the world ends you'll die before me  
**KYLE**  
That is literally not how it works.  
**STAN**  
K but dude this is gonna suck!!  
You really wanna move that far???  
**KYLE**  
It's a good opportunity.  
My mom pulled a lot of strings to get this job for me.  
**STAN**  
Did she call and yell at them  
**KYLE**  
Possibly. I'm not going to question her method. Some ends have justifiable means.  
**STAN**  
But like do you really wanna go tho?  
**KYLE**  
Aren’t you always telling me to have adventures?  
What’s more adventurous than moving halfway across the country?  
The downside is that I'll have to live with my cousin.  
**STAN**  
Why’s that bad?  
**KYLE**  
If he were a jelly belly flavor, he’d be barf.  
You hope it’s not as bad as it sounds, but it’s worse than you could’ve expected.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Oh dude  
See that’s why you shouldn’t move over there  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to find my own place as soon as I can.  
Assuming my mom won't flip out that I want to live on my own.  
Which she probably will.  
Which means I'll probably have to stay with my cousin until I get accepted into grad school.  
**STAN**  
But do you have to start working right after graduation?  
You don’t wanna even take a break??  
You got the rest of your life to work man  
**KYLE**  
Not really. I have to follow the plan.  
The sooner I get accepted into an MBA program, the sooner I can reach the goal.  
**STAN**  
Bro you saw what you just said?  
**KYLE**  
What do you mean?  
**STAN**  
“The plan”  
“The goal”  
Not my plan or my goal  
**KYLE**  
I didn't notice that...  
**STAN**  
Is this what you really want?  
And not what your mom wants?  
Search your feelings bro  
If you didn't have to move to Connecticut  
Where do you wanna live?  
Where do you wanna work?  
What do you wanna do with your life?  
Not what your mom wants you to do  
What do YOU wanna do

_10:47 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey? You still there?  
**KYLE**  
Yes. I was thinking about your questions.  
**STAN**  
And?  
**KYLE**  
And I don't know how to answer them.  
Honestly, I've spent my whole life doing what my mom wants me to do.  
I follow the course she set out for me. I don’t think I’ve ever tried to deviate from it.  
I don't think I've ever wanted anything for myself.  
I don't know what I want.  
**STAN**  
Kyle don't go to Connecticut  
**KYLE**  
I have to.  
I don't have anything else planned.  
**STAN**  
You still got a month before graduation!!!  
You’re gonna figure something out  
**KYLE**  
It’s not enough time.  
**STAN**  
So fucking what???  
You're still young. You don’t have to rush into anything  
You can do whatever you want !!  
The whole world is at your fingertips  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know if I can do it.  
**STAN**  
Listen to me  
You deserve to be happy and you sure as fuck deserve to make your own choices  
It’s your life. It’s your future. You’re the one who’s gonna live it not your mom  
So fuck what she wants. It’s time to do what you want  
Chase your dream bro  
**KYLE**  
I don’t have a dream.  
Fuck, that’s pathetic, isn’t it?  
**STAN**  
Nah man don’t be so hard on yourself  
You just gotta start thinking up one  
You gotta have something you want  
**KYLE**  
I do.  
At least, I think I do.  
It’s not very grandiose, though.  
**STAN**  
K i don’t know what grandiose means but dreams don’t have to be fancy or anything  
It’s just what you want more than anything else  
Do you have something like that?  
**KYLE**  
I’m not sure.  
**STAN**  
Take your time  
You’ll figure it out  
**KYLE**  
What about you? What do you want more than anything else?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhhhhh  
Idk dude tbh  
Shit I don’t think i have a dream either lol  
**KYLE**  
Here you’re telling me I should do what I want.  
When are you going to do what you want?  
**STAN**  
Hey don't turn this on me  
We're talking about you  
**KYLE**  
You can’t preach to me about chasing my dream if you aren’t going to chase yours.  
**STAN**  
Dude c'mon lets be real  
Between me and you you’re gonna be the one who makes something out of his life  
**KYLE**  
That’s not true.  
**STAN**  
Don’t argue with me on that  
We both know it’s true  
You’re smart. You have potentials and stuff  
You’re gonna go far and like invent a cure for cancer and bring world peace  
I’m just me  
**KYLE**  
I believe in you, Stan.  
When are you going to start believing in yourself?  
**STAN**  
Aww thanks man  
It’s just not that important for me to be somebody you know?  
I’m fine where i am  
**KYLE**  
You can be so much more. I know you can.  
**STAN**  
Yeah idk about that  
**KYLE**  
How about this?  
We’ll think about our dream, and let’s say, tomorrow, we’ll tell each other what it is then we’ll go after it, okay?  
Deal?  
**STAN**  
K  
Deal  
But can i have till like Friday?  
I’m working all day tomorrow and Thursday  
My brain’s gonna be too fried to think about stuff  
**KYLE**  
Oh, all right.  
But I want dreams by Friday morning.  
**STAN**  
You got it !

 

_Thurs, April 22, 8:42 PM_

**STAN**  
[[image](http://oi63.tinypic.com/23r4708.jpg)]  
WAHT THE FUCK KYLE  
**KYLE**  
You weren’t supposed to scroll up.  
**STAN**  
WHAT THE ACTUAL FJCK  
WHAT THE HEL LIS THIS  
**KYLE**  
I can explain...  
**STAN**  
I CANT BELEIVE YOU AND KENNY WERE SEXTING  
ON MY PHONE  
OMG  
**KYLE**  
I was just messing with him.  
Did it upset you?  
**STAN**  
WELL I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT  
GODDAMNIT IM GOJNG TO KILL KENNY  
**KYLE**  
Don’t be upset, Stan.  
I know I was being bad.  
You should punish me.  
**STAN**  
KYLE WHAT THE FUCK  
**KYLE**  
Come on. Spank me.  
It’ll make you feel better.  
**STAN**  
NO STOP IT  
CUT IT OUT  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I’m sorry, Daddy.

_8:45 PM_

**STAN**  
You just made me throw my phone at the wall  
Damn it the screen cracked  
**KYLE**  
That would've never happened if you just spanked me like I suggested.  
**STAN**  
WHO ARE YOU


	5. press x to kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring more background Creek and background Kenny, because why not.

_Fri, April 23, 1:16 PM_

**STAN**  
K you ready?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
But also in regards to what?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh  
It’s friday??  
We were suppose to share our dreams  
DID YOU FORGET  
**KYLE**  
Oh, no, I didn’t.  
I’m ready.  
Do you want to start?  
**STAN**  
K sure  
So a long time ago I wanted to be a Denver bronco you know for obvious reason  
But lol that's not happening because asthma and also just I suck and all  
so I was thinking about what else I could do and like what would make me happy and stuff right?  
And I started thinking about Sparky and how much he meant to me and how useless i felt when he started getting sick and stuff you know  
So I thought maybe if I could do something where i can help animal that would be pretty cool  
Maybe not like a vet cuz that's like a lot of school and money and stuff and I don't think k can do that  
So maybe like a dog nurse  
Idk what they're call  
**KYLE**  
A vet tech?  
**STAN**  
Yeah!! Sure is that what is it??  
I just wanna help animal you know  
**KYLE**  
That's wonderful.  
I think you would be amazing at that.  
You have such a kind heart, and you're great with dogs.  
**STAN**  
Yeah you think so? :)  
**KYLE**  
I do.  
I think SPCC has a program for that. You should look into it.  
**STAN**  
k yeah I figure I would have to do school  
but it's something I really wanna go for so  
**KYLE**  
So you should do it.  
**STAN**  
Yeah for sure bro I will!!  
K your turn  
**KYLE**  
All right.  
My dream is going to sound pretty boring compared to yours.  
**STAN**  
No dream is boring man  
**KYLE**  
My dream is to be in control of my life.  
**STAN**  
:(  
**KYLE**  
I know it's vague, but you said we should have something we want more than anything else, and that's what I want.  
More than anything else, I want to be allowed to do what I want.  
And I don’t mean the small things, like what I want to eat for dinner.  
My whole life, I’ve never made a big decision for myself.  
It’s always been what my mom wanted.  
Even when I do decide for myself, I’m deciding it based on what I think other people expect me to do.  
And I don't want to do that anymore.  
Like you said, it's my future. I should live it for myself.  
**STAN**  
Yes you totally should!!!  
I'm with you bro 100%  
Whatever you wanna do you should go for it  
**KYLE**  
I want to strangle Eric.  
**STAN**  
Except that  
**KYLE**  
Well, damn it.  
Thanks for ruining my dream.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Bro listen to me. You deserve to be happy  
Don't believe anything different  
And I'm so proud of you for going after what you want you know  
**KYLE**  
Thank you.  
You don't know what this means to me.  
Thank you for inspiring me.  
**STAN**  
Awwwwwww bro  
That hits me right in the feels :’)  
We gotta go for it man  
No matter what we can’t quit  
LET’S DO THIS SHIT  
**KYLE**  
Yes, let's do it.

_4:41 PM_

**STAN**  
CLASSES ARE SO EXPENSIVE OMG  
Can I change my dream  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
I want to be a potato  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://savearescue.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/CouchPotatoDog5.jpg)]  
#lifegoal  
**KYLE**  
No.  
Also, that dog is a girl.  
**STAN**  
I SAID #LIFEGOAL

 

_Sun, April 25, 9:48 AM_

**KYLE**  
Did you know that Kenny took my phone number from your phone?  
**STAN**  
No????  
Goddamnit I'm gonna kick his ass  
I'm so sorry dude!!  
I had no idea  
I'm gonna tell him to leave you alone  
**KYLE**  
It's okay.  
It bothered me at first, but he turns out to be actually pretty interesting to talk to.  
Once you get past all the sex jokes.  
**STAN**  
Yeah i know dude!!  
Like people kinda wave him off cuz they think he’s just like a perv  
And i mean he is but he’s also so much more you know?  
He’s a great guy and my best bro  
**KYLE**  
I have to admit I was prejudiced, and he pleasantly surprised me.  
**STAN**  
So you aren’t like mad about it right ?  
**KYLE**  
No, I’m not.  
I like him.  
Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to have someone else to talk to.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
If he starts annoying you or whatever just lemme know and i’ll kick his ass for you  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure it won’t come to that.  
We’re getting along all right so far.  
**STAN**  
What do you guys talk about ??  
**KYLE**  
Well, earlier we were talking about homelessness in South Park and the stigma surrounding it, and how that all correlates back to the failure of our mental health care system.  
Now we’re just talking about what’s our favorite Chinpokomon.  
**STAN**  
Stegmata or bust.  
So you sure you’re ok talking to him and stuff??  
Cuz I'll tell him to stop if you don't wanna talk to him anymore  
It wasn't cool for him to snatch your number like that in the first place  
**KYLE**  
No, it’s fine.  
He's fun.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Just don’t have too much fun with him and forget about me

_5:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Yoooo dude  
I’m off  
Wanna play some GW2 when I get home maybe around 7?  
Kenny and me are gonna grab something to eat first

_5:14 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?

_5:17 PM_

**STAN**  
KYLE how come you’re answering Kenny’s texts but not my???  
KYLE

_5:23 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, stop trying to delete my number from Kenny’s phone.  
**STAN**  
He's stealing you from me!!!!  
**KYLE**  
Stan, learn to share.  
**STAN**  
NO  
**KYLE**  
Stan, you give Kenny his phone back right this second or else I won’t talk to neither of you again.  
**STAN**  
KEYL WAIT  
D:  
I gave him his phone back  
Kyle I gave him his phone back!!!  
TALK TO ME  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Don’t do that again.  
**STAN**  
But you weren’t answering me  
**KYLE**  
It was literally two minutes ago when you texted me.  
Two minutes.  
You have to give me time to answer.  
**STAN**  
I panicked :(  
**KYLE**  
I’m here, Stan.  
**STAN**  
k  
**KYLE**  
Are you all right?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
**KYLE**  
Don’t worry, okay?  
I’m not going anywhere.  
**STAN**  
K  
I know

_5:34 PM_

**KYLE**  
DId you drop Kenny’s phone and crack his screen?  
**STAN**  
I can't read suddenly I don't know  
**KYLE**  
Goddamn it, Stan.  
Blocked.  
**STAN**  
KYLE

 

_Wed, April 28, 4:23 PM_

**STAN**  
It's 4:23  
Did you take your medicine yet  
**KYLE**  
You know, you don't have to take it exactly six hours apart.  
It’s not going to be less potent if you're a few minutes, or even a few seconds late.  
**STAN**  
That sounds like you haven't!!!  
Go do it  
hurry up  
And drink your oj  
**KYLE**  
Make me.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
TAKE YOUR COLD MEDS AND DRINK YOUR ORANGE JUICE RIGHT NOW  
**KYLE**  
Or else what?  
**STAN**  
I'll spank you  
**KYLE**  
Holy shit.  
**STAN**  
You don't want it to come to that do you  
**KYLE**  
I might.  
**STAN**  
Kyle!!!  
**KYLE**  
I already took it.  
I'm out of juice though.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
I have a limited supply of orange juice, you know.  
**STAN**  
Go get some more!!  
You need your fluid. You aren't gonna get better if you don't  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to overdose on vitamin C.  
**STAN**  
lol  
Wait is that a real thing  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Nuh uh no way  
**KYLE**  
It is.  
Look it up.

_4:33 PM_

**STAN**  
SHIT KYLE  
DOKT DRINK THE OJ  
how many mg have you have today????  
FUCK IM SORRY I DIDJT KNOW  
ARE YII OK  
You should call the poison center  
Podium control whatever the hey they are called  
Are you okay???  
Dude talk to me!!!

_4:35 PM_

**STAN**  
I'm calling 911  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
Calm down. I'm fine.  
**STAN**  
You aren't feeling any stomach problem are you??  
diarrhea??  
Vomitting??  
**KYLE**  
I'm fine. I promise.  
**STAN**  
K  
I really didn't know you could have too much vitamin c  
I'm sorry man  
**KYLE**  
You don’t need to apologize.  
You were just trying to look after me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but I almost killed you  
**KYLE**  
Orange glad you didn't?  
**STAN**  
Oh  
My  
God  
**KYLE**  
It was a good one.  
Admit it.  
**STAN**  
Yeah lol it was  
But you’re a still fucking nerd  
You sure you’re feeling ok?  
**KYLE**  
I feel fine, Stan.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
If you feel funky anywhere lemme know k???  
**KYLE**  
What are you going to do?  
Kiss it better?  
**STAN**  
lol  
You wish!!!!

_10:23 PM_

**STAN**  
Yoooo it's 10:23  
Did you take it yet  
**KYLE**  
I did.  
**STAN**  
Even the one that makes you sleepy?  
**KYLE**  
I don't know.  
**STAN**  
Bro c’mon it helps you sleep so you can rest up. If you don’t rest up your body can’t recover  
It’s all science and stuff  
**KYLE**  
I don't want to sleep right now.  
It's not even 11:00.  
**STAN**  
Don't make me go through this again  
**KYLE**  
You can't make me.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
I don't want to.  
**STAN**  
C’mon dude it’s gonna help you feel better  
**KYLE**  
Aren’t you always whining when I go to bed early because we can’t talk anymore?  
**STAN**  
Yeah but this is different. I want you to get better first  
And we’ll just talk in the morning!!  
It's not like you aren’t gonna be here  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. Fine.  
I took it.  
**STAN**  
:)  
Now get ready for bed  
**KYLE**  
Okay, Mom.  
**STAN**  
What noooo  
I'm way cooleR than your mom  
**KYLE**  
Not right now you are not.

_11:13 PM_

**STAN**  
Are you in bed yet?  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Kyle go the fuck to sleep  
**KYLE**  
Ugh.

_11:47 PM_

**STAN**  
Are you asleep yet  
**KYLE**  
You know, I could just not answer you and pretend to be asleep.  
**STAN**  
Wtf Kyle  
You are supposed to be asleep  
**KYLE**  
How am I supposed to be asleep if you keep texting me to ask if I’m asleep?  
**STAN**  
K you got me there  
I just wanna make sure you know  
Isn’t the pill making you drowsy tho  
**KYLE**  
Yes, it is.  
My head is spinning.  
**STAN**  
Go back to sleep dude  
**KYLE**  
I can’t.  
You keep texting me.  
**STAN**  
K  
Sorry  
Last texts i swear  
**KYLE**  
Why are you still awake?  
I thought you have the morning shift tomorrow.  
**STAN**  
I do  
**KYLE**  
You’re going to oversleep.  
Again.  
**STAN**  
K that only happened like…. 5 times so far so stop holding it against me  
**KYLE**  
Stan, put the phone down and go to bed.  
**STAN**  
K  
You’re gonna do the same too right ?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Night bro  
**KYLE**  
Good night.

_12:27 AM_

**STAN**  
Are you asleep?  
**KYLE**  
Stan, I swear to God.  
**STAN**  
You are supposed to be sleeping!!  
Kyle what the fucj!!!

_1:13 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
**KYLE**  
What?!  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
STOP TALKING TO ME AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP  
**KYLE**  
I CAN’T. YOU KEEP TEXTING ME.  
**STAN**  
DON’T CAPSLOCK ME!!!!!!  
GTF TO SLEEP  
**KYLE**  
MAKE ME, ASSHOLE.  
**STAN**  
KYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_2:03 AM_

**KYLE**  
Are you asleep now?

_2:05 AM_

**KYLE**  
Oh, thank God, finally.  
Good night, Stan.

_2:09 AM_

**STAN**  
KYLE WTF  
**KYLE**  
FUCK.

 

_Fri, April 30, 10:41 AM_

**KYLE**  
How did it go?  
**STAN**  
It was good!!  
Me and Kenny both really like the place  
Is it me and Kenny or Kenny and me?  
**KYLE**  
It’s “Kenny and I.”  
**STAN**  
K cool  
So Kenny and I both really like the apartment!  
It’s in an all right neighborhood, better than where Kenny lives right now tbh  
And it’s pretty convenient. And it’s closer to work  
So i don’t have to get up as early lol  
**KYLE**  
That sounds promising.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but the thing is it’s a little pricier than what we want to pay  
Even if we split the rent in half it’s still more than half our pay you know  
And if I’m gonna go to school I gotta save up too  
But we were talking about it and we’re gonna ask around and see if someone else is looking for a place  
Kenny and I are cool sharing a room and the other guy can have the other bedroom  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that could work.  
I hope it works out, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Me too dude  
It’s gonna be totally awesome having our own place  
I’m really excited  
**KYLE**  
I'm excited for you, too.  
I know Kenny has been stressing out over this as well.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I know :\  
Ughhhhhhhhhh i really hope we find someone  
It's gonna be a huge weight off both our shoulders  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure you will.  
**STAN**  
Hey uh  
I know you aren’t gonna wanna but i just wanna offer in case idk  
If you’re back in South Park and you wanna move out or something or just have a place to kick it or whatever  
You’re always welcome at our place  
Kenny would say the same  
**KYLE**  
Thank you.  
That’s very nice and thoughtful of you.  
I’ll keep it in mind.  
**STAN**  
Yeah sure no problem dude  
Just you know if you ever wanna  
It's gonna be super sweet living with my two best bros  
**KYLE**  
Your best bro?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I mean tbh I see you like one of my best friends dude  
I know it's nuts since we don't know each other that long but i legit talk more to you than some of my friends  
And you know more about me than they do too so yeah  
Is that cool with you?  
**KYLE**  
That’s cool with me.  
I'm happy being one of your best bros.  
Even if it makes no sense considering that that is literally not the definition of the word “best.”  
**STAN**  
Don’t be jell Kyle :0  
I can have two best bros and I'm not gonna choose between you and Kenny  
Sooooo… am i like your best friend too or what’s the deal here???  
**KYLE**  
Eh.  
You’re a middling friend at best.  
**STAN**  
K i don’t know what middling means so i’m gonna pretend you’re saying i’m your bestest friend in the whole universe :)  
**KYLE**  
Whatever helps you sleep at night.  
**STAN**  
Why are you so afraid to show me some love bro  
**KYLE**  
I save it for my actual best friends.  
**STAN**  
But what about me?? :’(  
Kyle what about meeeeeee  
**KYLE**  
Eh.  
**STAN**  
KYLEEEEEEE

 

_Sat, May 1, 6:57 PM_

**STAN**  
Well I feel like a fucking asshole  
**KYLE**  
Isn’t that how you always feel?  
**STAN**  
:(  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry.  
What’s wrong, Stan?  
**STAN**  
I ran into Craig and Tweek today  
**KYLE**  
Oh. How did that go?  
**STAN**  
It was ok  
They were at the food court and I was on my lunch. They were pretty cool with talking to me and stuff  
Maybe cuz Clyde wasn’t there? Idk  
I mean Craig flipped me off a couple of times and gave me shit about how it’s bullshit I’m siding with Clyde and stuff like that yeah  
**KYLE**  
Is that what made you feel bad?  
**STAN**  
Nah I mean i already said Clyde’s like my brother so between him and Craig I guess I gotta be on Clyde’s side if I had to choose one  
But the thing is like seeing them together today just makes me feel so bad about what I said before  
**KYLE**  
What in particular?  
**STAN**  
About how i thought they were together cuz people expected them to and they just did it you know what I mean?  
But I realize today that’s not true. Or maybe I always knew but just didn’t wanna accept it for whatever reason idk  
They are really happy  
Like really really happy and I was a fucking asshole for saying that shit about them  
It’s just like idk how to explain but the way they are with each other and like they way they look at each other ? it’s like wow… i didn’t know people could look at someoen else like that you know what i mean  
Like this person makes all the horrible shit in your life just goes away even if it’s only for a second  
And i was so wrong and such a jerk for not believing they’re for real before  
If people think they’re fake or not right for each other it’s not Craig and Tweek’s problem you know what I mean  
They want to be together. They’re happy together.  
We should be happy for them too  
**KYLE**  
This sounds like something you should be telling Clyde.  
**STAN**  
You think so?  
Idk how he’s gonna take it tho  
**KYLE**  
If Craig and Tweek are what you described, I think Clyde can see it too.  
I think he’d want his friends to be happy, once he realizes their happiness doesn’t come at the cost of his own.  
**STAN**  
K yeah  
I’m gonna try  
I’m gonna do it for Craig and Tweek

_8:08 PM_

**STAN**  
He said he’s gonna think about it  
That’s better than nothing right ?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
You did a good thing, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Yay! :)

 

_Sun, May 2, 2:18 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey Kyle?  
Are you still up  
**KYLE**  
Yes, what’s the matter?  
**STAN**  
Is it cool to talk  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, of course.  
What’s on your mind?  
**STAN**  
Oh man  
I don’t even know where to say  
*start  
**KYLE**  
Take your time.  
**STAN**  
K so just bear with me k  
There’s a lot of going on and i don’t know how to put it together but it’s been like building up in me and i’m gonna blow up if i don’t get it out  
**KYLE**  
Whenever you’re ready.  
**STAN**  
K  
So like first thing I was wondering how did you know you were gay  
**KYLE**  
I’m not gay.  
**STAN**  
Shit i’m sorry dude  
I know you never said anything about it but j thought you were  
Shit nevermind  
I’m sorry  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine.  
You were right. I never did mention it.  
I'm actually bi.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
Sorry i didn't know. I didn't mean to assume and stuff  
I really thought you were but i was totally wrong  
**KYLE**  
It’s all right.  
Does that have to do with what’s on your mind?  
**STAN**  
K so oh man this is so hard I can't even wrap my head around it  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure you want to talk about this right now?  
Maybe there is a better time for you?  
**STAN**  
Yeah man  
I’m scared i’m not gonna wanna in the morning but i really need to know  
**KYLE**  
Okay. I'm here.  
Take your time, as long as you need.

_2:34 AM_

**STAN**  
K so this whole thing with Craig and Tweek made me start thinking a lot  
I mean like you know what it's like to grow up here. People don't really talk about stuff like being gay or different and stuff  
It wasn't until these few years that we finally started bringing these stuff up in the open  
I mean like we always used to joke when we were kids about Craig and Tweek being gay for each other but now they're actually together and this is for real dude  
And it’s totally cool ? like people are totally cool about it I mean ok maybe not everyone but it’s ok?  
Like oh ok this is fine we can get behind this  
And idk I'm just looking at myself and started thinking if maybe I'm like different too?  
I never did before. I guess i was scared to and like didn’t think I was even supposed to do  
I mean girls are cool and I like them but sometimes I feel like I like them cuz I'm supposed to you know what I mean?  
I mean like for example the whole reason I even talked to Wendy at the club was cuz the guys were hounding me to do it  
I didn't even really wanna tbh when I think back about it. I just did it cuz I thought i needed to  
And there’s all these new things i’m feeling or maybe idk they always been there but for the first time i feel like it’s ok to start taking a look at them you know what i mean?  
I think I’m gay  
I’m not sure  
Maybe i’ mnot ? I mean I never been with a guy before obviously or even think about liking a guy before but I think like if it happens it would make sense  
There’s lot I still don’t understand about sexuality and like identity and stuff  
Like Kenny says he's pan. Idk even what that meant until he explained it to me  
And then there is Bebe. And Marjorine too.  
And omg I think my dad is Lorde but that's a whole other thing I can't even get into right now  
Idk man I’m really confused  
Oh god did that make any sense  
I’m sorry bro I just don't know how to get through all this  
**KYLE**  
You’re fine. I understand what you’re going through.  
We’ll take it one step at a time, okay?  
There’s nothing wrong with being confused.  
**STAN**  
This fucking sucks. I don’t even know who I am anymore  
**KYLE**  
It might be a long journey, and you might change how you identify yourself throughout it, but you’ll find yourself eventually.  
**STAN**  
Do you think I’m gay?  
**KYLE**  
I can’t decide that for you. Only you can.  
Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. Maybe you’re bi like me, or pan like Kenny.  
Maybe you’re none of the above.  
The important step is getting yourself comfortable with who you are.  
Everything else can come later.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Was it hard for you too ? like when you first started?  
**KYLE**  
It was.  
**STAN**  
How did you like figure out you are bi?  
**KYLE**  
There wasn’t exactly a pinpoint moment.  
It’s kind of like what you said. It made sense.  
**STAN**  
I wanna find what makes sense to me too  
**KYLE**  
You will.  
I can put together some resources for you and we can go over them together tomorrow.  
See what feels right for you. Then we’ll take it from there.  
How does that sound?  
**STAN**  
K yeah that sounds cool  
**KYLE**  
Thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me.  
I know how difficult it can be to open up.  
**STAN**  
No dude i’m the one who needs to say thanks  
You’re always helping me with my shit  
idk what i’d do without you  
**KYLE**  
You’re my friend.  
I want to help you any way I can.  
**STAN**  
Best friend?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
Why don’t you try to get some sleep?  
You don’t want to be late to work again, do you?  
**STAN**  
Nooooooooooo  
Clyde’s dad is gonna fire me at this rate lol  
**KYLE**  
We’ll work on this tomorrow, okay?  
**STAN**  
K  
Good night best friend :)  
**KYLE**  
Good night, best friend. :)


	6. your kyle is in another castle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to all the people rec'ing this fic on Tumblr. Thank you! ;; - ;;;
> 
> Disclaimer: This chapter is pretty negative and a heavier read than the previous chapters.

_Mon, May 3, 6:42 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey hey hey!!  
So my mom’s coworker’s husband place is looking for people  
It’s like a logistics company or something  
I’m not really sure lol  
But I think you might be really good at it ??  
My mom said like you have to be really proactive and like on top of stuff and super organized and you’re all those things  
[ _image_ ]  
That’s the HR manager business card if you wanna give them a call or like send in a resume  
My mom wanted me to apply but lol no thanks  
**KYLE**  
Oh cool.  
Thank you for thinking of me.  
**STAN**  
No prob!! :D  
You’re gonna give a shot right???  
**KYLE**  
I’m not sure, to be honest.  
**STAN**  
??????????  
**KYLE**  
I don’t think I want to come back to South Park.  
**STAN**  
Oh that’s cool  
I mean I get it  
You’re too good for a place like this  
And I don’t mean it sarcastically  
I mean like you really shouldn't rot here  
**KYLE**  
It’s not that.  
South Park has its charms, and it’s always going to be my hometown.  
**STAN**  
It’s your mom huh  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Yeah no I get it bro  
So you gonna stay in Denver or something???  
**KYLE**  
I’m not sure. I’m still debating.  
**STAN**  
Be honest bro  
Did you even tell your mom you aren’t gonna go to Connecticut  
**KYLE**  
I haven’t.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh are you gonna…?  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know.  
The more I think about it, the more I realize I haven’t really thought very thoroughly about it.  
It’s a prestigious company and a very good position.  
A fresh grad like me shouldn’t have this kind of opportunity.  
I should really take this job.  
**STAN**  
But no what about your dream?  
Being in control and all that??  
**KYLE**  
I might have made it out worse than it actually is.  
My mom’s made some very good choices for me.  
She wants what's best for me; that's not a bad thing.  
**STAN**  
What about what you want????  
**KYLE**  
I don’t want to throw away everything she’s done for me.  
I don’t want to disappoint her.  
**STAN**  
Dude wtf  
**KYLE**  
I know it contradicts what I said before.  
But I might have said them in the heat of the moment.  
**STAN**  
What about being happy?  
**KYLE**  
I am happy.  
**STAN**  
Don’t fucking lie  
Not to me  
What happened bro  
We were supposed to do this together  
Chase our dream  
**KYLE**  
I know…  
**STAN**  
So what changed? You aren’t with me anymore?  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know, Stan.  
This is all too much at the moment.  
I can’t just turn my back on my mom like that.  
She’s done so much for me.  
You have no idea how angry she would be.  
She would kill me.  
**STAN**  
Idk man I get how parents want their kids to be successful and stuff  
I’ll buy that she wants what’s good for you too but if she’s gonna be pissed cuz you don’t wanna be her little robot that’s not right man  
And I think you know it too  
It’s fucked up  
She can’t do that to you  
**KYLE**  
Can we talk about something else please?  
**STAN**  
K  
Can I just say one more thing?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, sure.  
**STAN**  
Don’t quit on me  
**KYLE**  
I don’t want to.  
I just need more time.  
**STAN**  
K

 

_Tues, May 4, 11:21 AM_

**STAN**  
[ _[image](http://www.kevinandamanda.com/whatsnew/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/miley-howie-winnie-boston-terriers-may-the-fourth-4th-star-wars-dog-costume-01.jpg)_ ]  
**KYLE**  
[ _[image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/2b/05/e0/2b05e049ae4cc9ff22c4bc97a122ee4d.jpg)_ ]  
**STAN**  
HOLY FUCK  
THAT’S SO FUKCING CUTE  
LOOK AT THAT KITTEN  
IT’S SO SMALL  
WHY IS SO MALL  
HOW DO THEY MAKE THEM SO MALL???  
**KYLE**  
Calm down.  
**STAN**  
I CAN’T  
It’s so smaall  
Too preciou  
S  
I have to protect IT  
PROTECT PRINCESS CATLEIA  
**KYLE**  
Oh God...  
**STAN**  
pORTECT HER WITH ME  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to class.  
**STAN**  
YOU REBEL SCUM  
TRATIRO

 

_Wed, May 5, 7:12 PM_

**STAN**  
I'm done!!  
OMG that took forever  
I felt like I kept forgetting something  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure you have everything?  
Did you run through the checklist?  
**STAN**  
Checked it twice bro!  
I'm good to go!  
**KYLE**  
Are you absolutely sure? Maybe you should check it again.  
There’s no underwear vending machine in the woods if you forget a pair.  
**STAN**  
Pfffft you just turn them inside out and wear them again  
**KYLE**  
That's… vile.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh pretty sure you mean GENIUS!  
**KYLE**  
Personal hygiene, have you heard of it?  
**STAN**  
Lol dude chill there’s showers at the campsite  
Even tho the water is always fucking cold  
**KYLE**  
Answer me, honestly.  
Do you wash your hands after using the bathroom?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh don’t need to wash if you didn’t touch your junk  
That’s just like common knowledge bro  
**KYLE**  
Ugh, that’s disgusting.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
If you think I'm bad you’re gonna be so grossed out when you hear Kenny’s answer  
**KYLE**  
I’m not even going to ask.  
**STAN**  
Aww crap I just saw I didn’t pack my charger  
Hold on  
**KYLE**  
I told you so.  
**STAN**  
Shhhh. It’s in the bag now  
Wait shit how I am gonna charge my phone tonight  
Maybe I’ll just leave it here  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure? It's not going to last that long.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude it’s gonna be fine  
There’s no reception there anyway  
**KYLE**  
Oh, I didn’t know.  
I guess I should've expected that from a place called Lost Forest.  
**STAN**  
Wait you didn’t know?? When was the last time you went?  
We haven’t been back since the murder but I guess it’s been long enough  
**KYLE**  
I’ve never actually been there before.  
**STAN**  
What shut up everyone in South Park I know been to the lost forest before  
**KYLE**  
Well, now you know someone who hasn't.  
**STAN**  
Why not????  
**KYLE**  
Maybe because that’s where Manbearpig mauled a family of four to death?  
**STAN**  
K first thing it wasn’t manbearpig cuz manbearpig isn’t real  
that's some bs people made up to scare kids like boogeyman or Barbra Streisand  
It was just a regular bear k that may or may not have look like a man and/or a pig  
Get your fact straight  
**KYLE**  
I stand corrected.  
**STAN**  
Secondly I know your mom probably never took you but you didn't check it out with your buddies?  
We used to do it all the times on a dare when we were kids  
**KYLE**  
Well, I didn't have any friends growing up.  
**STAN**  
Dude D:  
**KYLE**  
What did you expect from me?  
**STAN**  
Couldn’t you go outside and play with other kids??  
Or go online and meet people???  
**KYLE**  
I wasn’t really allowed.  
Not to sound dramatic, but I spent most of my childhood kept away from other people.  
**STAN**  
Like Rapunzel???  
**KYLE**  
Wow. You know who Rapunzel is.  
**STAN**  
I saw Tangled k  
And before you ask and make a joke it happened when Karen and Ruby had a sleepover with Shelly and Kenny I and Craig all ended up watching it together with them  
It was pretty cute I guess  
Anyways fear not! Your prince is here to rescue you from your tower.  
**KYLE**  
He is?  
I must have missed him.  
**STAN**  
ReallY?? HOW??  
He's like 6 foot tall, dashing, handsome as hell, and got awesome guns  
Ring a bell? ;)  
**KYLE**  
… No.  
**STAN**  
-_-  
SERIOUSLY???  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry…  
… Is it Kenny?  
**STAN**  
WHAT NO  
ITS ME  
I'M THE PRINCE  
KENNY IS THE DONKEY  
**KYLE**  
Oh!  
Oh.  
No thanks.  
**STAN**  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO THANKS  
**KYLE**  
I mean… no thanks.  
**STAN**  
So you want Kenny instead huh?  
I mean I can see why you would  
He’s funny and really smart too and pretty awesome  
And he’s really easy on the eyes  
**KYLE**  
You said he was the donkey.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but he’s still way better than me  
I mean it’s cool  
It’s cool if you like him more than me  
**KYLE**  
I don’t like him more than I like you.  
**STAN**  
It’s cool if you do dude  
I’m not like upset or anything  
He got so much more going on than me  
**KYLE**  
Don’t compare yourself to Kenny, okay?  
You have your own merits, and he has his flaws.  
There is nothing about you that’s worse than him, and vice versa.  
**STAN**  
K  
I was just saying  
Kenny is cool  
**KYLE**  
So are you.  
Are you okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I’m fine  
Sorry  
**KYLE**  
It’s all right.  
Pack your charger just in case, okay?  
Maybe you can find a spot with reception, and let me know how you’re doing.  
**STAN**  
Yeah sure I can do that  
**KYLE**  
Stay safe.  
Don’t touch strange plants.  
Watch out for Manbearpig.  
**STAN**  
Not real dude  
I’m serious  
**KYLE**  
Tell that to the family it ate.  
And Stan, for the record, you’re an amazing prince.  
**STAN**  
K  
Then why did you say no thanks  
**KYLE**  
Because I don’t need a prince right now.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
But I’m gonna be like first on the list when you do right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
K cool

 

_Wed, May 12, 10:13 AM_

**STAN**  
YOOOOOOOOOOOO  
**KYLE**  
You’re alive!  
**STAN**  
I’M ALIVE  
LMAO YES  
Omg I haven’t talked to you in a week  
That’s the longest we gone since we met  
I tried finding a spot but there was nothing  
It was a total black hole  
**KYLE**  
That’s all right.  
How was it?  
**STAN**  
It was AWESOME. We had a really good time  
I mean it would be better if there was still snow  
Thanks global warming  
But it was still cool  
We swam in the creek and had a bonfire and all that good stuff  
Oh Marjorine and I found these really cute critters in the woods  
Idk how to explain it but they were all like friends?? They all just hanged out together and stuff.  
There was a porcupine. First time I saw a porcupine IRL. I think she was about to have a baby :D  
**KYLE**  
Did you try to pet the porcupine?  
**STAN**  
Lol noooooooooooooo  
I wanted to tho tbh  
It was really cool ??? It’s like a spikey dog  
But Marj was like no that’s a bad idea  
**KYLE**  
Good. You were right to listen.  
It sounds like it was a week well-spent.  
**STAN**  
Yeah totally!! We hadn’t gone camping in so long it was great to do it again and just like bond with the guys you know?  
Would be better if Craig and Tweek came but you gotta count your losses  
But like I told Kenny about the stuff I told you  
About what I’m going through and he was super cool and supportive about it  
He told me a lot about what it was like for him and how he changed how he identifies himself a couple of times too and how like I’ll find the right one for me  
So I think I’m getting there  
Maybe not there there yet but I feel a lot more idk put together lol than a week ago  
**KYLE**  
That’s great! I’m excited for you.  
But remember to take it slow, okay?  
It’s not something you have to rush to figure out.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude totally I know I still got a lot to think about but I’m feeling good about myself :)  
And I talked a lot with Clyde too and that felt really good  
I think I’m really getting through to him  
I think he’s gonna meet up with Craig today and hopefully put this whole mess behind us  
**KYLE**  
That would be great. I know how much that’s been stressing you out.  
**STAN**  
Yeah for real dude  
I hope they get their shit together lol  
I want us to be back to normal you know?  
**KYLE**  
I know. Your efforts will pay off.  
**STAN**  
Yeah!! Things are looking up!! :D  
I’m gonna grab a shower then we need to catch up k  
And you better not tell me you didn’t do anything cool this week  
**KYLE**  
I did something cool actually.  
I went to an interview.  
**STAN**  
:O!!!!  
HOLY SHIT HWERE  
WHAT  
WITH WHO  
TELL ME  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
After your shower, okay?  
I bet you stink like shit.  
Did you even shower once?  
**STAN**  
The water was balls shrinking cold k???  
You would know if you were there  
**KYLE**  
Excuses, excuses.  
**STAN**  
Fine i’ll make it quick then you gotta tell me everything about the interview k  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
Remember to lock your phone.  
**STAN**  
Lol don’t worry dude Kenny’s not here!  
And I changed my password again like after that  
He’s not gonna guess what it is  >:)  
**KYLE**  
Kenny said he knows what it is.  
**STAN**  
NO HE DOESN’T  
HE’S FUCKING LYING  
I JUST CHANGED IT AGAIN

 

_Thurs, May 13, 2:07 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey Kyle?

_6:31 AM_

**KYLE**  
Sorry. I left my phone on silent.  
Were you okay?  
Are you okay?

_8:44 AM_

**STAN**  
Yeah i’m fine!!  
I figure you were sleeping so it’s cool  
**KYLE**  
Did you need something?  
I’m sorry. I know I said I’d always answer.  
**STAN**  
Dude it’s cool really!!  
Nothing happened :0  
**KYLE**  
Okay, I’m sorry.  
I’ll have my phone on tonight.  
**STAN**  
It’s cool !!  
It wasn’t anything  
I just wanted to talk to you  
**KYLE**  
Oh? What about?  
**STAN**  
Nothing really  
I just missed talking to you  
Like in general  
Like I miss telling you stuff  
Like on the trip I kept talking out my phone and then like oh shit wait I can’t talk to Kyle right now  
It was so weird. I wanted to tell you all the cool things that was happening you know  
I mean I been telling you like everything that goes on with me for like the past months and it sucks I couldn’t tell you something right away  
Idk man  
It was a lot of fun and I had a good time with the guys but I really wish I could’ve shared it with you  
Does that make sense?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, it makes sense.  
I missed you too.  
**STAN**  
You did?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah. It was weird for me too.  
Waking up and not seeing a text from you screaming about one thing or another.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh excuse you idk what you’re talking about  
When did I ever scream at you about stuff???  
**KYLE**  
Don’t make me dig up the receipts.  
**STAN**  
Pffft whatever it doesn't matter  
You just said you missed me :)  
**KYLE**  
Don’t make me regret saying it.  
In any case, you’re back now so you may continue to bombard me.  
**STAN**  
Lol k you ask for it :D  
But I gotta get to work right now or I’m really gonna get fired for real  
You wanna do something when I’m off?  
Or idk just talk?  
I’ll be home by 6 today  
**KYLE**  
Yes, absolutely.  
**STAN**  
K cool awesome! :)

 

_Sat, May 15, 10:34 AM_

**KYLE**  
There’s a 12:10, 2:30, and 4:50.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh damn it  
We only have 1:20 and 3:40 here  
Dude this fucking sucks  
Why do they only have two showings?  
What about tomorrow?  
**KYLE**  
It’s the same time.  
**STAN**  
UGAAAAH  
Fucking South Park sucks  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine.  
I can watch the 12:10, and you can watch the 1:20.  
We can talk about it afterward.  
**STAN**  
No it’s not the same  
We’re supposed to watch it together  
That's not watching it together  
That’s like a whole freaking hour apart  
**KYLE**  
Well, it’s not like we’re going to talk through the movie.  
That’s inconsiderate and rude.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know but I wanted to watch it together…  
That’s the point  
**KYLE**  
How about we wait for an upload and watch it at home together?  
**STAN**  
Oh yeah  
Yeah that could work!!  
That gotta get posted pretty quick right?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll keep an eye out.  
I imagine it’ll only be a few days or so.  
**STAN**  
K cool :)  
**KYLE**  
But promise you won’t talk during it.  
**STAN**  
But but but  
**KYLE**  
No. Promise me.  
**STAN**  
Fine I promise :x

 

_Mon, May 17, 4:33 PM_

**STAN**  
GOD FUCKING DMAN IT  
FUCKING CLYDE SAW IT ALREADY AND SPOILED IT FOR ME  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that’s too bad.  
**STAN**  
I’M GONNA KICK HIS ASS  
**KYLE**  
To be honest, I accidentally saw spoilers on Tumblr too.  
**STAN**  
So you know how Terrance died at the end???  
**KYLE**  
… I do now.  
**STAN**  
SHIT I’M SORRY DUDE  
I thought you knew cuz that was like the ***BIG SPOILER***  
**KYLE**  
I don’t think he's really dead though.  
Did Clyde tell you about the post-credits scene?  
**STAN**  
WHAT IS IT  
WHAT HAPPENED  
I need to know  
Where are the people pirating shit when we need htem???  
**KYLE**  
Let me check again.  
You sure you don't want to just watch it separately?  
It's been out for three days.  
**STAN**  
No man I can wait  
I wanna watch it with you  
**KYLE**  
I found a link!  
It works!  
**STAN**  
I CAN BE HOME IN 5 MINS  
**KYLE**  
Aren’t you at work?  
**STAN**  
Yes but I just got explosive diarrhea so I need to go  
**KYLE**  
Damn it.  
I have class then a study group, but I can be done by 8.  
Is that okay?  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
IT’S TERRANCE AND PHILLIP STRIKE BACK  
IT’S THEIR FIRST MOVIE IN 10 FUCKING YEARS  
FUCK CLASS AND FUCK STUDY GROUP  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry! I’ll be ready by 8.  
I promise!  
**STAN**  
YOU BETTER  
IF YOU’RE EVEN ONE MINUTE LATE I’M STARTING WITHOUT YOU  
**KYLE**  
You wouldn’t.  
**STAN**  
I would for Terrance and Phillip  
**KYLE**  
No, you wouldn't.  
**STAN**  
Damn it you're right  
8 k promise?  
**KYLE**  
Promise.

_8:18 PM_

**KYLE**  
Shit! I’m sorry!  
Study group ran on a little longer than expected.  
I can make it back to my place in 10 minutes.  
Do you still want to watch the movie together?

_8:31 PM_

**KYLE**  
You didn’t start without me, did you?

_9:02 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan?

_Tues, May 18, 7:58 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, are you up? Isn’t your shift at 9?  
You're oversleeping again.  
You're going to be late again.

_10:07 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan? Are you okay?

_12:34 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, what's going on?  
Kenny said he hasn't talked to you either.  
He said you called in sick today.  
What’s the matter?

_3:49 PM_

**KYLE**  
I'm here if you need me.

_5:54 PM_

**KYLE**  
Whatever you're going through, you don't have to deal with it alone.

_7:03 PM_

**KYLE**  
I'm still here, Stan.

_8:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Why do you even want to talk to me  
I’m a worthless piece of shit  
**KYLE**  
No, you are not.  
Are you okay? I’m worried.  
**STAN**  
I’m such a fucking idiot  
All I do is fuck up everyone’s life  
**KYLE**  
That’s not true.  
I’m sorry for what you’re going through.  
Is there something I can do to help you?  
**STAN**  
You're just gonna thinking I'm a ducking moron  
**KYLE**  
I won't.  
You don’t have to tell me.  
Just know you aren’t alone, okay?  
And if you need help getting through something, I’m here.

_9:34 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
**KYLE**  
Yes?  
**STAN**  
Can i tell you what happened  
**KYLE**  
Of course.

_9:39 PM_

**STAN**  
Remember how Kenny and I were looking for someone else to split the apartment  
**KYLE**  
Yes. Did something go wrong?  
**STAN**  
Kenny asked Craig and Craig said yes but Kenny didn’t tell me before he asked Craig and idk how but Clyde found out and he flipped his shit out on me and basically thought the whole reason I was trying to get him to talk to Craig again was so I wouldn’t feel bad about moving in with Craig  
But that’s not even true I didn’t even know Kenny asked Craig  
But i guess it doesn't matter to Clyde cuz now he won’t talk to me or Craig so we can forget all fucking about them making up so i told Kenny it wasn’t cool what he did and he said he was sorry and like k get it why he did it cuz he was desperate and everything was fine w ere were gonna figure out what to do with Clyde  
But since i’m a fucking genius i told marjorine what happened and they told Kenny that they weren’t gonna move out if it was gonna give us problem  
They didn't want to see us fighting more than we already were and Kenny is so fucking pissed at me  
The whole reason we even started talking about an apartment in the first place was cuz Kenny wanted to get marjorine away from their parents and now everything is fucked cuz of me  
Clyde hates me  
Kenny hates me  
Marjorine hates me  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry, Stan.  
This is a very tough situation.  
**STAN**  
I'm a fuck up  
Everyone hates me  
**KYLE**  
You might have fucked up, but it doesn't mean you're one.  
People make mistakes.  
There’s nothing wrong with your feeling upset.  
**STAN**  
shut up Kyle  
Why do you have to be like this  
Stop being so fucking nice and just tell me i’m a fucking idiot  
Just say it  
I’m a piece of shit  
I’m not good for anything  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry. I can’t. I won’t.  
I don’t think it’s true.  
You’re in a bad place right now.  
These things you’re saying about yourself aren’t true.  
You’re a very kind person and a very loyal friend.  
You try so much to put other people before you.  
You always want to make people happy.  
You aren’t a piece of shit. You aren’t worthless.  
You're wonderful and amazing, and I’m so happy and proud to call you my best friend.  
I care about you, Stan.  
You’re important to me.

_9:51 PM_

**STAN**  
I’m sorry I told you to shut up  
My brain is so messed up right now  
Please don’t be mad at me too  
**KYLE**  
I’m not mad.  
I want to help you through this.  
Tell me what I can do for you.  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Idk what to do  
I never fucking know what to do and when I try to do something I just fuck it up  
**KYLE**  
We’ll work through this the same way we always do, okay?  
One step at a time.  
**STAN**  
I’m sorry dude  
I don’t wanna be like this  
**KYLE**  
I know. We’ll get through it together.  
Take a deep breath.  
Are you at home?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
WHy  
**KYLE**  
I talked to Kenny. He’s going to come over.  
Is that okay?  
I’ll ask him to turn around if you don’t want to see him.  
**STAN**  
Is he still mad  
**KYLE**  
No, he’s not mad.  
**STAN**  
You sure?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
He said he’s sorry.  
He lashed out because he was frustrated.  
He’s not mad at you.  
**STAN**  
K  
Can you tell him i’m sorry too  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
How are you feeling?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Ok  
**KYLE**  
Is your family home?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
I think mom’s watching tv downstairs  
Dad’s probably passed out in the garage  
I fucking hate hi m so much  
**KYLE**  
Forget about your dad.  
Can you go watch TV with your mom until Kenny gets there?  
**STAN**  
K  
**KYLE**  
Did you go downstairs?  
What are you watching?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Some Korean soap opera  
Mom likes it  
**KYLE**  
Okay. Tell me when Kenny’s here.  
**STAN**  
Are you going somewhere  
**KYLE**  
No, I’m not.  
I’m going to be here if you need me.  
**STAN**  
Don’t go anywhere please  
**KYLE**  
I won’t.  
I'm not going to quit on you.  
**STAN**  
Promise?  
**KYLE**  
I don't just promise.  
I bromise.  
**STAN**  
:)  
**KYLE**  
:)


	7. kyle don't do it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of season 20, here's more unnecessary drama. Uploaded like three times because it kept getting cut off.

_Wed, May 19, 9:04 AM_

**KYLE**  
Hi, good morning.  
**STAN**  
Hey dude  
What’s up  
**KYLE**  
Are you feeling better?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I’m good  
Sorry about last night  
Don’t know what came over me  
Rough day I guess  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine. I'm glad you're okay.  
Did you and Kenny talk?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh about what?  
**KYLE**  
The apartment and Marjorine?  
**STAN**  
Not really?  
He came over and asked if I wanted to play mario kart and I was like ok so we played then he went home  
That was about it  
**KYLE**  
Oh. So everything’s fine now?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh yeah I guess?  
It wasn't a big deal  
I mean Kenny and I been through a lot together  
We’re over it  
**KYLE**  
Okay, that’s good to hear.  
Do you need anything?  
Did you eat?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh no too early  
Not hungry yet  
**KYLE**  
Okay. Remember to eat.  
What time is your shift today?  
Are you going to make it?  
**STAN**  
Dude  
I’m good  
For real  
You don’t gotta do this  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry…?  
Am I doing something that upsets you?  
**STAN**  
Nothing forget it dude  
I’m fine seriously  
So don’t worry k?  
You don't gotta treat me with kid gloves k  
I'm a big boy :P  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
If you need something, you know how to get a hold of me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know  
Thanks bro

 

_Thurs, May 20, 4:16 PM_

**KYLE**  
[image]  
**STAN**  
SHIT IL  
SHUT IP  
SHUT UP  
NO  
**KYLE**  
Stop telling me to shut up.  
**STAN**  
NO SHUT UP  
IS THAT REAL  
ITE NOR PHOROSHJPPED  
**KYLE**  
What is PHOROSHJPPED?  
**STAN**  
PHOTOSHOPPED  
**KYLE**  
I don't have the time to do that kind of thing.  
**STAN**  
ITS REAL!??  
ITS REALLY JOHN ELWAY???  
SHUT UP  
TO MY BIGGEST FAN STAN  
IS THAT MR  
AM I STAN????  
**KYLE**  
You were last I checked.  
**STAN**  
ITS ME STAN  
IM HIS BUGGEDT DAN  
SHUT UP  
**KYLE**  
Okay, I'm done talking to you.  
**STAN**  
NO KYLE  
THIS IS SO AWESOME  
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MET JOHN FUCKING ELWAY  
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT HIM TO HOLD UP A SIGN FOR ME  
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK A PIX  
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT  
WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT  
**KYLE**  
I told you he comes out here sometimes.  
He's one of the commencement speakers this year as well.  
**STAN**  
HOW DID THIS HAPLEN  
EXPLAIN IT TO ME  
**KYLE**  
Well, it's kind of complicated. Are you sure your little brain can process it?  
**STAN**  
IT WIL TRY  
**KYLE**  
Well, my friend works at the restaurant he was eating at and told me to come by.  
I did. It took some convincing but he was touched by your story and wanted to do something for you to show his support.  
**STAN**  
MY STIRY? WHATS NY TORY  
**KYLE**  
Okay, if anyone asks, you suffer from a very rare but deadly condition that leaves sores on your face that look like vaginas.  
**STAN**  
WHAT THE RIVK LYLE  
YOU TOLD JOHN ELWAY I AHCE CAGINA SORES ON NY TWCE?????  
**KYLE**  
I had to. I had to beat out all the other people hounding him.  
**STAN**  
YOU COULDJT CLME UO WITH SLNETHING ELSE??  
**KYLE**  
If we're going to keep having this conversation, you need to stop capslocking and start spelling properly.  
**STAN**  
BUT KNS O EXICTED  
I JUST CANT HIDE IT  
IM ABOUT TO LOSE CONTROL AND I THJNK I LIKE IT  
**KYLE**  
I can go back and tell him how uncool you are.  
Do you want that?  
**STAN**  
NOOO IM COOL  
I'm cool  
The coolest  
Did you tell him that?  
Kyle did you tell John Elway how cool I am??  
**KYLE**  
Well… No.  
**STAN**  
Why not!!  
**KYLE**  
I can't lie to John Elway. Duh!  
**STAN**  
But you can tell him I have vagina sores on my face???  
**KYLE**  
Well...  
To be fair, I've never seen your face so you could have them for all I know.  
In any case, it was a more probable scenario than the possibility that you're cool.  
**STAN**  
Why do you gotta keep dragging me  
What did I ever do to you  
Wait don't answer that  
**KYLE**  
Glad you caught yourself there.  
**STAN**  
Oh god this is so cool dude  
I can't stop looking at it!!!  
I don't even know what to say  
Thank you  
This is like the coolest thing someone ever did for me  
Thank you so much  
**KYLE**  
Don't mention it.  
Consider us even for the dog picture.  
**STAN**  
Huh??  
**KYLE**  
Don't worry about it.  
**STAN**  
lol ok?  
Brb mom’s home I gotta show this to her!!! She's gonna flip!!

_4:51 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey you didn't really tell him I have sores on my face did you?  
**KYLE**  
No. Please. Who do you take me as?  
**STAN**  
k cool I didn't think you would :)  
**KYLE**  
I told him you have tumors that are shaped like dicks.  
You're Stan the Dicktumor Face Boy.  
He might mention you in his speech this weekend. He was very inspired.  
**STAN**  
OH FUCK YOU  
You did not  
**KYLE**  
:D  
**STAN**  
Kyle you did not  
Tell me you didn't  
Did you??  
You didn't right?  
Kyle???  
KYLE!?!?!!

 

_Fri, May 20, 7:54 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey quick  
Describe me in three words  
**KYLE**  
Nettlesome. Bumptious. Rudimentary.  
**STAN**  
Wtf man  
I googled what they mean  
They're supposed to be positive words dude  
**KYLE**  
Oh, you didn’t say that.  
Uh… This is tough.  
Okay.  
**STAN**  
You got something?  
**KYLE**  
No, I meant “Okay” - that's the word.  
**STAN**  
Dude  
Seriously  
C’mon  
It's more real if it comes from other people  
**KYLE**  
What is this for?  
**STAN**  
Oh so lol don't judge… I'm kinda setting up a dating profile?  
It's just this app I'm messing around with  
It's pretty cool actually? It's called Cupid Me idk if you heard of it  
I like it so far. It's not like sleazy lol  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure this is a good idea?  
**STAN**  
Yeah no I get what you're getting at  
It's just for fun. I mean if something happens that’s cool I mean it would be nice to find someone  
All my friends got someone. I’m so sick of being the third wheel lol  
But I was thinking I could just meet new people too  
Maybe that'll help me figure things out faster you know?  
Idk like get more involved in the community and stuff  
Exposure and stuff  
**KYLE**  
All right.  
As long as you get in over your head.  
Don't rush into anything, okay?  
**STAN**  
Dude chill I won’t  
I know what I’m doing  
Hey just asking what are the chances you'll get it too if I ask  
Like we can go into it together?  
**KYLE**  
Zero. So don't bother.  
**STAN**  
Awww dude why not  
It's actually pretty cool and the mascot is kinda fun  
He talks to you and stuff  
**KYLE**  
I’m not interested in dating right now.  
**STAN**  
Why not ?  
**KYLE**  
I’m too busy.  
**STAN**  
But that’s what the app is for. It finds people for you so you don’t gotta do the leg walk  
**KYLE**  
I'm not interested.  
**STAN**  
Awwww cmon  
Don't go in thinking you gotta find the love of your life  
Just go have fun and give it a shot  
**KYLE**  
Even if I were to humor you and use the app, it’s not going to work for me.  
**STAN**  
????  
**KYLE**  
You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?  
**STAN**  
????????????????  
**KYLE**  
Damn it...  
I’m not hot or interesting or anything.  
If I were a jelly belly flavor, I’d be flour.  
I’d get zero view.  
**STAN**  
Bro no way!  
You’re cool and smart and funny when you aren’t being a smartass :P  
People gotta be lining up at your door  
**KYLE**  
They must have the wrong address because I sure as hell don’t see them.  
**STAN**  
K don’t take this the wrong way but you sure it’s not just cuz your standard is too high and stuff?  
Like you gotta know this much about shakespeare to get in my pants  
Stuff like that  
**KYLE**  
You think I'm that pretentious?  
**STAN**  
No bro but you know i’m just saying  
Maybe there are people who are into you but you aren’t giving them the time of day?  
**KYLE**  
Well, it doesn’t matter.  
The bottom line is I don’t have time for a relationship.  
**STAN**  
K I mean that’s cool  
We take stuff at our own pace right?  
But bro for the record if you did make a profile I would check it out  
Kenny would too!  
**KYLE**  
You mean if his heart and soul weren't consumed solely by Marjorine that he would actually make a profile to meet new people?  
**STAN**  
Lol true true  
**KYLE**  
So I guess that just leaves me with you.  
**STAN**  
lol yeah I guess?  
You just gotta be patient dude  
People will check you out!  
**KYLE**  
Yeah… I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not signing up.  
How’s the profile coming along?  
**STAN**  
Ugggh not good I'm gonna come back to this words thing later. It's using too much brain cells  
I’m gonna set my profile pix  
**KYLE**  
I have the perfect one in mind.  
**STAN**  
You do??  
WIAT SHIT DOKT  
**KYLE**  
[image]  
**STAN**  
DELRTE IT  
WHY WONT YIU DELETE IT  
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH TOU  
**KYLE**  
I'm never going to delete it.  
It's proven to be very useful time and time again.  
**STAN**  
Bro...  
I know you think I got a massive dick but you gotta dial it down  
You're like obsessed with it  
It's unhealthy :0  
**KYLE**  
What the fuck.  
**STAN**  
Just take a step back  
At this rate I'm gonna have to sign you up for Stan’s dick anonymous  
**KYLE**  
Is that a support group for people disgusted by your penis?  
**STAN**  
Gotta watch those typos dude  
It's a support group for people *amazed by my penis  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, right.  
As if anyone's ever been astonished by your mediocrity.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://oi63.tinypic.com/rj361k.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
You fucking asshole.  
I only said that to be nice.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://oi63.tinypic.com/rj361k.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you.  
**STAN**  
Hey hey whoa I know you're thirsty for it but we gotta cure your addiction bro!  
It’s for your own good!  
**KYLE**  
Blocked.  
**STAN**  
You can’t block the truth Kyle  
**KYLE**  
Fuck off.  
**STAN**  
Me:  <=====3  
You: heart eyes emoji  
**KYLE**  
You:  
Me: vomit emoji  
**STAN**  
You didn't draw anything tho  
**KYLE**  
Because it's so microscopic, you can't see it.  
**STAN**  
Bro lying is bad  
Just admit you got a thing for my huge dick  
**KYLE**  
Since you have such a gargantuan dick, you know what you should do?  
You should go fuck yourself.  
**STAN**  
Shhhh shhh  
Bro the first step is acceptance  
Admit you’re powerless over my dick  
**KYLE**  
Fuck off.  
I don't have a thing for your fucking pissant dick.  
**STAN**  
Then why do you keep a pix of it on your phone  
Hmmm?  
HMMMM?  
Can't answer that can you??  
**KYLE**  
I’m done with you.  
**STAN**  
You aren’t gonna get better if you don’t admit it  
Admit it  
Kyle  
Admit it

 

_Sat, May 22, 10:33 AM_

**STAN**  
BROOOOOOOO  
CONGRATS!!!!!  
WE’RE POPPIN BOTTLES FOR OUR COLLEGE GRAD  
**KYLE**  
Thanks!  
Technically, I'm not a graduate yet.  
I still have three more hours to sit through.  
**STAN**  
SO CLOOOOOOOOOOOSE  
You're 3 hours away from getting the fuck away from Eric and your mom  
AND HELLLLLLLO SAN FRANCISCO  
Hey you're gonna tell her today right?  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know.  
I’ll try.  
**STAN**  
You don’t got lot of time bro  
I mean she thinks you’re leaving on the 25th right?  
It’s gonna be a pretty nasty surprise when you don’t hop on that plane  
**KYLE**  
Yeah. I’ll talk to her today.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
I got your back bro!!!  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
I have to go. We have to go line up.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Snapchat me!!  
I wanna see my best bro graduating :D  
**KYLE**  
Will do.  
I’ll text you when I can.

_1:13 PM_

**KYLE**  
You may now officially call me a college graduate.  
**STAN**  
WOOOOOOOHHHHH  
SHOTS  
SHOTS  
SHOTS  
**KYLE**  
No thanks.  
**STAN**  
Awwwwww cmooooooon  
You only graduate college once!  
Gotta celebrate!  
**KYLE**  
Well, my family is going to Olive Garden.  
That's celebratory enough for me.  
**STAN**  
Pretty sure they sell shots at Olive Garden  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Fine I'll take one for you then  
**KYLE**  
Just one, okay?  
**STAN**  
No promises  
DUDE IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU RN  
This is gonna be the start of something great :’)  
**KYLE**  
Thanks, Stan.  
I hope so too.  
**STAN**  
It’ll be bro! :D

_8:38 PM_

**STAN**  
Did you talk to her yet?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
And?  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to go to Hartford.  
**STAN**  
Ok unless San Francisco changed its name today and I didn’t know about it what the actual fuck  
What the fuck happened  
**KYLE**  
I made a decision.  
**STAN**  
You did or your mom did?  
**KYLE**  
I did.  
I told you before. Connecticut is a good opportunity for me.  
**STAN**  
Dude what happened  
Did your mom do something?  
**KYLE**  
No.  
I gave it a lot of thoughts. Connecticut is the right choice. So I’m going.  
**STAN**  
Bullshit  
You went to the interview you took the san fran job  
You were stoked about it  
What the fuck changed  
**KYLE**  
I didn’t really like it that much.  
It wasn’t that good of an offer.  
**STAN**  
BULLSHIT  
**KYLE**  
I want to go to Hartford.  
I was hoping you would respect that.  
**STAN**  
Something happened I know it  
Tell me  
I got you. You can trust me  
What did your mom say  
What did she do to you  
**KYLE**  
Nothing. She didn’t do anything.  
It has absolutely nothing to do with her.  
**STAN**  
Bullshit  
**KYLE**  
You can think whatever you want.  
I’m going.  
I don’t give a shit if you like it or not.  
**STAN**  
What about our dreams?  
What about us?  
We were supposed to do it together  
You and me  
**KYLE**  
Look, I’m sorry. I really am.  
I know I'm leaving you out to dry.  
It was nice to fantasize, but it wasn’t realistic.  
I can’t throw away everything I’ve worked so hard on.  
**STAN**  
Listen I know you’re scared I totally get it but you can’t let her do this to you  
Don't let her scare you into doing what she wants  
You don't have to go  
**KYLE**  
I know I don't have to go.  
I want to go.  
Are you not reading what I'm saying?  
**STAN**  
Don't give me that  
Be honest with me  
You owe me that much  
Answer me honestly  
Do you want to go to Connecticut?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Fuck you  
Fuck you  
You can’t even fucking be honest with me ?  
**KYLE**  
I’m being honest.  
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to accept this is what I want.  
**STAN**  
Necause it's not what you fucking want!  
It’s what your fucking psycho mom wants and you fucking know it  
I can't believe you can’t even fucking be honest with me  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you.  
Don’t talk about my mom that way.  
I already told you. This has nothing to do with her. I want this.  
**STAN**  
FUCK THAT NO YOU DONT  
You never wanted to go to that shithole  
Idk what happened but you can't go through with this  
**KYLE**  
And you think your idea is any better?  
“Following your dream” is not good enough. It’s not real. It’s a fucking fairytale.  
I don’t know what you’ve been told to believe, but real life doesn’t work that way.  
You’re lucky if it works out, but for most people, you choose the best choice and you live with it.  
Chasing a dream isn’t going to pay your bills.  
Grow the fuck up. How fucking naive can you be?  
**STAN**  
So what does this mean? You don't think I can make it either? You think my dream is dumb?  
**KYLE**  
No, I don't think that. That's not what I'm saying.  
It's not going to work for me, but that doesn't mean you should give up.  
**STAN**  
Why not  
You are  
**KYLE**  
Don't make me out to be the bad guy.  
**STAN**  
You weren't supposed to quit on me  
**KYLE**  
I'm not quitting. I'm changing course.  
**STAN**  
Cut that shit out  
Fuck Connecticut  
You need to go go to San Francisco  
**KYLE**  
I already turned down the offer.  
**STAN**  
No don't run from this  
You need to do this  
This isn't what you want  
**KYLE**  
Don't tell me what to do.  
You don’t know shit about me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I do  
I know you’re a fucking wuss  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you Stan  
This is my choice If you can't respect that then there's nothing for me to say to you anymore  
**STAN**  
Fine whatever you wanna spend the rest of your life sucking your mom’s tits be my fucking guest  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you  
**STAN**  
Fuck you too!

 

_Sun, May 23, 12:03 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey  
Happy birthday  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
**STAN**  
Doing anything cool?  
**KYLE**  
It’s midnight, so no.  
**STAN**  
I mean like later in the morning  
Or in the day  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Well enjoy your birthday dude  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
**STAN**  
Night  
**KYLE**  
Good night.

 

_Mon, May 24, 2:25 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey so I just realize we still haven’t watched the T &P movie yet  
You still wanna watch it together?  
**KYLE**  
I don’t have time today.  
Maybe another day.  
**STAN**  
K cool yeah I know you’re busy and stuff  
Just hit me up when you’re game  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
**STAN**  
K cool

 

_Tues, May 25, 7:09 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey you're flying out today right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Have a safe flight  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.

 

_Fri, May 28, 6:11 PM_

**STAN**  
How's Hartford  
You settling in ok?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
It's nice.  
**STAN**  
Cool  
How's your cousin  
**KYLE**  
He's fine.  
Thanks for asking.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
How's the job  
**KYLE**  
I don't start until Monday.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
So what are you doing today  
**KYLE**  
Unpacking, mostly.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
I won't bug you then

 

_Mon, May 31, 9:24 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey good luck today  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
**STAN**  
Tell me how it goes later?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, sure.  
**STAN**  
K cool

_8:12 PM_

**KYLE**  
Congratulations on the apartment.  
**STAN**  
Oh Kenny told you?  
Thanks  
It’s nice  
**KYLE**  
That’s nice.  
**STAN**  
Yeah

 

_Fri, June 4, 11:28 AM_

_Kenny added Stan to the group_  
_Kenny added Kyle to the group_  
_Kenny changed the subject to “make up”_


	8. kyle, an intellectual: malicious trousers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey~ Thanks for the continuous support as always.

_Mon, June 7, 7:22 AM_

**KENNY**  
its been 3 days.  
is no one really gonna say anything?  
am i really gonna have to do this?  
dont make do this.  
u wont like me when i do this.

_8:37 AM_

**KENNY**  
last chance~

_9:03 AM_

**KENNY**  
all right then…  
dont say i didnt warn u~  <3

_10:18 AM_

**KENNY**  
stanley, my sweet blue-eyed angel puppy…  
didnt u say kyle make ur kokoro go doki doki?  
and kyle, most beautiful gingercake…  
didnt u say u cant fall asleep if stan doesnt say goodnight to u?  
come on. this shit is boring.  
ur both miserable.  
kiss and make up already.  
laterz.

_Kenny left._

_11:43 AM_

**STAN**  
[[image](https://i.imgflip.com/17b6l8.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
Is that your apology?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
What ? not good enough for you?  
**KYLE**  
No, it’s more than enough.  
I’m sorry too.  
I know you were only trying to look out for me and I should’ve at least listened and appreciated what you were doing.  
Trust me, it was not an easy decision for me but I really felt like it was the right choice.  
I did honestly put a lot of thoughts into it, and I do regret not telling you earlier.  
**STAN**  
Dude  
Stop  
I don’t wanna get into a whole thing k  
It doesn’t matter now anyways  
You already left  
**KYLE**  
And you’re still not over it.  
**STAN**  
No stop listen  
Look what I’m trying is to say is if you really think it’s the right thing for you then i’m with you man  
I should’ve been with you from the start  
**KYLE**  
… Do you really think that?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I do  
Friends back each other up and stuff you know  
You’re always going outta your way to help me  
I should’ve been just as supportive to you  
It was my fault this went down  
**KYLE**  
It wasn’t all your fault.  
You were being a good friend. You wanted to help me but I couldn’t get over myself to accept it.  
I have no excuse for lashing out at you like that.  
You didn’t deserve that. I truly am sorry.  
**STAN**  
Aww shit dude c’mon  
No mushy feely thing  
Lets just put this behind us k  
Can we do that ?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, we can.  
I want to move on as well.  
**STAN**  
K cool :)  
It really fucking sucks fighting with you dude  
And you’re hella mean  
**KYLE**  
I’m not that mean…  
You’re just sensitive.  
**STAN**  
See  
You’re being mean again :(  
**KYLE**  
Oh, please.  
You've been coddled too much if you think /I/ am mean.  
You were the one who said no kid gloves.  
**STAN**  
Yeah doesn't mean you gotta punch me in the FACE  
**KYLE**  
I could punch you in the nuts next time if you prefer.  
**STAN**  
STOP BEING A MEANIE PANTS  
**KYLE**  
Meanie pants…  
Really…  
**STAN**  
Ya :’(  
**KYLE**  
I feel like I'm back in fourth grade.  
Hey, my lunch is almost over. I have to go.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Uhhhh text me when you’re off ?  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
Oh, before I go, there’s one more thing...  
**STAN**  
sup?  
**KYLE**  
No dog memes.  
**STAN**  
No  
Fuck you MEANIE  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you too.

 

_Wed, June 9, 7:17 PM_

**KYLE**  
Did you watch the T &P movie yet?  
**STAN**  
Nah bro no yet  
You?  
**KYLE**  
No, I haven’t had the time.  
But I’m not doing anything tonight if you’re free.  
**STAN**  
YES!!!!  
I been D Y I N G to watch it  
The guys wouldn’t fucking stop talking about it in front of me even tho they know I didn’t see it yet  
Clyde and Jimmy saw it like 4 TIMES ALREADY but THEY WENT AGAIN YESTERDAY  
**KYLE**  
Why didn’t you go with them?  
It has been out for almost a month.  
**STAN**  
WELL YOU KNOW  
SOMEBODY was supposed to watch it with me but he’s being a slow ass about it  
**KYLE**  
Who?  
**STAN**  
-_-  
Are you seriously right now?  
**KYLE**  
I’m super cereal.  
Who are you talking about?  
**STAN**  
YOU  
I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU ASSHOLE  
**KYLE**  
Oh! How terribly mean of me.  
Shoot. You know what.  
I just remember suddenly I have something to do.  
I think I’ll have to do a rain check on the movie.  
**STAN**  
FUCK NO  
GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK HERE  
I SWEAR IF YOU DON’T WATCH IT WITH ME TONIGHT I’M GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OUT WITH MY HANDS  
MY  
HANDS  
BOTH HANDS  
BOTH BALLS  
**KYLE**  
It's not nice to threaten people’s balls.  
**STAN**  
C’mon dude  
Do you really gotta go ?  
**KYLE**  
I guess I have to stay for the sake of my balls.  
**STAN**  
:D  
**KYLE**  
I'll send you a link.  
**STAN**  
SWEET  
FYES  
FUCK  
FINALL Y  
**KYLE**  
No talking during the movie.  
**STAN**  
Yeah yeah yeah you big meanie

_9:57 PM_

**STAN**  
Ok  
THAT  
WAS  
FUCKIN  
AWESOME  
AHDKFLF  
HOW CAN ONE MOVIE BE MADE OF THIS MUCH AWESOMENESS???  
**KYLE**  
I know!  
**STAN**  
I still can’t believe Terrance is actually Phillip’s grandfather AND FUTURE SELF AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME  
THAT’S SO FUCKED!  
But super COOOOOOOLLLLL ? ?  
**KYLE**  
I KNOW!  
It was such a wild direction, but I loved it.  
No wonder Clyde watched it five times.  
**STAN**  
IKR  
WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN ???  
RIGHT NOW????  
**KYLE**  
Hell yeah!  
I need to catch all the Easter eggs.  
I swear that there's a reference to the Goblet of Fart somewhere.  
**STAN**  
K COOL :D  
BRB PISS BREAK  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to try to find an upload that has the post-credit scene.  
**STAN**  
SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT  
YES DO THAT  
**KYLE**  
Already doing it.  
Are you texting me from the bathroom?  
**STAN**  
LOL NO  
I'm still in my room!  
Hey wait isn’t it like almost midnight over there? You’re like 2 hr ahead right ?  
Don’t you got work tomorrow?  
**KYLE**  
Shit! I completely lost track of time.  
I do have to call it a night.  
Sorry.  
**STAN**  
It's cool bro  
Gotta get that paycheck and make it RAIN  
**KYLE**  
I don't make enough to make anything rain.  
We can watch it again tomorrow?  
**STAN**  
YOU PROMISE? ?  
NOT GONNA MAKE ME WAIT 3 WEEKS FOR IT AGAIN?  
**KYLE**  
Look, if you want to watch it again so badly, you’re welcome to do so without me.  
You have my blessing.  
**STAN**  
:T  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
Asshole :T  
**KYLE**  
What did I say?  
I thought I was being nice.  
**STAN**  
You know what you did  
**KYLE**  
I don’t, and I really do have to go.  
**STAN**  
K hey hey hey wait  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
~~~Good night~~~  
Now you can sleep ;)  
**KYLE**  
You know Kenny was lying, right?  
I never said that.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhhj dude  
Kenny would NEVER LIE  
EVERY word that comes out of his mouth is the truth  
**KYLE**  
So you're saying… I do make your kokoro goes doki doki?  
**STAN**  
uh no??? I don't even know what it means!!!  
**KYLE**  
I thought Kenny doesn't lie.  
**STAN**  
Lying =/= making shit up  
**KYLE**  
Hmm. I don't know about that.  
I'm heading off for real this time.  
Don’t let me keep your kokoro up all night.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh k….???  
AWW DUDE it's not like a… sex thing is it????  
It sounds kinda like it might be dirty  
And it's Kenny who said it so...  
**KYLE**  
I’ll let you figure that one out.  
Good night.  
**STAN**  
K night!!

_10:16 PM_

**STAN**  
I looked up what it means  
Kenny is fucking liar  
DON’T LISTEN TO HIM  
DON'T TRUST ANYTHING HE SAYS  
**KYLE**  
So I don't make you feel anything?  
**STAN**  
Lmao dude wtf you talking about  
That's like weird  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, you’re right.  
Forget I asked. I’m tired.  
Talk to you tomorrow.  
**STAN**  
K good night dude

 

_Thurs, June 10, 4:21 PM_

**STAN**  
DUDE  
Someone totally messaged me on Cupid me!!!!  
**KYLE**  
Oh, you're still on that?  
Is it a real person?  
**STAN**  
UHHH I think so???  
It has a pix and everything  
**KYLE**  
It could be an ad.  
What does it say?  
**STAN**  
No I think it's for real  
He says hi. And that I have beautiful eyes.  
**KYLE**  
People on there are truly desperate.  
**STAN**  
EXCUSE YOU  
I do have nice eyes k  
I've been told many times.  
**KYLE**  
By whom? Your grandma?  
**STAN**  
YES GRAN GRAN SHE LOVES MY EYES  
And a lot of other people too fucker!  
Don't be jell.  
**KYLE**  
I’m not jell.  
**STAN**  
Wev you don't even know what k look like always  
Which is TOO BAD  
You're missing out  
**KYLE**  
Of a lot of pain. I know.  
**STAN**  
:T  
Dude what do I say back to him?  
His name is Gary  
He's cute?  
Oh dude I just called a guy cute  
That's so wild  
He is cute tho  
What should I say??? I don't wanna fuck up right off the bat  
**KYLE**  
Hmm. Okay, relax.  
Write this back.  
“Hey hot lips nice pix. Wanna see my huge dong and take a ride on it later? ;)”  
**STAN**  
….  
**KYLE**  
It'll work like a charm.  
**STAN**  
Fuck off if you aren't gonna help  
**KYLE**  
I'm just kidding!  
Look, you're asking the wrong person for dating advice.  
This is more Kenny’s area of expertise.  
**STAN**  
Dude I asked you cuz Kenny would've said that exact shit you told me and I don't want none of that  
Plus he doesn't know I'm on this app  
**KYLE**  
I thought you told Kenny everything.  
**STAN**  
Lmao no???  
We don't know everything about rash other  
*each other  
I gotta keep some stuff to myself you know  
Especially this kind  
**KYLE**  
Kenny can help you so much though...  
We should tell him.  
**STAN**  
No way  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to tell him.  
**STAN**  
NO  
KYLE  
DINT  
Dude don't c’mon  
I don't want anyone else to know k?  
It’s kinda embarrassing  
**KYLE**  
It's not a big deal. A lot of people meet this way these days.  
**STAN**  
I just don’t want them to know k?  
They’re totally gonna rip on me  
Anyways oh dude he sent it last night I should really answer before he thinks I’m not interested  
What should I say?  
**KYLE**  
You can start by saying hi?  
**STAN**  
K  
And then?  
**KYLE**  
Say thank you…? And compliment him back…?  
**STAN**  
k cool  
I told him he has a nice smile  
Now what?  
**KYLE**  
Have a conversation…?  
**STAN**  
K what do I talk about?  
**KYLE**  
Stan, just be yourself.  
If he doesn't like you for you, then he's not the one for you.  
**STAN**  
K yeah that makes sense  
But like seriously what do I say?  
**KYLE**  
Just be you.  
**STAN**  
K like you keep saying be myself and stuff  
but how tho???  
What does that even mean???  
**KYLE**  
Just talk to him like you normally would to anyone.  
Talk about your day, or your interests.  
Ask him about his.  
Show him your dog memes.  
**STAN**  
You sure???  
**KYLE**  
Why not? It could be an icebreaker.  
**STAN**  
But you hate when I do that  
**KYLE**  
You aren't trying to date me.  
**STAN**  
ARE YOU SURE???  
**KYLE**  
That you aren't trying to date me?  
**STAN**  
Lmao no!! The dog memes thing  
It's not gonna feel him out right?  
*freak him out I mean  
I'm kinda freaking out  
Oh god what if he thinks I'm a joke?  
**KYLE**  
You sent a stranger a picture of your dick.  
**STAN**  
OMFG LET THAT DIE DAMNIT  
And it's different  
I actually wanna talk to this guy  
He’s the first one since I started questioning you know what I mean?  
I wanna get off on the right foot  
**KYLE**  
There's no walkthrough or strategy guide. Be yourself. That's all.  
Like I said, if he doesn't like you for you, then what's the point?  
**STAN**  
K you're right  
I'm gonna play it cool  
There  
I messaged back  
Said hi and everything  
**KYLE**  
What’s his response?  
**STAN**  
Dunno  
He’s not online right now  
I'll let you know when he gets back to me  
If he gets back to me  
**KYLE**  
I hope it’s not an ad.  
I hate ads.  
**STAN**  
For real I hope so too bro  
He’s way too cute to be an ad

 

_Sat, June 12, 6:08 PM_

**STAN**  
JYLE  
WHAT FHE FUCK  
**KYLE**  
Jyle? You have the wrong number.  
**STAN**  
HOW CKME KENNY KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LOKE  
HOW COME YOU CSENT HIM YOUR PIX  
WHAT THR F  
WHAT  
FUCK  
YOK  
WHY  
**KYLE**  
Shit…  
**STAN**  
EXPLAIN YORUSELF  
**KYLE**  
… I don't know!  
He was… very persuasive.  
I don’t know how he got me to do it!  
**STAN**  
WERE YOU SEXTUNG HIM AGAIN  
IS THAT WHY YOU SNT HIM YORU PIX  
**KYLE**  
No! I told you I was just messing with him that time!  
**STAN**  
DOKT LIE TOME  
HE HAD THJS SMJLE ON HIS FACE  
HISS SXTING SMJLE  
**KYLE**  
I swear we weren't!  
Why would we even sext!  
**STAN**  
IM GONAN THROW HIS PHONE KN THE POND  
**KYLE**  
STAN NO.

_6:37 PM_

**KYLE**  
Kenny said you told Craig to stab his phone with a knife.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Craig actually tried to do it  
It was so fucking awesome  
Guy’s fucking nuts  
**KYLE**  
I… am not even going to ask.  
Are you still mad?  
**STAN**  
Nah  
Even tho it makes no fucking sense you would show Kenny but not me  
Cuz I thought you and me were best bros  
**KYLE**  
You and I.  
I’ve taught you that before.  
**STAN**  
Bro don’t correct my grammar after you played me like that  
I guess you gotta have your reason why you don’t want me to see  
It’s cool  
I’ll wait  
**KYLE**  
Look, it wasn’t meant to be anything.  
Kenny and I just… have a different relationship than what you and I have.  
**STAN**  
….  
**KYLE**  
We are not sexting.  
Get that out of your head.  
He wouldn’t do that to Marjorine, and I wouldn’t period.  
**STAN**  
K cool yeah  
Just making sure  
**KYLE**  
I’m just not there yet with you.  
**STAN**  
I know I know  
It’s cool :)

 

_Tues, June 15, 11:01 AM_

**KYLE**  
How's the move going?  
**STAN**  
HORRIBLE  
I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT  
WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT  
**KYLE**  
Well, moving is a good opportunity to clean out what you don't need.  
**STAN**  
Yeah for real I been at it for like the whole day and I'm not even close to halfway done  
But mom said I can just leave some of my stuff here too but like idk what not to bring  
So I'm just like trying to get everything  
**KYLE**  
Bring the necessities and objects of sentimental value, and leave the rest?  
**STAN**  
Easier said than done bro  
Dude I found like homework and school projects from 3rd grade  
I didn't even know I still have those lol  
It was so fun looking back at them  
Dude I got real good grades back then  
DRIPPING IN GOLD STARS YEAAH WHADDUP  
**KYLE**  
Weren't you a little old to get graded with stickers in third grade?  
**STAN**  
Pffft don’t be a hater cuz you didn't get any cool stickers :0  
**KYLE**  
No. I just got all A’s.  
In any case, those sound like you can leave behind.  
**STAN**  
Well no I can't. I might wanna look at them again later you know  
Reminiscent and stuff  
They are important  
**KYLE**  
But you didn't even know you still have them.  
**STAN**  
Well they were like at the back of the closet  
But like I know where they're now so I'm gonna bring them so I can look at them again later  
**KYLE**  
Do you really think you will?  
**STAN**  
Idk maybe  
Doesn't hurt to have them around right?  
AWW FUCK  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
Paw precut  
*papercut  
**KYLE**  
Betrayed by your gold stars, I see.  
**STAN**  
SHUUUUUSH  
I’m gonna take a break anyways  
I’m so tired lol  
**KYLE**  
Kenny said to hurry or he and Craig are going to trash your side of the room.

_11:23 PM_

**STAN**  
Lol fuck no they won’t !  
Sorry got distracted  
Was talking to Gary on the app  
Couldn't text back since it takes FOREVER to load back in once you exit out  
They really need to fix that  
**KYLE**  
How’s that going so far?  
**STAN**  
Great ! :D  
He’s really cool bro  
I like talking to him  
**KYLE**  
That’s nice.  
I’m glad he’s not an ad.  
**STAN**  
Lol me too  
I think I’m just gonna give him my number  
Makes it easier to talk  
**KYLE**  
Already? Hasn’t it only been a couple of days?  
**STAN**  
Yeah but like we been talking a lot too tho  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure that’s a good idea?  
**STAN**  
It’s just my number  
It's not like I’m giving his my social security number  
Which btw I know what it is now lol  
**KYLE**  
Did you ask your mom?  
**STAN**  
… maybe  
Gimme a sec gotta get back in the app  
**KYLE**  
You gave him your number, huh?  
**STAN**  
yeah  
he just texted me :)  
**KYLE**  
Don’t forget to finish packing.

_12:05 PM_

**STAN**  
I won’t lol

_3:44 PM_

**STAN**  
Kenny and Craig drew dicks on the wall  
Above my bed  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
He showed me the picture.  
**STAN**  
I fucking hate these guys  
**KYLE**  
I told you to hurry.  
But I guess you were too busy talking to Gary.  
**STAN**  
Lol yeah i guess  
He’s great bro  
I’m so glad I gave this thing a shot  
**KYLE**  
I’m happy for you.  
And your wall of dicks.  
**STAN**  
FUCKING ASSHOLES  
I’M GONNA KICK HTIER ASS  
**KYLE**  
If only you weren’t so distracted.  
**STAN**  
Lol it’s not Gary’s fault he’s fun to talk to  
**KYLE**  
I guess not.

 

_Wed, June 16, 5:45 PM_

**KYLE**  
How are you settling in?  
**STAN**  
So much shit to unpack omg  
So tired  
**KYLE**  
What did you do with the dicks wall?  
**STAN**  
Posters bro  
Shit tons of posters  
I don’t have the money to fix that up right now  
Fucking Kenny and Craig  
They should be the ones paying to repaint the wall  
Our landlord is gonna fucking kill us if he finds out  
**KYLE**  
In my defense, I didn’t know they were going to draw dicks.  
Kenny didn’t say that specifically.  
**STAN**  
I should draw something above their beds too  
REVENGE  
**KYLE**  
At that rate, you might all get evicted.  
**STAN**  
Lmao true...  
Hey uh random  
So I was thinking  
**KYLE**  
Wow. When did you learn to do that?  
**STAN**  
Pfft fuck off  
No listen  
**KYLE**  
What is it?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh so it’s been like 3 months now since we started talking ?  
Do you wanna know what I look like?  
I mean idk if it matters to you  
Probably not  
But I'm cool with it if you wanna see  
So yeah just putting it out there  
I know you probably aren't gonna show me what you look like  
EVEN THO YOU SHOWED KENNY  
But yeah lemme know if you wanna see  
If that doesn't mess up what this is  
**KYLE**  
What do you mean?  
**STAN**  
K like tbh at first I was kinda like annoyed with how super secretive you are?  
But now I kinda get the whole thing you said a long time ago  
Like how there's no pressure?  
I think that's why I can tell you so much and why it’s so easy you know?  
I mean I told you shit I never told anyone else and probably would never do if you weren’t around  
cuz it's like I don't have to see you the next day and I can just like cut you out of my life completely with a button like that  
**KYLE**  
It’s freeing, isn’t it?  
**STAN**  
Yeah totally it’s like very no strings attached  
But I don't think I ever wanna do that  
Cut you out I mean  
And see this is the kind of shit I would never say to you if I knew you in IRL  
But seriously even if we never meet or I don't ever even know what you look like  
Like that doesn't bother me anymore  
**KYLE**  
Then why did you ask if I wanted to know what you look like?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
I like showing off?  
Lol  
**KYLE**  
I don't mind.  
No nude.  
**STAN**  
I swear you’re like totally obsessed with my body ;)  
But I'm seriously all sweaty and dusty tho from unpacking  
And my hair is a mess  
So don't judge  
**KYLE**  
No promises.  
**STAN**  
Lol yeah figure asshole  
[image]  
Well there you go… :)  
**KYLE**  
Nice shirt.  
**STAN**  
lol thanks dude  
that all you have to say??  
**KYLE**  
Yeah…  
Anything else I say, it would imply your gran gran is a liar.  
**STAN**  
:|  
Leave gran gran outta this  
So uhhhh… you feel like going next?  
**KYLE**  
Maybe when I'm more presentable.  
Unlike you, I actually care about the impression I make.  
**STAN**  
WOW RUDE  
**KYLE**  
I’m not ready.  
**STAN**  
That’s cool  
No pressure or nothing  
If you don't wanna I get it  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
For being patient with me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah bro of course!! :)  
Like I said it doesn't matter if I don't ever get to know  
This is fine the way it is and I know it's what you're comfortable with  
**KYLE**  
Thank you.  
It means a lot you understand.  
I don’t know why your dicks wall made you think of me.  
But thanks.  
**STAN**  
IT’S NOT BECAUSE OF HTE DICK WALL OMG  
FUCK OFF  
I’m gonna have to sleep under it tonight  
I fucking hate this place already

 

_Fri, June 18, 3:14 PM_

**STAN**  
KYle  
He wants to meaty  
He wants to meet  
**KYLE**  
Who?  
**STAN**  
Gary  
**KYLE**  
From the app?  
**STAN**  
Yes  
Saturday  
Tomorrow  
Coffee lunch and maybe a movie after it were feeling it  
**KYLE**  
It’s only been a week.  
**STAN**  
Yes  
But  
**KYLE**  
But…?  
**STAN**  
He's cute  
And funny  
And really sweet  
And I like talking to him  
And did I mention he's cute  
He's so cute  
**KYLE**  
You might have mentioned it once or twice.  
**STAN**  
So  
Cute  
**KYLE**  
I guess you've finally found someone who appreciates your love for dog memes.  
**STAN**  
He loves them  
He thinks I'm funny  
**KYLE**  
You're typing funny.  
**STAN**  
I'm shAking  
MY hands are shaking  
Kyle dude this is happening  
I think he's into me  
I mean he has to be if he wanna meet right?  
He's totally into me  
**KYLE**  
Are you going to go?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
Why  
Should I not  
**KYLE**  
Don't you think it's too soon?  
**STAN**  
It's just to hang out  
It's not like a date  
Shit maybe it's a date  
I should ask him  
**KYLE**  
Wait.  
**STAN**  
He said it can be if we want  
Wait what  
**KYLE**  
I'm just worried.  
**STAN**  
Dude what’s up with you?  
You been like super weird with this whole Gary thing  
**KYLE**  
I didn't think you would move so fast.  
**STAN**  
It's gonna be fine!  
He’s a nice guy  
I like him  
**KYLE**  
I know that. You’ve said that a lot.  
**STAN**  
Then what's the problem???  
**KYLE**  
I really don't want you to rush into anything.  
**STAN**  
Bro it's just coffee that might or might not be a date  
**KYLE**  
I know but you're still new at this.  
I thought you could try to take it slower.  
Does he know that you’re still trying to figure yourself out?  
There’s a lot you don’t know.  
I don’t want you to get hurt.  
**STAN**  
No kid gloves  
And it might not even turn into anything lbr so I'm not like building myself up to it  
It's just coffee  
I know what I'm doing  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure?  
**STAN**  
Your lack of faith is disturbing  
**KYLE**  
Now who's the nerd?  
**STAN**  
C’mon Kyle!!  
I got this bro  
Can’t hurt to make a new friend either way right?  
Don't worry!!!  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I hope your coffee that might or might not be a date goes well.  
**STAN**  
Thanks man! :D  
I'll tell you how it goes!


	9. none kyle with left gary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #has anyone seen stan

_Sat, June 19, 11:36 AM_

**STAN**  
K YLE  
**KYLE**  
What's wrong?  
**STAN**  
HELP  
All my clothes are a mess cuz I brought them over in a trash bag  
Like the fucking genius that I am  
And we don't have am iron  
Why the duck don't we have an iron  
WE HAVE TWO TOASTERS BUT NO IRON??/  
Forget it  
ICant go on this date  
**KYLE**  
Did you take a shower yet?  
**STAN**  
No?????  
SHIT I STINK TOO  
But why bother  
I’ll just tell him I got hit by a bus and died  
**KYLE**  
Go take a shower and hang your clothes in there with you.  
The steam will take care of the wrinkles.  
**STAN**  
Wait for real??? That's a thing??  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Brb showering now

_12:02 PM_

**STAN**  
Bro  
Bro  
You're my life saver  
Don't ever leave me  
**KYLE**  
You’re going to be late for your date.  
**STAN**  
Sshhhhh don't’ jinx it  
[image]  
How do I look?  
**KYLE**  
Don't forget to do your hair.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh I already did it tho???  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
Oh.  
Good luck.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
WHATS WRONG WITH T HAIR  
**KYLE**  
Nothing.  
**STAN**  
GODDAMN KT

_12:28 PM_

**STAN**  
[image]  
Better?  
Please tell me it's better  
I had to paid Craig $20 to fix it for me  
**KYLE**  
$20...? Really?  
**STAN**  
IKR??? He wanted 40 to start but I talked him down  
Fucking asshole  
Just cuz he got like Adonis hair and don't ever need to worry about shit like this  
So does it look ok or not???  
**KYLE**  
It looks great.  
Craig’s a miracle worker.  
**STAN**  
Thank fucking god  
Alright I gotta run  
Wish me luck bro!  
**KYLE**  
I already did.  
**STAN**  
Do it again  
**KYLE**  
You don't need luck.  
It'll go well.  
**STAN**  
:)  
You say the best shit bro

_1:06 PM_

**STAN**  
He's running late :(  
An accident or something on the road  
You don't think that's an excuse do you?  
**KYLE**  
He seems too nice to do that.  
**STAN**  
True true  
Aww dude I'm so nervous :x  
My hands are sweating  
And my head itches  
Dude tf what if I'm allergic to the hair gel Craig used  
What if my head starts fucking swelling up????  
I’ll look like Mr. Mackey  
**KYLE**  
Who’s that?  
**STAN**  
My high school counselor  
Big head  
Talks funny  
Not what I want to look like  
**KYLE**  
Relax. You can charm him even with an inflated head.  
**STAN**  
I'm trying  
Dude I wish you were here  
You're always so calm and stuff  
You don't panic and freak out  
**KYLE**  
One of us has to be the straight man.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Straight  
Oh goooooddddd  
**KYLE**  
You'll do fine.  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
But what if he doesn't like me dude  
**KYLE**  
You said he was totally into you.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but like what if I’m wrong tho  
**KYLE**  
He wouldn't have wanted to meet you if he didn't like you.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but if he doesn't like me when he actually meets me tho  
**KYLE**  
Why?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
What if I’m not what he thinks I’m?  
**KYLE**  
Were you dishonest with him?  
**STAN**  
No nothing like that!  
**KYLE**  
Did you exaggerate something about yourself?  
Are you really not six feet tall?  
**STAN**  
lol alright alright you caught me!  
I'm only like 5’11 ish...  
Really really close to 6 tho!  
**KYLE**  
Everything I thought I knew about you is a lie.  
**STAN**  
Noooooo just that one part  
Aww c’mon I wouldn't lie to you  
You know that bro  
I always been real with you  
**KYLE**  
I can't trust you anymore.  
Do you even have guns?  
**STAN**  
[image]  
Bang you’re dead  
**KYLE**  
Yes, let me die here, buried under your lies.  
**STAN**  
Bro don’t die I NEED YOU  
SHIT DUDE he says he’s gonna be here in 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
What do I say when I see him??  
**KYLE**  
You want me to walk you through your date?  
**STAN**  
lmao omg yessss like in the movies!  
With the earpiece and stuff  
HURRY  
4 minutes  
Countdown  
**KYLE**  
That's not going to happen.  
**STAN**  
Why!!!??? HELP ME  
**KYLE**  
1) You don't have the right equipment.  
2) Again, I'm not the one you should get dating advice from.  
3) I have a cold coming on so I don't want to.  
4) You'll be fine. He’ll like you. You'll have a great time.  
**STAN**  
Shit bro you're sick??  
Again??  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
Again.  
**STAN**  
Why didn't you say anything??  
How you feeling?  
**KYLE**  
I’m surviving.  
**STAN**  
You took something for t yet??  
**KYLE**  
I’m trying not to take so much medicine.  
It doesn’t feel too bad.  
I’m sure I’ll get over it in a day or two.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh you know we invented shit to make you FEEL BETTER right ??  
You should take something  
**KYLE**  
I can take care of myself.  
Don't worry about me, okay?  
**STAN**  
k fine :\  
Lemme know if something happens yeah?  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
**STAN**  
You sure he’ll like me?  
**KYLE**  
He’d be out of his mind not to.  
**STAN**  
:)  
I SEE HIM  
G2g bye  
**KYLE**  
Have fun.

_2:34 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude you good?  
**KYLE**  
Is the date over?  
**STAN**  
No we're gonna catch a movie  
**KYLE**  
Put your phone down.  
**STAN**  
GEEZ!!  
Here I am being a good bro trying to make sure you're ok and all I get is a cold shoulder  
I see how it is  
**KYLE**  
You're being a bad date.  
**STAN**  
I don't think he cares  
You don't think he does do you?  
**KYLE**  
I'm not him so I don't know.  
Common courtesy would say he might.  
**STAN**  
awww SHIT  
Should I ask??  
**KYLE**  
I guess you could.  
**STAN**  
I told him  
He's fine with it ! :)  
And he said feel better soon  
**KYLE**  
He really is nice.  
**STAN**  
I know!!! :)  
He's so awesome dude  
ANd he has like the best smile ???  
Is that weird  
**KYLE**  
That he has a nice smile?  
**STAN**  
No that I like it  
Him  
I like him  
**KYLE**  
It’s not weird.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Movie about to start so ttyl

_3:02 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey  
**KYLE**  
Aren't you at the movie?  
**STAN**  
….. maybe? :D  
**KYLE**  
Put your phone away.  
**STAN**  
I just wanna know if you're feeling ok cuz you didn't answer me when I asked earlier  
**KYLE**  
I'm fine.  
Seriously, stop texting me.  
**STAN**  
Kk  
But you are ok tho right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.

_5:48 PM_

**STAN**  
Bro you gotta go watch Jacking and Jilling  
Omg Adam Sandler is so fucking hilarious!!!!  
**KYLE**  
Are you still with him?  
**STAN**  
Yea  
We got hungry so we're gonna grab something to eat  
**KYLE**  
I guess your coffee that might or might not be a date is officially a date.  
**STAN**  
I think so too!  
This is like an awesome first date :D

_6:02 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
**KYLE**  
Is something the matter?  
**STAN**  
Nah just checking cuz you didn’t respond  
**KYLE**  
I figured the only way to get you to stop texting me is not to answer.  
**STAN**  
UM ROOD  
Fine wev I’ll stop :T

_8:11 PM_

**STAN**  
Bro I know you’re ignoring me but I got a serious question  
SO S  
We’re calling it a night now  
Kiss or no kiss?

_8:13 PM_

**STAN**  
KYLE PELASE  
WERE ALMOST AT HIS CAR  
**KYLE**  
Why are you asking me?  
Maybe you should ask him.  
**STAN**  
But like that wouldn't be like spontaneous and stuff??  
**KYLE**  
But it has to be mutual too, doesn't it?

_8:25 PM_

**STAN**  
Nevermind it’s all good :)  
He kissed me  
**KYLE**  
He likes you.  
**STAN**  
Yeah he likes me :)

 

_Sun, June 20, 1:24 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude  
You up?  
**KYLE**  
It’s three in the morning, why would I not be up?  
**STAN**  
Aww shit sorry man :x  
I kept forgetting we’re in different time now  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine. What do you need?  
**STAN**  
Lmao how did you know I need something  
**KYLE**  
Because it’s three in the morning.  
Is something wrong?  
**STAN**  
No  
Yes  
Idk I'm just thinking about today  
**KYLE**  
Don't tell me you're too excited to sleep.  
**STAN**  
No  
I mean kinda??  
But also ugh Idk  
**KYLE**  
I thought the date went well.  
**STAN**  
No yeah it did but it's like weird  
Idk I feel bad  
You ever feel like when things are going good you don't deserve them to be?  
Like why should you get to have this good thing?  
You know what I mean?  
**KYLE**  
You deserve to be happy.  
**STAN**  
Yeah?  
**KYLE**  
Of course.  
**STAN**  
Right k  
But how do you know that tho?  
Like how can you be sure?  
What if I don't  
**KYLE**  
Of course you do.  
**STAN**  
Right but like HOW do you know  
For sure  
Like how?  
**KYLE**  
Everyone deserves to be happy.  
**STAN**  
Even if I’m like a bad person?  
**KYLE**  
You are not a bad person.  
You know that, right?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
I think so  
Fuck  
I hate myself so much right now  
I’m already fucking everything up  
**KYLE**  
You haven’t.  
I know there’s a lot of doubts in you. It’s understandable.  
You’re still trying to figure out who you are. It’ll take time.  
**STAN**  
I really like him  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
I hope he can make you happy.  
**STAN**  
I thought you didn't want me to move too fast  
**KYLE**  
I didn’t.  
I don’t.  
But I also want you to have what makes you happy.  
As long as you don’t get in over your head, of course.  
We all know how much you like to do that.  
**STAN**  
Thanks  
I really wanna have it too  
What makes me happy  
**KYLE**  
Whatever it is, I’m sure you deserve it.  
**STAN**  
I hope so  
I don’t want to fuck this up  
**KYLE**  
You won’t.  
**STAN**  
:)  
Hey how’s your cold anyways???  
You feeling any better??  
**KYLE**  
I will if you let me go back to bed.  
**STAN**  
Lol kk  
Rest up bro!  
Sweet dreams and all that  
**KYLE**  
Good night.  
Text if you need anything.  
**STAN**  
:)

_11:44 AM_

**STAN**  
K so I talked to Gary about it  
And told him how I’m still new to all this and I don’t wanna go too fast and screw up or whatever  
He totally gets it and like he’s not gonna rush me or anything  
We’re gonna take things slow and see how it goes  
**KYLE**  
That’s great.  
I’m glad he’s so understanding.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude!!!  
He’s seriously so great?? :D  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
You’ve mentioned it.  
**STAN**  
Lol k I get it!  
You’re sick of me talking about Gary  
Don’t be jell ;)  
**KYLE**  
I’m not jell.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh you sound pretty jell bro  
You don’t hear it?  
**KYLE**  
It’s hard to hear anything over the sound of your ego.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/06/Are-you-mocking-me---dog-meme.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
Here we go again.  
**STAN**  
Look bro I know I been benching you but you have me today  
Whatever you wanna do I’m game  
**KYLE**  
Thanks, but I have plans already.  
**STAN**  
D:  
But but but  
What about me?  
**KYLE**  
I have a life of my own, you know.  
**STAN**  
WELL FINE WHATEVER  
I’ll just hang with Kenny today  
**KYLE**  
Kenny’s out with Marjorine.  
**STAN**  
… I’ll hang out with Craig  
**KYLE**  
Craig doesn’t even like you.  
**STAN**  
…  
Shit I got nothing to do today  
What are you doing?  
Where are you going?  
What time are you gonna be home?  
Can’t we talk??  
Kyle??  
Don't leave meeeeeeeeee  
**KYLE**  
I’ll be home in the afternoon.  
I'll text you when I'm back.  
**STAN**  
K fine :(  
Have fun  
Whatever you’re doing

_6:37 PM_

**KYLE**  
I just got home.  
**STAN**  
WTH KYLE  
You said you’d be back in the afternoon  
I WAITED THE WHOLE DAY  
THE WHOLE DAY  
**KYLE**  
You shouldn’t have.  
**STAN**  
:(  
You don't even care  
I see how it is  
:(  
**KYLE**  
All right. Stop whining.  
Just let me grab a shower then we can do whatever you want to do.  
**STAN**  
For real???  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
I'm gonna boot up COD  
**KYLE**  
I'll be there in thirty.  
**STAN**  
Can't you take shorter shower??  
Who takes a 30 mins shower??  
**KYLE**  
Someone who cares about his hygiene… Unlike you.  
**STAN**  
EXCUSE YOU  
**KYLE**  
Thanks!  
I'll talk to you in thirty minutes.  
**STAN**  
I'm counting :T

_7:09 PM_

**STAN**  
You have 1 minute left bro  
You better show or else  
55  
54  
53  
52  
51  
50  
49  
48  
47  
46  
45  
44  
42  
41  
40  
39  
**KYLE**  
You skipped 43.  
**STAN**  
:D you're here! :D  
**KYLE**  
I'm here.  
**STAN**  
:D :D :D  
**KYLE**  
What’s up with you?  
**STAN**  
Lol nothing dude I'm happy  
C’mon let's go go go!!  
**KYLE**  
All right, calm down.  
You’re acting like an excited puppy.  
**STAN**  
Woof! Woof!  
**KYLE**  
… yeah, no, stop that.  
**STAN**  
Sad woof… :(  
**KYLE**  
Stop.

_7:56 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude what’s up with you  
You’re so off your game  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
I’m exhausted.  
**STAN**  
Go to bed bro  
**KYLE**  
Are you going to let me?  
**STAN**  
YEAH  
Rest up  
You sound hella tired!!  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  
**STAN**  
Yeah sure!!  
Night bro!!

 

_Tues, June 22, 12:03 PM_

**KYLE**  
Kenny said to tell you that you’re late for work.  
**STAN**  
I KNOW  
BUT  
I can’t come outta the room rn  
**KYLE**  
Kenny said you can finish jerking off at work.  
**STAN**  
FUCK OFF  
NO DUDE  
Clyde is outside  
In the living room  
In the apartment  
With Craig  
He’s talk to g Craig  
HE’S TALKIN TO CRAIG  
**KYLE**  
Holy shit. Is it going well?  
**STAN**  
IDK!1!!!!?!  
I don’t hear any crying so I think it’s ok???  
I didnt’ even know Clyde was coming over  
He didn’t tell me  
FUCK  
They better be talking their shit out  
**KYLE**  
I hope so too.  
**STAN**  
Im gonna try to take a look  
**KYLE**  
What do you see?  
**STAN**  
Not much  
Bad angel  
Angel  
Angle fuck  
They’re on the couch  
Talking  
Shit fuck  
Raig saw me  
Back in my room  
**KYLE**  
Do they seem civil with each other?  
**STAN**  
Yeah!!!! I think it’s ok??  
Please god let this be ok  
**KYLE**  
They’re talking. That’s progress.  
**STAN**  
YEAH!!! Fuck I thought this was never gonna happen  
I mean Clyde started talking to me again eventually after the apartment shit but this is like the first time he talked to Craig in like fucking months  
**KYLE**  
Fingers crossed.  
**STAN**  
cROSS YOUR TOES TOO  
I been waiting for this shit to blow over  
Please please please let this be over  
Things are finally going good for me please let this fucking drama die  
I don't wanna deal with it anymore  
PRAY WITH ME  
**KYLE**  
Please let Clyde and Craig be friends again.  
**STAN**  
Please  
Please  
Please  
I'll give you my firstborn  
**KYLE**  
Who are we praying to?  
**STAN**  
Idk Satan?  
He seems like a pretty chill dude  
**KYLE**  
We don’t have to go that route yet.  
It might turn out fine.  
**STAN**  
K YEL  
They’re calling me  
CLyd’es telling me to come out  
I’M SHAKING  
FUCKIM’G SHAKING  
AIR  
It’s like when my parents sat me and my sister down and told us they were getting divorced  
**KYLE**  
Take a deep breath.  
**STAN**  
K  
K  
I’m going  
I'm going out  
**KYLE**  
Good luck...

_12:22 PM_

**STAN**  
I don’t care what people say but three people hug is like super uncomfortable  
Single most awkward hug of my life hands down  
**KYLE**  
I take it that everything is resolved then.  
**STAN**  
YESSSSSS  
THANK YOU GOD AND SATAN  
ITs all fucking over  
**KYLE**  
What prompted Clyde to finally reconcile with Craig?  
**STAN**  
Oh get this surprise twist  
It was Tweek  
**KYLE**  
Wow. I didn't expect him to step in.  
I thought he didn't care for Clyde’s attitude.  
**STAN**  
I K NOW  
I guess Craig mentioned something about it and even Tweek was like this shit is dumb but I guess if anyone knows how bad Craig feels about what was happening with Clyde it would be Tweek you know?  
So they talked and stuff and idk Tweek was like Clyde shouldn't feel threatened cuz he's in the picture and like Clyde is always gonna be important to Craig and idk I don't care  
I'm just glad it's all over  
The gang’s back together!  
**KYLE**  
I'm glad. That's one thing off your chest.  
**STAN**  
Dude seriously I feel 10 pounds lighter  
It's like everything's finally getting back on track  
Shit dude I haven't felt this good in a while  
I feel real good  
**KYLE**  
I'm happy for you, and I don't mean to throw water on you but did you leave for work yet?  
**STAN**  
FUCK  
FUCK  
FUCK  
MY  
LIFE  
Mr Donovan said he was gonna fire me for real if I'm late again  
FUCK  
THIS IS ALL CLYDES FAULT  
FUCK CLDYDE  
**KYLE**  
Just hurry and leave.  
Kenny said he'll cover for you.  
**STAN**  
GOING  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Yeah?  
**STAN**  
Pray for me  
**KYLE**  
I will.

_1:18 PM_

**STAN**  
WELL  
HE DIDN'T FIRE ME BUT HE CUT MY HOURS  
H ewes like since you don't show up to work anyways it doesn't matter  
FUCK  
WHat happened to my life going back on track???  
I know it was too good to be true  
FUCK  
How am I gonna pay for all the shit I need?  
How am I gonna pay for school?  
WHY can't I have nice things!!!!  
**KYLE**  
Calm down. You still have a job, and the fact that he didn't fire you means he still sees value in you.  
Learn a lesson from this then show him how capable and irreplaceable you are.  
**STAN**  
Dude I get where you going with this but it's a freaking shoes store  
I'm legit a nobody there  
Someone can take my spot in like 10 seconds  
The only reason he didn't kick my ass outta there himself is probably cuz I'm Clyde’s friend  
Ugh I really thought things were looking up  
**KYLE**  
It's just one set back. It doesn't negate all the good things happening.  
**STAN**  
I guess :\  
I gotta go dude  
I'm not even supposed to be on break  
**KYLE**  
Text me when you're off.  
**STAN**  
You know I will

 

_Wed, June 23, 2:30 PM_

**STAN**  
Yo dude  
You got time?

_6:12 PM_

**KYLE**  
Sorry, I was so busy today, I didn’t even get to take a lunch.  
What do you need?  
**STAN**  
Its cool  
Sorry on the phone with gary  
Text you later  
**KYLE**  
Oh, okay.

_9:45 PM_

**STAN**  
Bro you asleep?  
I didn’t forget to text you back  
I legit just got off the phone with Gary  
We talked for like 4 hours lol

_9:57 PM_

**STAN**  
K I guess you’re sleeping  
Text me in the morning when you get this

 

_Thurs, June 24, 7:28 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah?  
**STAN**  
Hey  
Why didn’t you text me back  
**KYLE**  
I thought you might be busy with Gary.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh I'm not  
Not right now anyways  
You still could've texted me back either way  
**KYLE**  
I meant to.  
I must have lost track of time.  
It’s been hell at work.  
**STAN**  
Dude you holding up ok?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, it’s just a busy time of the year.  
What was it that you needed?  
**STAN**  
I was just gonna ask if you could pick out classes with me  
I'm registering next week  
**KYLE**  
Oh, sure, I can help with that.  
**STAN**  
Nah it's cool don’t worry  
Gary and me picked them out already last night  
**KYLE**  
Oh, okay.  
That’s good.  
**STAN**  
Yeah he’s really good with that stuff  
Maybe cuz he’s studying to be a social worker? Idk he just gets me really well  
**KYLE**  
I’m glad he was able to help you.  
My manager is coming. I have to go.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Don’t work too hard!  
**KYLE**  
Impossible.

_3:05 PM_

**STAN**  
You off yet?

 

_Fri, June 25, 5:36 AM_

**KYLE**  
I passed out as soon as I got home.

_8:12 AM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
You need a vacation lol  
**KYLE**  
I’m not even going to delude myself with that thought.

 

_Sat, June 26, 7:21 PM_

**STAN**  
Ummmmm lemme think  
So there were a couple girls here and there  
I had a “girlfriend” in fourth grade but that was just like a thing you were supposed to do you know what I mean?  
Everyone was “dating” someone in school. You weren’t cool if you didn’t have a gf so yeah  
But like I never been in a serious serious relationship tbh  
Mostly just fooling around and stuff and I guess by like uhhhh senior year or so I kinda stopped seeing anyone for real all together  
Idk if that was when I started feeling like it didn’t feel right being with girls but yeah  
Lol that was pretty short and boring  
K your turn  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
My first girlfriend was Rebecca. It was freshman year of college. We lived in the same building, but we didn’t really talk until almost halfway into the year. She was pretty introverted, but immensely intelligent and inquisitive once she started opening up.  
**STAN**  
She sounds cool and like a good match for you  
What happened tho?  
**KYLE**  
Well, it was a lot of things, I guess.  
College was both our first taste of freedom. I was satisfied with what we had, but it wasn't enough for her. I don’t blame her for wanting to explore more than what I was comfortable with.  
Also her brother hated me, so that was another factor. He even beat me up once.  
**STAN**  
Woah holy shit :0  
I seriously can’t imagine anyone wanting to kick your ass  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, that’s a story for another day.  
Anyway. After that, there was Christophe. It was mostly a summer fling before junior year.  
He was an exchange student so he didn’t know anyone. I can’t tell you why he took an interest in me but he did.  
**STAN**  
Ooooh foreign kid?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, he’s French.  
**STAN**  
Ooohooooo  
Guess you did lot of french kissing ;)  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
He was a wild card. Almost a polar opposite of everything I am. Maybe that’s why I was captivated. But we never managed to connect emotionally. There was always something missing between us. It was mostly a physical relationship.  
**STAN**  
Oh that sucks  
No pun intended  
**KYLE**  
Sure.  
**STAN**  
Was he like the first guy you were with?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
How was that like?  
**KYLE**  
Liberating.  
**STAN**  
???  
**KYLE**  
It was like letting a piece of myself I had been hiding to finally surface.  
What I thought was a glitch turned out to be an integral part of who I am.  
I felt whole for the first time.  
**STAN**  
Oh dang  
Sounds like he was a pretty big deal even if it didn’t turn out to be much  
**KYLE**  
He was.  
**STAN**  
So uhhhh was it like different?  
**KYLE**  
In what aspect?  
**STAN**  
Like... doing it with a guy?  
I mean you been with both  
So like how was that?  
**KYLE**  
Why are you asking? Are you that far along with Gary already?  
**STAN**  
Lmao no dude!!!  
We held hands and made out  
A couple of times  
That’s about it  
All very PG  
PG13 max  
I'm just wondering you know  
And I can trust you with stuff like this  
**KYLE**  
It's kind of awkward to talk about it.  
There are obviously some differences physically.  
Emotionally speaking, I was more connected to Rebecca.  
But strictly on a physical level, being with Christophe was more… I guess, satisfying?  
Though to be fair, that might also be because Rebecca and I weren’t as experienced back then.  
**STAN**  
So were you like  
You know  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know…?  
**STAN**  
You know  
**KYLE**  
What are you asking me?  
**STAN**  
Like… when you were with him… were you.,..  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
Were you  
**KYLE**  
Was I… what?  
**STAN**  
A Craig  
Or a Tweek  
**KYLE**  
… I don't know what that means.  
**STAN**  
YOU KNOW  
Like  
You know…  
**KYLE**  
… What the hell?  
**STAN**  
YOU  
KNOW  
**KYLE**  
Oh God...  
Why are you even asking me that?  
Why would you even want to know?  
**STAN**  
UHHHMMM  
Just wondering  
So…  
Did you do THAT?  
**KYLE**  
I’m not answering that.  
**STAN**  
K  
So you did  
**KYLE**  
What the fuck.  
**STAN**  
Cuz if you didn’t you would just say so so you probably did?  
Just a guess  
I’m like smart and stuff you know ;D  
**KYLE**  
Oh God…  
I can’t have this conversation with you.  
**STAN**  
Do you like it  
**KYLE**  
I am not answering.  
**STAN**  
Did he  
Eat your ass  
**KYLE**  
Shut the fuck up.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
C’MON  
I’m just messing with you!  
**KYLE**  
Fuck you.  
I’m going to bed.  
**STAN**  
No wait  
C’mon  
I wanna hear more about you  
You never told me these stuff before  
**KYLE**  
No. I’m done.  
**STAN**  
Did you love them?  
Rebecca and Christopher?  
**KYLE**  
Christophe.  
**STAN**  
Oops sorry  
Did you?  
**KYLE**  
Honestly… I don’t know.  
**STAN**  
???  
**KYLE**  
I felt something for both of them, but I don’t know if it qualified as love.  
**STAN**  
What do you mean?  
**KYLE**  
I don't know if I loved them.  
**STAN**  
Shouldn't you know tho? Like don’t you just feel it?  
**KYLE**  
Do you?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
I mean not for myself but like when I look at Kenny and Marj or Craig and Tweek or Token and Nichole and I see this… idk connection or whatever you wanna call it between them  
There is really no word to lay it out but anyways like that’s love to me?  
It’s like this thing that makes all the bad things in you shut up for a second  
It doesn't make them go away but it just shuts them up long enough that you feel like you can breathe for a second  
And you’re so fucking happy it’s like the Broncos won the Super Bowl all over again  
And everything just feels ok  
Like you can get through this  
The bad stuff  
**KYLE**  
Does Gary make you feel like that?  
**STAN**  
hhhh not right now  
Maybe later he can?  
That’s like not for me to decide tho right?  
It’s just gonna happen when it does doesn’t it?  
**KYLE**  
I guess so.  
But now you know why I’m not the person you should ask for relationship advice.  
**STAN**  
Bro don’t be so bummed out !  
You're gonna find someone  
Some day you’ll meet someone who makes you feel what Kenny makes Marj feel  
**KYLE**  
Like there’s a lubed fist up my ass?  
**STAN**  
NO NOT LIKE THAT  
I mean unless you’re into that stuff??  
Kenny did say you were kinky...  
But hoW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAt kenny does with Marj  
Wait  
I don’t wanna know  
But you know what I am saying???  
**KYLE**  
I do.  
Thanks for thinking of me.  
**STAN**  
Sure bro  
I want you to be happy too you know  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
**STAN**  
So did he tho  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
Did he  
Eat  
your  
ass  
**KYLE**  
Fuck.  
You.  
**STAN**  
So… he did? :D  
**KYLE**  
Fuck off.

 

_Mon, June 28, 7:43 PM_

**KYLE**  
It’s because they know how I got this position.  
I don’t know how, but I’m sure it wasn’t that hard to find out.  
**STAN**  
DUDE WTF THEY'RE TOTALLY OUT TO GET YOU!!!  
FUCK THEM  
Can’t you like report them or something???  
Tell your boss???  
**KYLE**  
That will probably make it worse.  
My only option now is to do the best job I can and shut them up.  
I don’t care for their pettiness.  
**STAN**  
YEAH BRO KICK THEIR ASS  
They’re just jealous cuz they know you’re smarter and more capable than them and they’re like scared or whatever  
Fuck them  
Seriously  
People like that are shit  
**KYLE**  
I don’t care about them. I’m only here to do my job.  
**STAN**  
K but like don’t push yourself too much tho  
I know how you’re like  
You don’t quit til you break  
And you sound like you’re seriously running on fume  
**KYLE**  
I am.  
Hopefully I’ll catch a break after we finish up this project.  
**STAN**  
I’m rooting for you bro  
I got your back  
I’ll order a bunch of pizzas to their houses and make them pay for them  
**KYLE**  
Ah, yes, that will teach them a lesson.  
**STAN**  
Don’t fuck with my friends  >:]  
Take care of yourself tho k bro???  
**KYLE**  
I will.

 

_Tues, June 29, 2:15 PM_

**STAN**  
Did you check your snap??  
**KYLE**  
I just did.  
**STAN**  
What do you think?? :D  
**KYLE**  
You look happy.  
**STAN**  
Lol thanks  
but what do you think about Gary???  
**KYLE**  
He seems nice.  
It’s official then?  
**STAN**  
It’s official! :D  
**KYLE**  
You two are boyfriends now.  
**STAN**  
YUP  
BOYFRIENDS! :D  
**KYLE**  
I’m happy for you.  
**STAN**  
Ummmmm k you don’t sound happy  
Hey you ok?? :0  
**KYLE**  
I’m fine.  
I’m just swamped right now.  
**STAN**  
Dude what are they doing to you over there now???  
**KYLE**  
It’ll quiet down soon.  
**STAN**  
For real  
You’re way too stressed out and stuff  
**KYLE**  
I am.  
**STAN**  
Hang in there :(  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
I have to go. I have a meeting.  
I’ll catch up with you later.  
**STAN**  
Kk  
Smile! Only 3 more days till the weekend!

 

_Wed, June 30, 4:13 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude  
Guess what!

_5:48 PM_

**STAN**  
Broooooo  
It’s good news  
I promise  
Shit you aren’t still at work are you???!?!?!

_7:32 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
You knocked out again? D:

 

_Thurs, July 1, 6:18 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?  
You ok?

_8:54 AM_

Kyle  
_calling…_

Kyle  
_0:02_

Kyle  
_call ending..._

Kyle  
_call ended_

_8:56 AM_

**STAN**  
Where are you  
What’s going on  
Dude  
I’m freaking out  
Kyle?


	10. dicks out for kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mood: what the fuck is happening

_Thurs, July 1, 4:12 PM_

 

 **STAN**  
ARE YOU MAD AT ME????  
DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG??  
WHATEVER IT IS I’M SORRY BRO  
COME BACK

_6:08 PM_

**STAN**  
Did you drop your phone in the toilet lol

_9:48 PM_

**STAN**  
WHAT DUD I FO??  
IM SORRYYM  
PLEASE DONT BR MAD

 

_Fri, July 2, 3:35 AM_

**STAN**  
KYLE

_9:00 AM_

**STAN**  
Fuck  
Where are you  
Seriously what the fuck  
Kenny and me are both freaking out dude  
Call us  
Please

_10:15 AM_

**STAN**  
WE’RE THIS CLOSE TO FLYIN TO CONENTICUT TO FIND YOU  
THIS  
CLOSE

_10:22 AM_

**STAN**  
FUCK WE DON'T KNOW WEHRE YOU WORK  
WTF KYLE  
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE SO SECRETIVE AND SHIT

_1:19 PM_

**STAN**  
WE’RE ALLING HTE COPS

_3:52 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
Pelase

_5:11 PM_

Kyle  
_calling…_

Kyle  
_0:01_

“Hello?”

It takes a second for Stan to register that someone answered the phone. He tenses up, his fingers curling tighter around his phone as if afraid something will suddenly snatches it from him, while his idle hand frantically reaches out for Kenny’s sleeve. He takes a breath. His voice croaks at his first attempt to speak and he has to clear his throat to sound like an actual human. Next to him, Kenny mouths something about putting the call on speaker.

“Hel - Kyle?”

“No,” the line answers, and Stan’s heart plummets to the pit of his stomach before the voice on the other end even goes on. “This is his mother, Sheila. Who’s this?”

“Uh - hi - ma’am, uh, I’m - Stan?” At Kenny’s persistent urge, Stan lowers the phone and switches on the speaker. “Is Kyle around?”

“Stan who?” Sheila either deliberately dodges the question or doesn’t care to share that information with someone she doesn’t know. “Are you one of his coworkers? He’s never mentioned a Stan to me before.”

“Ouch,” Kenny mouths, placing his hand over his heart in mock sympathy.

Furrowing his brows and bearing the sting of Sheila’s words, Stan says, “No - Uh, I’m a friend - Look, ma’am, can I just talk to Kyle please? I haven't heard from him and - I’m - I’m worried.”

“No, I’m afraid not,” Sheila answers without hesitation. “Kyle can’t come to the phone right now. He needs his rest.”

“What do you mean?” Stan holds the phone up closer to his mouth like that will answer his question. He shares a gaze with Kenny. “Is he okay?”

“Mom?” A second voice, brimming with exhaustion, sounds from the background. Stan’s chest tightens; it takes every ounce of his self-control to not scream Kyle’s name to get his attention. “Is that my phone?”

Though muffled by presumably her hand over the mic, Sheila’s voice is still clear enough. “Honey, get back to bed, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Who is it?” Kyle asks distantly.

Stan jitters anxiously and bites at a loose flap of skin on his lip. “Uh, hey, excuse me - can I talk to Kyle? Please?” He strains his ear as he tries to catch the curt and indistinct exchange between mother and son. “Ma’am, please, can I just for a sec?”

“I’m sorry, no. Thank you for calling,” Sheila says, and Stan thinks he can hear the sound of a door closing nearby.

“Wait - wait - wait!” Stan stands up, as if he can physically stop Sheila from hanging up on him. “Is he okay? That’s all I wanna know.”

“Kyle will be all right. Oh, by the way,” Sheila goes on, her tone actualizing the mental image Stan’s created of her based on what he knows through Kyle. “If you’re the same Stan that’s been sending all those messages, shame on you, young man. I hope you clear up your language. I don’t appreciate Kyle being forced to deal with your foul mouth.”

“Uh - what the ff---” Stan stops shortly only thanks to Kenny’s stern shake of the head. “Okay, ma’am, I’ll - keep that in mind.”

“Uh-huh, you have a good evening now,” Sheila says. Then the line goes dead.

Stan draws a deep breath, hoping the air will smother out the anger spiraling inside him. He glares at the black screen of his phone and knows that despite his hardest wish, it isn’t going to light up with a text from Kyle anytime soon. He turns to the sound of Kenny flumping onto the bed and the frame whining under the weight.

“Dude,” Stan says, “I fucking hate Kyle’s mom.”

 

_Sat, July 3, 10:08 AM_

**KYLE**  
Hey, dude.  
**STAN**  
KYELYO URE BACK  
WHAT EH FUK  
**KYLE**  
Watch the typos.  
**STAN**  
FUCK HTYPO  
WHAT TEH FHE HAPPENED  
Dude what happened?  
I called and your mom wouldn’t let me talk to you!!!!!  
She just said you were fine but like what even happened?  
ANSWER ME NOW  
**KYLE**  
I know. I heard.  
Can you calm down?  
**STAN**  
NO  
I scared  
**KYLE**  
Me sorry.  
**STAN**  
SFUCK  
SHUT UP  
I ****WAS***** SCARED  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to worry you.  
Everything just happened kind of too quickly.  
**STAN**  
SO WHAT HAPPENED?????  
**KYLE**  
I fainted.  
**STAN**  
WHAT  
WHT  
HOW  
**KYLE**  
Well, fainting is usually caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain.  
**STAN**  
KLYE  
STOP  
I’m serious  
What happened? Why did you faint?  
**KYLE**  
Low blood sugar, primarily.  
**STAN**  
????  
**KYLE**  
Well, you know with how busy I’ve been, I was skipping meal and not getting enough sleep.  
It’s not a big deal, actually. I feel fine now.  
My mom is just making a fuss over it. She flew in the same night and basically put me under house arrest.  
**STAN**  
Fuck  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine.  
**STAN**  
No it’s not  
You FAINTED  
People just don’t just faint  
That’s like some serious shit  
Fuck  
This is my fault  
I should’ve known  
I shoul’ve said something when you said you didn’t eat lunch yet  
FUCK  
I should’ve been looking out for you but I got too caught up in my own shit  
FUCK I’m sorry bro  
**KYLE**  
It’s not your fault. You aren't responsible for me.  
**STAN**  
FUCK  
I still should've looked out for you  
I was scared shitless dude  
I thought you wer oissed at me  
**KYLE**  
I wasn't oissed at you. Whatever that means.  
**STAN**  
PISSED****  
I honestly hope you were tbh now  
That would be better than hearing this  
**KYLE**  
I would’ve gotten in touch sooner, but well, you know how that went.  
I hope my mom didn’t put you off too much.  
**STAN**  
uHHHHHH  
My mom always told me  
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything  
But  
Fuck  
That  
Noise  
YOUR MOM IS SO MEAN  
SHE WOULDN’T LEMME TALK TO YOU  
AND SHE TOLD ME TO WATCH MY MOUTH  
LIKE WTf??  
**KYLE**  
Oh yeah, she told me that. She didn’t like the way you text.  
I don’t blame her.  
**STAN**  
WHAT THE FUCK???  
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WAY I TEXT?  
**KYLE**  
Are you seriously asking?  
**STAN**  
YES?????????  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure?  
**STAN**  
BRING IT BRO???  
??????  
**KYLE**  
It’s obnoxious.  
**STAN**  
WOW  
**KYLE**  
Maybe it’s hard for you to comprehend. Maybe it’s easier if I show you.  
**STAN**  
Huh????  
**KYLE**  
YOU ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS???  
You end sentences with a bunch of question marks??  
Even if it’s like a statement  
What are you so unsure about???  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
WTF  
**KYLE**  
And for some reason  
You break off sentences  
That don’t really need to break off into new texts??  
**STAN**  
I just press enter too quickly!!!  
And who wanna read a whole chunk of texts anyways??  
**KYLE**  
YEAH BUT IT’S LIKE  
Really weird dude  
And like hard to read and stuff???  
And why do you CAP SO MUCH ON RANDOM WORDS  
IT’S ALL SO  
UNNECESSARY????  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
EXCUSE ME FOR NOT BEING A TEXT PERFECT LIKE YOU  
**KYLE**  
OMG  
BRO  
C’MON  
THAT HURTS ME  
RIGHT HERE  
**STAN**  
LMAO FUCK OFF  
**KYLE**  
BRO :’(  
C’MON  
DON’T BE LIKE THAT  
WANNA HUG IT OUT??  
**STAN**  
Oh okay now you’re just making fun of me :T  
**KYLE**  
NAH NO WAY  
YOU’RE MY BEST BRO  
I WOULDN’T DO THAT TO YOU  
**STAN**  
PFFT  
WHATEVER like you’re any better at texting???  
**KYLE**  
WHAT ?? ? ?  
**STAN**  
Oooh look at me I’m Kyle  
I had a 10.0 GPA and I like the oxford comma and using punctuation like a fucking robot nerd  
BEEP BOO BEEP  
**KYLE**  
UMMM WOW  
Bro you can’t even like do a good impression of me  
I’m so like  
Hurt  
So sad  
:(  
:(  
:(  
:(  
**STAN**  
ALL RIGHT FINE I GET IT  
LMAO  
STOP TALKING LIKE THAT  
ITS WEIRDING ME OUT  
**KYLE**  
But like do you get the picture now ???  
**STAN**  
Yes!!! I got the picture!!!  
**KYLE**  
Good. Thank God.  
I think typing like that took ten years off my life.  
**STAN**  
Dude that’s just how I always text  
I’m not gonna be able to change it up like overnight  
**KYLE**  
I didn’t say I don’t like it.  
**STAN**  
K now I’m confused  
**KYLE**  
Of course you are.  
**STAN**  
You didn’t say all that stuff cuz you want me to change??  
**KYLE**  
No. I don’t mind it, to be honest.  
It’s part of who you are. However obnoxious it might be.  
**STAN**  
:D  
I can try to tone stuff down tho  
Like it really bugs you or whatever  
**KYLE**  
It doesn’t, but thanks for offering.  
And for the record, my mom’s not mean.  
**STAN**  
Bro  
She totally is  
And now I know where you get it from  
**KYLE**  
I’m not mean.  
**STAN**  
Bro  
Bro  
Bro… you totally are  
**KYLE**  
I'm out.  
**STAN**  
KYLEEE NO  
WAIT  
You’re ok?  
Serious talk  
You’re gonna be fine right?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I’ll be fine.  
The doctor didn't even give me anything.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Glad having you back bro!!  
**KYLE**  
Glad to be back.  
I'm feeling kind of tired so I'm going to take a break.  
I'll talk to you in a few hours.  
**STAN**  
Kk rest up!!  
I'll be waiting :)

 

_Sun, July 4, 11:10 AM_

**STAN**  
WAIT HOLD UP  
HOW COME YOU DIDN’T TELL YOUR MOM ABOUT ME??  
**KYLE**  
Happy July 4th to you too.  
**STAN**  
Oh shit lol  
HAPPY JULY 4TH BRO  
Now answer me  
**KYLE**  
To protect you, obviously.  
**STAN**  
Bro  
Feels FILLING UP  
Here  
THERE  
EVERYWHERE  
OVERFLOWING  
I’M DIE  
**KYLE**  
And now I regret coming back.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
WAIT  
What do you mean protect me tho  
**KYLE**  
She would’ve asked too many questions about you if she knew you exist.  
It’s easier to keep you out of the picture.  
Well, it was. She already grilled me about you.  
**STAN**  
What did you tell her? :0  
**KYLE**  
Nothing much. I tried to dodge them as best as I could.  
If she knew how we met, I don’t want to imagine what she would do.  
**STAN**  
Rip my dick off with her hand?  
**KYLE**  
More like make you rip your own dick off.  
**STAN**  
Did I fuck up?  
Calling you?  
I’m sorry dude  
I was just really freaking out and idk I just needed to do whatever i could to talk to you  
**KYLE**  
Don’t worry about it.  
Would you have really flown here if you didn't hear from me?  
**STAN**  
lol ofc yeah!!! Kenny was looking up ticket price  
Dude it's actually not too bad to fly over there  
We can totally visit you some day if we save up  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, maybe. That sounds good.  
**STAN**  
:O!!!!  
For real?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
For realsie???  
**KYLE**  
For realsie.  
**STAN**  
Who are you  
And what have you done with Kyle???  
**KYLE**  
You're both my friends. I feel bad about what happened. Consider this my making it up to you.

_11:30 AM_

**STAN**  
WE CAN COME NEXT WEEK  
**KYLE**  
Okay, not that soon...  
My mom will still be here too.  
**STAN**  
Aww fuck  
I hope she didn’t give you any more shit cuz of me  
**KYLE**  
The hard part will be how to sate her curiosity about you.  
**STAN**  
She’s probably not gonna like it if we say we met on the internet or something huh  
How about tell her we met in school???  
**KYLE**  
No, not a good idea.  
She would want to know what was your major, what classes you took, what kind of people you were friends with, where you lived, did you commute to school, what are your parents’ alma mater, how did we end up as friends if we had different major... to name a few.  
It will require a very elaborate and intricate lie.  
**STAN**  
Alright don’t worry we got this  
We just gotta sit down and come up with a really fucking cool story  
Our fake origin story  
**KYLE**  
I don’t like where this is going.  
**STAN**  
Alright listen to this  
It was the year 1997  
Two young boys living in the quiet town of South Park Colorado  
One a future Bronco quarterback with dashing good looks and bombass talent  
The other...  
Hey what do you wanna be?  
**KYLE**  
Not reading this.  
**STAN**  
C’MON  
We gotta write this together then remember all the details  
What do you call that shit?  
**KYLE**  
A collaborative lie?  
**STAN**  
YES THAT SHIT  
We gotta get that shit down  
So if your mom asks we won’t fall apart  
So what do you wanna be??  
**KYLE**  
In our fake origin story?  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
**KYLE**  
A dolphin.  
**STAN**  
dude lol be cereal rn  
**KYLE**  
I am.  
Imagine how more interesting and touching the story would be if it were about a boy and a dolphin.  
**STAN**  
KY LR  
**KYLE**  
Fine.  
I want to be a future Denver Nugget point guard.  
**STAN**  
Dude!!! AWESOME!!  
Two boys united by their shared love for sports!  
Teaming up against the evils of the world!  
This is the story of how they became the best of friends  
This is their legend  
We need a theme song!!  
**KYLE**  
No, we don’t.  
**STAN**  
Uh yes we do bro  
I will write us one  
**KYLE**  
Do you even know how to write music?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude!  
Did I never mention that??  
**KYLE**  
I would’ve remembered if you did.  
**STAN**  
Oh shit I guess I never did :0  
I don't really talk about it much tbh either way  
But yeah I play the guitar and uhhhh I wrote some songs before  
Like in high school I did this song for an anti bullying campaign  
Picked it up from my dad mostly  
He writes stuff on his free time  
**KYLE**  
Since you brought up your dad and music, there's something I’ve been wanting to ask…  
**STAN**  
Sup?  
**KYLE**  
Why do you think your dad is Lorde?  
**STAN**  
HALDF;A JF  
OMG  
I FORGOT I TOLD YOU THAT  
LMAO  
SHHHH  
IT’S A SECRET K  
**KYLE**  
Is he… really Lorde?  
**STAN**  
SHHHH  
I JUST SAID IT’S A SECRET  
**KYLE**  
I don’t understand.  
**STAN**  
Lmao  
He’s Lorde  
It’s not that complicated idk  
Sometimes he’s Randy  
Sometimes he’s Lorde  
Always he’s an asshole  
I guess you can’t change that no matter what lol  
**KYLE**  
I don't know what he does as Randy, but he's doing a lot of good as Lorde.  
He inspires a lot of young girls.  
**STAN**  
I don't need him to inspire girls  
I need him to be a dad  
My dad  
But whatever ANYWAYS I don't wanna talk about that fucker  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry to have brought him up.  
**STAN**  
Nah it's cool dude  
Nothing you can do about shitty family huh  
**KYLE**  
I guess not.  
**STAN**  
Hey the guys and me are gonna head out to the parade  
I’ll snap you cool stuff I see  
**KYLE**  
All right. Be safe.  
**STAN**  
You too man!!

 

_Tues, July 6, 5:48 AM_

**STAN**  
Did you eat breakfast  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I did.  
**STAN**  
And you have candy with you?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
I heard juice is really good too if you need a sugar spike  
So you should get some like grape juice or something and keep it at your desk  
**KYLE**  
I know. The doctor said the same.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
So you're gonna get some right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, I'm going to get some.  
Would you like me to report my blood sugar level to you every hour?  
**STAN**  
Oh yeah!! Do that  
**KYLE**  
… I can't.  
**STAN**  
Why not????  
**KYLE**  
It's too much work.  
**STAN**  
You can't just like get it from an app??  
**KYLE**  
I don't think you know how blood sugar is taken.  
In any case, you really don't have to do this.  
I can take care of myself.  
**STAN**  
UHH LOL YEAH RIGHT  
You wouldn't get sick or FAINT if you did !!!  
**KYLE**  
People get sick. It happens. You can't stop that.  
**STAN**  
I can damn well try  
**KYLE**  
You're impossible.  
**STAN**  
Nothing is impossible!!  
**KYLE**  
Apparently not to you.  
Go back to bed or you’re going to fall asleep in the store room again.  
We can talk later.  
**STAN**  
That never happened k  
I just closed my eyes for a sec  
I was not asleep  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, sure.  
**STAN**  
I can’t believe you would believe Kenny over my word!!  
**KYLE**  
Go the fuck back to sleep.  
**STAN**  
OK OK  
I'll check in on you at lunch!  
Remember to eat !!!

_10:03 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey hey it's lunch time!  
**KYLE**  
My lunch hour starts at 12:30.  
**STAN**  
Oh oops

_10:37 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey hey it's lunch time!!  
What are you eating?  
**KYLE**  
Food.  
**STAN**  
:T  
**KYLE**  
Check your snap.  
**STAN**  
Real mature  
That's just a pix of your middle finger  
**KYLE**  
Check it again.  
**STAN**  
Eat all of it ok????  
And then remember to snack throughout the day  
I read that helps  
**KYLE**  
I will if I have time to eat.  
**STAN**  
Bro  
I been trying not to say it but like I can't hold it back anymore  
**KYLE**  
What is it?  
**STAN**  
You aren't gonna wanna hear it but I just need to say my piece  
And if that pisses you off it's fine cuz I think you need to hear it  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
This would never happen if you took the San Francisco job  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I know.  
**STAN**  
OK WTF  
DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU FAINTED???  
Did they scan your brain??  
You're agreeing with me???!?  
**KYLE**  
Because you're right. This would've never happened if I went to San Francisco.  
I would be living in a different branch of reality.  
**STAN**  
Where people aren't being assholes and treating you like shit  
**KYLE**  
Where I might actually enjoy my job, instead of hating every second I am here.  
**STAN**  
Bro  
Quit  
This is the perfect chance!  
I know you don't wanna look like a loser but you legit can just say you have a health thing and need to take off  
**KYLE**  
So tempting.  
**STAN**  
Do it  
Just do it  
You can call up the San Francisco people  
See if they'll give you a chance??  
Or hell you're smart you can find another job anywhere in a sec  
**KYLE**  
You know I can't do that.  
**STAN**  
No  
I know you can  
You just don't wanna :x  
**KYLE**  
It's not that simple.  
Besides, I can't just leave. Not until I finish up this project and rub it in and wipe that smug smile off their face.  
That's my fuck-you to them.  
**STAN**  
Yes that would be awesome  
But you know you're being hella stubborn  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
**STAN**  
It's ok to back out shit you know  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
**STAN**  
I hope you do :\  
**KYLE**  
I'll think about it.  
I promise.

 

_Wed, July 7, 7:07 PM_

**KYLE**  
If you move English to 2:40 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can take Psych at 12:10. That way, you can have Fridays off.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but dude I'll be in class from 8 to 6 on Tuesday and Thursday ! That's super looooooong  
**KYLE**  
Well, it's up to you. It's what I would do.  
**STAN**  
Having three day weekend would be hella cool tho  
And I can work a full shift on Fridays too  
That's more hours than what Gary and I came up  
**KYLE**  
How's that going?  
**STAN**  
Hmm?  
**KYLE**  
With Gary.  
You haven't mentioned him in a while.  
**STAN**  
Oh lol  
Kenny told me to dial it down  
I guess I was talking way too much about him and everyone started to get annoyed lol  
I was just super excited geez!!  
MY FIRST BOYFRIEND  
But it's going great !  
He's coming here next weekend  
It sucks he's all the way in Boulder so we don't get to see each other too much :(  
But it's cool  
We talk on the phone a lot  
**KYLE**  
I know I didn't sound like that last time, but I really am happy for you.  
I hope he's treating you well.  
**STAN**  
He is!! He's super nice  
I feel pretty chill around him you know what I mean?  
No pressure  
It's easy  
I like it  
**KYLE**  
That's good to hear.  
I would kick his ass if he does you wrong.  
**STAN**  
!!!!! BRO  
**KYLE**  
I mean it.  
He breaks your heart, I break his spine.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
IM FOR REAL STARTING TO THINK YOU AREN'T KYLE LOL  
So violence  
Much scared  
**KYLE**  
I'm just saying.  
**STAN**  
Thanks for looking out for me dude :’)  
**KYLE**  
Of course.  
If he's going to take you from me, he better be worth it.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
YOU ARE JELL !!!!!  
I KNOW IT  
**KYLE**  
I am. I admit it.  
**STAN**  
Awwww BRO  
Don't worry about it  
YOU'RE MY NUMBER ONE  
Even if I don't talk to you all the time you're still my best bro  
[Voice message: _Never gonna give you UP! Never gonna let you DOWN! Never gonna run around and DESERT you!_ ]  
**KYLE**  
What is that? Is that a voice message?  
What did you send me?  
**STAN**  
Listen to it  
**KYLE**  
No. I don't want to.  
**STAN**  
LISTEEEEN TO IT  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
C’MON  
It's nothing bad  
I promise 0:)

_7:21 PM_

**KYLE**  
Oh fuck YOU.  
How could you?  
You're a fucking troll.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh nooooo  
It's not rick rolling if I meant it  
**KYLE**  
It still counts.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
But now we're even again!  
**KYLE**  
What do you mean?  
**STAN**  
I heard your voice and now you heard me!  
**KYLE**  
You heard my voice?  
Oh, from my voice mail?  
**STAN**  
Yeah!! And a little bit when I called  
I heard you talking in the back  
You sounded super sick tho  
**KYLE**  
Hmm.  
I guess we’re even then.  
**STAN**  
Well  
Not true even  
I still don't know what you look like  
Sooooooo….  
**KYLE**  
Yeah… and I guess you haven't seen my dick either.  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
Nah bro I'm good without that XD  
**KYLE**  
[image]  
Here.  
My selfie that you've been begging for.

_7:33 PM_

**KYLE**  
Can you say something?  
This is making me nervous.  
**STAN**  
Shit sorry !!  
I had to go kick kenny's ass  
Bastard tried to drink my almond milk  
Holy shit  
Is that really you??  
**KYLE**  
No, it's a picture of a clown I pulled off Google.  
**STAN**  
You look like shit bro  
**KYLE**  
Wow. Thanks.  
**STAN**  
SHIT NO NOT LIKE THAT. I MEAN LIKE  
You still look really tired and burnt out :\  
**KYLE**  
I’m getting better.  
**STAN**  
I can't believe you finally showed me your pix :D  
It just took 4 FUCKING MONTHS  
Dude your hair  
**KYLE**  
Shut up.  
Don't talk about my hair.  
**STAN**  
!! I was just gonna say it looks pretty cool  
**KYLE**  
Oh, really?  
**STAN**  
Ya rly  
**KYLE**  
Thank you. I don’t usually get complimented on my hair.  
Now that you've seen my face, will you finally leave me alone?  
**STAN**  
Uh  
No  
Way  
Kyle bro  
I'm never  
Gonna  
**KYLE**  
NO, DON’T.  
**STAN**  
GIVE YOU UP  
**KYLE**  
SHUT UP.  
**STAN**  
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN  
NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND  
**KYLE**  
BLOCKED.  
**STAN**  
AND DESERT YOU  
NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY  
NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE  
**KYLE**  
BYE.  
**STAN**  
Never gonna TELL A LIE  
AND HURT YOU

_8:01 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude?  
**KYLE**  
What.  
**STAN**  
I really can come visit you?  
**KYLE**  
Yes. I'd like that.  
**STAN**  
Sweet  
I'm gonna make it happen


	11. kyle can has cheezburger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The theme of this update is regret. As in I regret everything.

_Fri, July 9, 5:46 AM_

**KYLE**  
[[image](http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NzUwWDEwMDA=/z/ZPAAAOSwg3FUhMwz/%24_72.JPG)]  
**STAN**  
DO  
G  
SOG  
DOG  
**KYLE**  
Yes, it's a dog.  
**STAN**  
OMG  
OMG  
WHAT A GOOD BOY!!!!  
**KYLE**  
How can you even tell it's a boy?  
Or that it’s good.  
**STAN**  
I just can  
I know rheee things  
These*  
WAIT DID YOU GET A DOG WITHOUT TELLING ME  
?????  
**KYLE**  
No, I just found him in the yard.  
There's no collar, so I think he's a stray.  
He might have wandered in through the fence.  
I’m not sure.  
**STAN**  
Keep him  
**KYLE**  
I'm not doing that.  
**STAN**  
Keep  
Him  
Look at him  
Look at the pup pup!!  
**KYLE**  
We can't keep him.  
**STAN**  
YOU MONSTER  
**KYLE**  
Even if I wanted to, and I'm not saying I do, it's not my call.  
My aunt and uncle would have to say yes. And I'm pretty sure my cousin is allergic.  
**STAN**  
So???  
**KYLE**  
… He's allergic.  
**STAN**  
To WHAT  
LOVE??  
AFFECTION??  
HAPPYNESS?  
**KYLE**  
That's not how you spell happiness.  
**STAN**  
WHAT WOULD A HEARTLESS BASTARD LIKE YOU KNOW ABOUT SPELLING HAPPINESS  
**KYLE**  
Will you cut it out?  
**STAN**  
He's homeless!! He has no family!!!  
YOU ARE GONNA LEAVE HIM TO DIE???  
**KYLE**  
No! He’s not going to die!  
I'm going to take him to the animal shelter.  
He’ll find a good home.  
I hope.  
**STAN**  
He found a home  
Yours  
Look animals know these stuff you know?  
**KYLE**  
What do you mean?  
**STAN**  
They know where to find good people and where's a good place to stay  
It's like in their instinct and stuff  
Just think dude  
How many houses are in your neighborhood?  
Out of all the yards he could've hung out in  
He picked yours dude  
He could've been anywhere next door or down the block  
But no he chose you  
**KYLE**  
Because he knows…?  
**STAN**  
Yup  
**KYLE**  
Right…  
That barely makes any sense.  
**STAN**  
Call it whatever you want bro  
Destiny  
Fate  
Universe working in mysterious ways  
Whatever  
He chose you  
And you're gonna turn your back on this poor defenseless ADORABLE PUPPY???  
HE NEEDS YOU KYLE  
**KYLE**  
I know you love dogs but do you have to guilt-trip me into keeping it?  
I might not even be a good owner.  
**STAN**  
PFFFTTTT  
Please  
PleEASE  
You fishing for compliments or something???  
Ofc you would be a good owner  
Keep him dude  
**KYLE**  
I can't.  
**STAN**  
YES YOU CAN  
**KYLE**  
Why are you so insistent?  
**STAN**  
Because  
I love him already  
**KYLE**  
How.  
**STAN**  
He looks like Sparky  
Like when he was a baby  
That’s exactly what he looked like  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
I'm sorry but like I said, it's not even my call.  
**STAN**  
Can't you try?? To convince them??  
**KYLE**  
I guess I can…  
But again, cousin, allergies.  
**STAN**  
Do it for the pup pup  
**KYLE**  
It's a lot to think about.  
I have to leave for work now so I'll deal with him if he's still here when I get back.  
**STAN**  
WAIT you're just leaving him????  
OUTSIDE???  
WHAT IF A COYOTE GETS HIM??  
**KYLE**  
I don't think there are coyotes here.  
**STAN**  
A HAWK  
BALD EAGLE  
ALIENS  
**KYLE**  
Ugh...  
Hold on.

_6:03 AM_

**KYLE**  
There, I put him in the storage shed. He has blankets, water, and some food.  
I'll get him when I'm home and I'll talk to my aunt and uncle.  
Okay? I have to go. I’m going to be late.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
Have a kickass day bro!!  
**KYLE**  
Thanks.  
**STAN**  
Or you could just keep him.  
**KYLE**  
We’ll see.

_4:22 PM_

**KYLE**  
Well…  
I guess we’re keeping him.  
**STAN**  
?????  
THE DIG  
DOG?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
EXPALIN  
**KYLE**  
Well, I kind of rephrased what you said. Then my uncle brought up the high kill rate in animal shelters so I guess… we're keeping him.  
**STAN**  
!!!!  
THIS IS THE KIND OF HAPPY ENDINGS THEY MAKE MOVIES ABOUT  
**KYLE**  
Well, I don't know if it's a happy ending yet.  
I've never had a dog before. I don't know where to start. I’ll have to read up on a lot.  
**STAN**  
Lucky for you you're friends with a dog whisperer! :D  
I'll teach you everything dude  
Where to give them kisses. Where behind the ear they like to pet. How to hug them  
Everything! I got you!  
Did you name him yet???  
**KYLE**  
Not yet. We only decided to keep him about 10 minutes ago.  
**STAN**  
I HAVE AN IDEA  
**KYLE**  
Why do I have a bad feeling about this…  
**STAN**  
ELWAY  
**KYLE**  
Yeah… No way.  
**STAN**  
Yes way  
**KYLE**  
I'm not naming the dog Elway.  
**STAN**  
Explain?????  
**KYLE**  
I don't even like John Elway that much.  
**STAN**  
THE FUCK  
THE  
FUCK YOU SAY  
**KYLE**  
Don't get me wrong; he's great.  
But I'm not going to name a dog after him.  
**STAN**  
AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH  
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE  
**KYLE**  
I'm just not as big of a Broncos fan as you are.  
**STAN**  
WHAT THE FUCK ASS SHIT  
SHUT YOUR MOUTH  
TRAITOR  
TRAITOR  
THE POWER OF ELWAY COMPELS YOU DEMON  
**KYLE**  
Cut it out, asshole.  
It's not a big deal.  
**STAN**  
ITS NOT A BIG DEAL??!??  
I can't even  
With you  
Go away  
Leave  
I need to be alone  
**KYLE**  
Fine, whatever. I should give him a bath anyway.  
He smells funny.  
**STAN**  
TAKE PIXES  
SHOW ME  
**KYLE**  
… I'm not showing you pictures of his bath.  
**STAN**  
FUCK YOU  
SHOW ME PUPPY BATH TIME  
**KYLE**  
No, you fucking sicko.  
**STAN**  
SHOW ME

 

_Sun, July 11, 1:35 AM_

**KYLE**  
You don't have to do it, you know.  
**STAN**  
I know but I wanna?  
Or like I feel like I should  
**KYLE**  
Right, but it's not obligatory.  
You don't have to come out. You don't owe anyone that.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know that and I mean I didn't think I was gonna do it so soon but like I don't wanna keep this inside me either you know?  
I mean I spent so long not knowing who I am and now I do and I don't wanna keep it a secret anymore  
This is me and this is the me I want everyone to see you know what I mean  
And I know it can all go to shit but I wanna do it  
I'm not ashamed or scared or anything  
This is me and I like this me so everyone else can suck it  
**KYLE**  
And I support you wholeheartedly.  
I hope it goes well.  
**STAN**  
Thanks dude!  
It's probably not even gonna be bad or like emotional lol  
You know mom is super cool and Shelly doesn't give a fuck about me anyways lol  
Omg dude when Craig came out his dad gave him like a 100 buck  
I hope that happens to me too lmao  
**KYLE**  
You hope Craig’s dad will give you a 100 dollars?  
**STAN**  
LMAO NO but that would be hella awesome!!  
It’s not like my dad is gonna  
Fuck that’s gonna suck balls  
**KYLE**  
Are you worried he won't accept you?  
**STAN**  
Nah  
I mean even if he doesn't I don't care  
I don't care what he thinks  
But I'm like more worried he's gonna like embarrassed me somehow  
Idk he has his ways  
**KYLE**  
Stay positive. LIke you said, it might not even go poorly.  
Let me know when you're going to do it, and if you need anything.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude fo sho  
Probably in a couple weeks when my dad and Shelly are back  
**KYLE**  
Being on tour must be draining for all of you.  
I read she had to cancel a show due to exhaustion.  
**STAN**  
Yeah well she brought it on herself  
Anyways forget about my dad  
What was it like for you? Was it hard??  
**KYLE**  
Not particularly. It went as well as I could've hoped.  
**STAN**  
Really? Your mom didn't flip her shit?  
**KYLE**  
No. She was very supportive and understanding.  
She still is.  
**STAN**  
For real?  
I kinda thought she would like throw you in a dungeon  
**KYLE**  
I know you have a conception of what my mom is like, and you're wrong. I was wrong too for a long time, but I think I'm starting to understand her better now.  
She might be controlling but she acts out of love. She loves me. Unconditionally.  
I think that's why I've always done what she asks of me, even if at times I've resented her for it.  
That's how I show her that I love her too.  
It's hard sometimes, but I don't doubt that she wants what she believes is best for me, and I think I should be thankful for that.  
**STAN**  
Omg dude  
What the fuck  
**KYLE**  
What? What’s wrong?  
**STAN**  
Why didn't they scan your brain after you fainted???  
I'm really worried you hit your head like way too hard!!!  
**KYLE**  
What are you talking about?  
**STAN**  
You're like talking about stuff  
LIKE SHARING AND STUFF  
YOU'RE SHARING WITH ME  
**KYLE**  
I've done that before.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but like I usually have to force it out of you  
But you're like telling me on your own right now  
It's so weird dude  
**KYLE**  
You're my best friend.  
Who else would I share it with?  
**STAN**  
IS THIS REAL LIFE  
DID I WAKE UP IN MIRRORVERSE  
KYLE CAN HAS FEELINGS??  
**KYLE**  
All right… I see I've made a mistake.  
**STAN**  
NO DUDE NO SORRY NO  
I WANT THIS  
Talk to me bro  
Tell me everything  
Anytime you need to vent or whatever I'm here  
You know that  
**KYLE**  
Well, since you offered…  
It has been exhausting bottling everything up.  
**STAN**  
LET IT GO  
I mean out  
What's up ??? What's going on??  
**KYLE**  
After what happened? Can you believe that? I actually fucking fainted from working too much.  
That's such a pointless reason. I feel like I'm a fucking bore.  
All I do is work. And I don't even like this damn job.  
I started to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Although to be completely honest, I guess I've always felt that way but I've never let it bother me before. But now, all these regrets are bubbling to the surface.  
For the first time, I'm acknowledging how empty I feel.  
It's upsetting.  
**STAN**  
Aww fuck dude :( I had no idea you feel like this  
It totally sucks a lot I get it but it doesn't have to be that way tho??  
You can do something different!!!  
It's not too late!!!  
**KYLE**  
Even if it's not too late, I can't get back the time I've lost.  
All my life, I've always played it safe because I’ve been too afraid to think for myself. I fucking hate it.  
I wish I've done more. I wish I've done something meaningful. Hell, I wish I've done something reckless. Like ending up in the back of a cop car or lost in a forest in Peru.  
I wish I've done something I can look back on and have proofs that I've lived.  
**STAN**  
Dude I'm sure you got tons of shit to show for too !!  
**KYLE**  
Name one.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh  
You graduated from college??  
**KYLE**  
So have millions of other people. That doesn't make me special.  
**STAN**  
Dude  
K  
God  
K stick with me here and listen cuz you're the one who's good with words and stuff  
Your special cuz of who you are like as a person not cuz of what you've done?? Does that make sense??  
And like yeah it sucks you didn't get to do much but it's like everyone has a different road and stuff??  
Just cuz you didn't do something someone else did doesn't mean your falling behind or whatever  
It's not a competition dude!  
It's like what you told me before  
It's about being happy and comfortable with yourself right? Everything else can come after  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
**STAN**  
Yeah?  
**KYLE**  
I'm not happy.  
**STAN**  
I KNOW BRO BUT ITS OK  
You got aomething to look forward to now!!!  
Go do what makes you happy  
Even if it's the little things idk like chugging a six pack or streaking down the street  
You start there and it adds up  
You just gotta do it  
**KYLE**  
You make it sound so simple.  
It's not.  
**STAN**  
But you don't gotta make it so hard either tho??  
You feel like you're missing out ? Then do SOMETHING! Anything !!  
I think you own yourself that  
*owe?  
Own?  
**KYLE**  
Owe.  
**STAN**  
And I think the first thing you gotta do is quit your job. I know you don't wanna hear but I really think you should  
That job is shit. It's making you so fucking miserable  
You can come back to south park ?  
Start over fresh and stuff  
**KYLE**  
That’d be nice. I don't really want to be here.  
**STAN**  
Just come home!!!  
We can make everything ok!!!  
**KYLE**  
Yeah. I think I'll feel better with you around.  
**STAN**  
Bro I'm here for you even if I'm like 1000 miles away  
**KYLE**  
Connecticut is actually almost 2,000 miles away from Colorado.  
A Google search could've told you that.  
**STAN**  
THX WIKI KYLE  
That's more like the Kyle I know  
Snarky and a better than you asshole  
**KYLE**  
There's more than one side to me, you know.  
**STAN**  
lol I know and I like all of them  
Well almost all of them :P  
Bro you're gonna be ok!!!  
You're tough  
You'll make it  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
Thanks for not ripping on me.  
That was awkward for me and very cringy. I don't know how you manage to spill your guts like that all the time without gagging.  
**STAN**  
WHOA HEY NOW  
Don't be a hater cuz I'm in touch with my feelings!!!  
**KYLE**  
Maybe you should stop touching them so much.  
**STAN**  
UH EYF  
Did I not just hear you say you want me aroun CUZ I make you feel better???  
**KYLE**  
I did, and I do mean it as well.  
Thank you.  
**STAN**  
Anytime!!!! You're always helping me through my shit! I wanna do the same for you  
You gonna be ok?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, I'll be fine.  
**STAN**  
It's like what Craig told me  
Life sucks sometimes but it'll pass  
**KYLE**  
That's comforting. Thanks, Stan.  
And you know, whenever you need something, I'm always here too.  
**STAN**  
:D  
WELLLLL  
There's something  
**KYLE**  
… I'm not showing you pictures of his bath.  
**STAN**  
I JUST WANNA SEE ONE  
JUST ONE PLEASE  
PLEASE I KNOW YOU TOOK SOME  
**KYLE**  
I didn't. I was busy bathing the dog.  
Even if I did, I would never let you see them.  
**STAN**  
W HY  
**KYLE**  
Because it's so weird.  
So very very weird.  
**STAN**  
UGHGHGGH  
Can you show me a pix of him eating then :D??  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
YOU BASTARD  
I HOPE A GIANT GUINEA PIG EATS YOU IN PERU  
**KYLE**  
I hope so too. At least then I won't have to deal with you anymore.  
**STAN**  
FUCK YOU GUINEA PIG SHIT

 

_Tues, July 13, 4:32 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey!!! Are you still at the vet?? Did everything check out for Elway ?  
**KYLE**  
His name is not Elway.  
The vet said he seems healthy but we won't get his test results until a couple of days.  
**STAN**  
:D He’s gonna check out fine. He looks like a strong puppy!  
**KYLE**  
He’s getting his shots right now. He doesn’t like it.  
**STAN**  
POOR BABY IS HE CRYING  
**KYLE**  
A little bit, yeah. He’s yelping.  
**STAN**  
HOLD his paw??  
**KYLE**  
… No?  
**STAN**  
KYLE HOLD HIS PAW  
**KYLE**  
I would get in the way.  
**STAN**  
Elway would've wanted you to  
**KYLE**  
God. His name is not Elway!  
**STAN**  
Then what is it?  
**KYLE**  
I’m still deciding.  
**STAN**  
Just call him Elway??  
You don't even gotta think about it anymore  
Done  
Taken care of  
**KYLE**  
No. If you come up with another name, I'll consider it but I'm not going with Elway.  
**STAN**  
Elway Jr.  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
El Way  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Yawle  
**KYLE**  
No! Fuck off.  
**STAN**  
F I NE  
How about...........................  
Stanley?  
**KYLE**  
Over my dead body.  
Give a sec. I have to pay.  
**STAN**  
OMG DUDE  
WAIT FOR IT  
WAIT  
FOR IT  
Elway Stanley  
Has a nice ring to it right ???  
It's pERFECT  
That's like a rockstar name for a dog

_4:46 PM_

**KYLE**  
Hey, there's a bird here.  
**STAN**  
At the vet??  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, look.  
[image: Kyle flipping off the camera]  
**STAN**  
Oh haha  
Funny  
OH OH OH  
I SEE HIM IN THE BACK!!  
WHY HE LOOKS SO SAD  
**KYLE**  
Probably because some asshole thinks his name should be Elway Stanley.  
**STAN**  
Why don't you let him decide if he likes it or not!!!  
**KYLE**  
How.  
**STAN**  
Ask him duh  
Say it and see if he reacts  
**KYLE**  
You'll never hear me utter that name out loud. Ever.  
**STAN**  
I bet you you will  >:]  
**KYLE**  
Never.

 

_Wed, July 14, 9:38 PM_

**STAN**  
You sure 3 days is enough?  
**KYLE**  
It should be. You aren't much for sight-seeing, are you?  
**STAN**  
Nah you don't gotta take me around and stuff  
We can just hang out at your place and chill  
I don't wanna spend money  
I'm just gonna mooch off you lol  
But you sure 3 days is good??  
**KYLE**  
Yes. You might get sick of me on day 1.  
**STAN**  
LMAO true true  
The other 2 days would be hell then  
**KYLE**  
Exactly.  
In any case, I'll be back for Thanksgiving. We can hang out again if we don't hate each other’s guts by then.  
**STAN**  
Oh cool !!  
You have to come over dude  
**KYLE**  
I will. Kenny already invited me.  
**STAN**  
WTf  
He didn't tell me !  
**KYLE**  
He said you'd be okay with it.  
**STAN**  
Lol yeah but still he should ask!  
Dude it's like he and Craig never ask me about anything!  
Like for real they just bring people over or make plans all the time and don't lemme know!!  
Damn it how about some respect!  
**KYLE**  
Oh. Then you're probably not going to like that he asked me to stay over.  
**STAN**  
HHHHHEHH???????  
I mean I don't care that's cool with me but dude idk where you're gonna sleep lol  
There's no room  
You can take the couch I guess but heads up fyi Craig and Tweek did it on there I think more than once  
I don't even sit on it anymore lol I just pull a chair up from the kitchen  
**KYLE**  
Well, chances are I won't be able to spend the night either way, but thank you for letting me know. I'll be sure not to go near it.  
**STAN**  
You got it bro  
Seriously tho we febreeze it like hell but we just can't get it to feel clean again  
And coffee stain?? Can't get that out either  
**KYLE**  
Are you starting to regret living with them?  
**STAN**  
Nah when it's good it's good and still a lot of fun  
But like Tweek is here all the time I feel like he should start helping with the rent lol  
Anyways I think I got something!!! I'm just playing around with the dates to see when's the cheapest  
It's more flexible now since it's just me now you know  
**KYLE**  
Too bad Kenny can't come. That would've been awesome.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but you know money's tight for him  
He gotta take care of his sis and Marj on top of himself  
**KYLE**  
I hope he catches a break soon. He's such a good person.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I hope so too :\  
Alright the weekend is probably better right?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, but I bet it's pricier.  
**STAN**  
Yeah it isssssss  
See what I'm willing to do for you :P  
It's loading  
Processing  
Do do do  
[image: a screenshot of the flight confirmation]  
Done  
Done  
It's happening bro  
It IS HAPPENING  
**KYLE**  
Your last name is Marsh?  
**STAN**  
Yeah :0  
Wait shit you didn't know huh??  
**KYLE**  
No, you've never mentioned it.  
Now it makes sense that your handle is Marshwalker.  
**STAN**  
lol what did you think it was??  
**KYLE**  
I honestly thought you might have spelled marshmallow wrong.  
**STAN**  
Wtf???  
**KYLE**  
You're just not a very good speller.  
**STAN**  
That's why I don't play mages  
Cuz I'm bad with spells  
BA DUM TSSS  
**KYLE**  
…  
On second thought, maybe you shouldn't come.  
**STAN**  
NOPE TOO LATE  
You can't back out now  
I already booked the flight  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure you can get a refund.  
**STAN**  
Can't nope no can do  
UGHUGHHH  
October needs to come faster  
I get to meet you and ohSHIT and and  
I'm gonna get to see Elway  
**KYLE**  
His name is not Elway.  
**STAN**  
Sure it's not ;)  
I'm so STOKE  
I'm gonna give him SO MANY BELLY RUBS  
**KYLE**  
You stay the fuck away from the dog.  
**STAN**  
You can't keep him from me :D  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to bed.  
**STAN**  
K cool good night bro!!!  
Pet Elway for me!!  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
K cool kiss him for me then  
**KYLE**  
I'm not kissing the dog.  
**STAN**  
Kiss  
The  
Dog  
**KYLE**  
Leave me the fuck alone.  
**STAN**  
YOU SUCK

 

_Fri, July 16, 10:37 AM_

**STAN**  
Yo bro did you get lunch yet? I know you skipped breakfast this morning  
**KYLE**  
I’m eating now.  
And really, you can stop checking up on me. I have my mom doing that already.  
Besides, I feel fine.  
**STAN**  
I just wanna make sure!!!  
I don't want you to get sick again  
**KYLE**  
Contrary to what you might think, eating alone does not prevent illness.  
**STAN**  
K but like  
You still gotta eat tho  
You gotta stay healthy and stuff  
**KYLE**  
Thanks for the concern, but I’m not that fragile that I’ll topple over if I don’t eat one meal.  
**STAN**  
Alright bro except you totally did so???  
Hey speaking of eating  
What are you feeding Elway?  
Don’t go for the cheap brand k ?? you gotta feed him the good stuff

_10:38 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle ??

_10:42 AM_

**STAN**  
KYLE WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING HIM  
**KYLE**  
My hatred for you.  
**STAN**  
So you’re starving him cuz you don’t hate me at all right???  
But like seriously what are you feeding him?

_10:49 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle !!  
ANSWER ME!!!

 

_Sat, July 17, 12:07 AM_

**KYLE**  
I remember you.  
**STAN**  
???  
When did you forget me??? lol  
**KYLE**  
No. Listen.  
Oh God, this is weird.  
I remember you from pre-school.  
We were in Miss Claridge’s class together.  
Do you remember?  
**STAN**  
HOLY SHIT WHAT  
WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER?  
SERIOUSLY???  
**KYLE**  
I think so. It has to be you, right?  
I mean, how many Stan Marsh can there be in South Park?  
You always wore the same hat, didn't you?  
**STAN**  
SHIT YES!!!! With a red poof ball???  
That was my favorite hat!! I used to wear it all the time til I was like 5!!  
Holy fuuuuuck  
Dude  
This is blowing my mind  
Is this for real  
Fuck dude  
What the fuck  
**KYLE**  
I remember we used to play together a lot.  
**STAN**  
Firemen????  
**KYLE**  
Yes! Oh God, that was such a stupid game.  
I loved it though.  
**STAN**  
WAIT  
ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME WE USED TO BE FRIENDS???  
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK  
WHAT  
WHAT  
WHAT  
**KYLE**  
I can't believe it either. I guess it's not that surprising.  
It is a very small town.  
**STAN**  
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU  
**KYLE**  
After we set Miss Claridge on fire, naturally my mom withdrew me from school.  
**STAN**  
You meant after Trent Boyett set her on fire  
Cuz that's how I remember it if the cops ask  
**KYLE**  
Right. That's what I meant.  
After the accident, I was homeschooled ever since then.  
**STAN**  
Omg  
This can't be real  
Shit  
Fuck  
I forgot you  
I completely forgot you  
**KYLE**  
We were so young. It's not weird that we forgot.  
**STAN**  
Yeah but I still feel so bad dude  
Fuck I can't remember anything that far back  
I can't even remember what you used to look like  
Like everything is just a blur  
**KYLE**  
I wore a green hat a lot.  
**STAN**  
Ugh no  
I can't remember :(  
UGH DUDE IM SORRY  
My memories are shit  
Nothing is coming to me!!  
**KYLE**  
It's fine. To be honest, I kind of wished I didn't suddenly remember.  
I feel so cheated. I keep thinking if that hadn't happened, if I hadn't been pulled out of school, where could I have ended up?  
**STAN**  
We would stay friends!!!  
**KYLE**  
I could've been part of all the things you went through. My life could've been so different.  
I could've coached the pee wee hockey team with you.  
I could've gone Faith Hilling with you.  
I could've beaten Guitar Hero with you.  
I could've known who the hell was Chef and why he was so awesome.  
**STAN**  
WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALL  
**KYLE**  
God. I'm so fucking angry. I could've grown up to be so different.  
**STAN**  
Bro chill  
You rock the way you are now  
And we can make all that shit up  
Forget about what you missed let's talk about what we can do together  
You wanna go to Peru? I'm there  
We can fucking go to Mars dude  
I'm with you all the way  
**KYLE**  
I don't actually want to go to Peru, and it's going to take a few more decades before we can get to Mars.  
**STAN**  
And we’ll go there together when it happens!  
Look bro until we get to hang out with the Martians we got lots of shit we can do here!  
Everyday is gonna be an adventure when you're with me  
I guarantee it  
**KYLE**  
That actually sounds fun. Do you really mean that?  
**STAN**  
Hell yeah I do!  
But you know  
Like it would be lots easier if you were closer  
So  
You know  
Come home  
**KYLE**  
I wish I could.  
**STAN**  
But?  
**KYLE**  
That would be the easy way out.  
**STAN**  
And who would you be if you took the easy way out huh  
You're so fucking stubborn  
Even if you're feeling like shit you gonna keep at it until you break  
What's the fucking point dude?  
Why put yourself through that?  
**KYLE**  
Maybe I'm a masochist.  
**STAN**  
Whatever it is it's not helping you man  
It sucks seeing you like this  
I wish I could do something to make you happy bro!!!  
**KYLE**  
You've done plenty.  
**STAN**  
It doesn't feel enough :\  
**KYLE**  
I think this is something I have to do for myself.  
But thanks for the thought.  
I think I've ruined the mood for both of us.  
**STAN**  
Don't worry about it dude  
Cheer up!!  
**KYLE**  
What do you suggest?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Do something crazy?? Like something you always wanted but didn't cuz of whatever  
Do it  
**KYLE**  
Anything?  
**STAN**  
Yeah whatever you feel like dude!!  
YOLO  
**KYLE**  
All right.  
I guess I could try sexting Kenny. He did say the offer is always on the table.  
**STAN**  
no  
No  
Not that  
**KYLE**  
But you said I should do whatever I feel like.  
**STAN**  
NO  
NOT ALLOWED  
**KYLE**  
You can't stop me.  
**STAN**  
I WILL DUCKIJF TRY  
**KYLE**  
I'm going to do it. Stop getting in the way of my happiness.  
**STAN**  
NO  
STO  
SONT  
NOT THAT  
DOJT FUCKIG SEXT KENNY  
**KYLE**  
Why? He's so hot. I bet he could make me feel so good.  
**STAN**  
SHUT THE FUCK P  
I DOJT WANAN JEAR THUS  
WHERE THE FUCK IS HE  
ING IJNA KILL GIM  
**KYLE**  
Oh! He responded!  
**STAN**  
FUCK OFF FI’M GOING TO BREKA HIS PHONE  
**KYLE**  
I'll talk to you when we’re done.  
**STAN**  
NO KLE  
XOME ABACK  
DON’T DO TI  
KYLE!!!!!!

_1:12 AM_

**STAN**  
You didn’t really do it did you  
**KYLE**  
I didn’t.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
I mean it’s cool if you did  
If it made you happy and stuff  
**KYLE**  
You don’t sound very convincing.  
**STAN**  
Well i mean he’s seeing someone already you know  
Like even if they both don’t mind and they’re cool about it it’s still like  
Idk  
I don’t like it  
Thinking about that  
Idk well it doesn’t matter cuz you didn’t anyways !  
But like even if you did it’s cool tho  
Wev  
it’s none of my business  
**KYLE**  
I guess not.

 

_Sun, July 18, 11:35 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey you coming or what ?? ?  
The tournament is about to start !! I don’t see you on  
**KYLE**  
I know, sorry. I’ll be there in a minute.  
Elway peed on the trash can.  
**STAN**  
OMG LOLOLOLOLOL

_11:47 AM_

**KYLE**  
It's not funny. I've been trying to potty trained him but he's not listening.  
He's very stubborn.  
**STAN**  
LOLOLOLOL  
**KYLE**  
Stop fucking laughing. It's like the third time he's done it.  
**STAN**  
YOU CALLED HIM ELWAY  
**KYLE**  
Fuck.  
Goddamnit.  
No.  
**STAN**  
I TOLD YOU FUCKER  
I TOLD YA YOU WOULD DO IT  
ELWAY!!!!! :D  
**KYLE**  
Fuck. His name is not Elway!  
**STAN**  
JUst embrace it bro  
Let it happen  
It's meant to be  
Just call him Elway  
**KYLE**  
Fuck no. Shut up.  
**STAN**  
I could teach you how to train him  
There's a trick to it!  
**KYLE**  
I don't need your help.  
**STAN**  
C’mon!! Lemme help!!!  
We can be in this together!!  
**KYLE**  
No. Ugh. Forget it.  
He’s scratching the door. I think he wants to go out.  
I'm taking him for a walk before he shits on my bed.  
I’ll join up with you later.  
**STAN**  
:O!!  
**KYLE**  
NO PICTURES!  
**STAN**  
WHY WON'T YOU LEMME SEE HIM  
LEMME see Elway  
I WANNA SEE HIM  
**KYLE**  
What the fuck is wrong with you?  
**STAN**  
I just love him a lot :’)  
**KYLE**  
Yeah? Well, guess what?  
He doesn't even know you exist.  
**STAN**  
WOW  
Why would you even say that??)  
What did I ever do???  
**KYLE**  
You convinced me to take the dog in.  
**STAN**  
And look how much more awesome your life is now because of him  
Isn't it great to have something other than yourself to take care??  
To shower with love??  
If he were my dog I would smother him :D  
**KYLE**  
If you like Elway so much, why don’t you take him with you when you’re here?  
**STAN**  
Oops you did it again ;D  
**KYLE**  
Fuck.  
Shit.  
Goddamnit.  
Fine.  
Fine.  
Fuck.  
It's Elway. His name is Elway.  
**STAN**  
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
Pix? :O  
**KYLE**  
… Fine! Fine!  
I'll take pictures for you too!  
**STAN**  
You're making me  
A very happy man right now  
Actual tears in my eye :’)

_12:01 PM_

**KYLE**  
[image: a lump of Elway’s shit]  
**STAN**  
LMAO WTF DUDE  
FUCK YOU  
**KYLE**  
What? You didn't specify what kind of pictures.  
**STAN**  
I'm saving this as your contact pix  
So I can always remember what a piece of shit you are  
**KYLE**  
And you'll always be a dick in mine.  
**STAN**  
OMG  
LET THAT DIE  
SERIOUSLY  
IT STOPPED BEING FUNNY FOREVER AGO  
**KYLE**  
Not to me, it hasn't.  
**STAN**  
Stop looking at my dick you perv!!  
I have a boyfriend!!  
**KYLE**  
I know.  
Lucky him.  
**STAN**  
:D

_12:04 PM_

**KYLE**  
FUCK!  
**STAN**  
????  
**KYLE**  
FUCK!  
I was so distracted talking to you, I stepped in his shit!  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
LMAO  
**KYLE**  
FUCK!  
**STAN**  
LMAO  
KARMA  
**KYLE**  
I blame you.  
**STAN**  
How is this my fault?????? I didn't do anything???  
**KYLE**  
It's all because you wanted a picture. Otherwise I would've picked it up already.  
I fucking hate you.  
**STAN**  
LMAO this is all on you bro !!!  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. Just take the dog!  
**STAN**  
Nah no way dude!  
Elway is your baby  
**KYLE**  
I don’t want him.  
**STAN**  
Aww you don’t mean that :(  
He loves you!  
**KYLE**  
He just tried to pee on me.  
**STAN**  
LMAO HE LOVES YOU!!!!!!  
HE WANTS TO MAKE YOU HIS!!!  
**KYLE**  
Shut the fuck up! I can’t believe I’m missing the playoff to pick up dog shit!

_12:22 PM_

**STAN**  
OMFG KYLE  
**KYLE**  
What happened? Did you die already?  
**STAN**  
KENNY GOT ARRRESTED


	12. "not all men" you're right. kyle broflovksi would never do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you mean I spent NYE updating this instead of celebrating. (and what do you mean this kinda went nowhere?)

_Mon, July 19, 1:07 AM_

**KYLE**  
Hey. Did everyone make it home all right?  
**STAN**  
Hey dude yeah we did  
I’m so fucking exhausted  
I feel like my head’s gonna blow  
**KYLE**  
I can’t imagine what it’s like for you right now.  
I know it’ll be hard, but I hope you can get some rest.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I’m gonna try  
I’m gonna head home for a bit  
My parents’ place I mean  
Craig’s staying at Clyde’s  
We all kinda think it’s good to leave Kenny and Marj alone for a bit  
Give them space and privacy and stuff  
**KYLE**  
That’s not a bad idea.  
I’m sure they would appreciate some time alone together.  
Are you going to be all right?  
**STAN**  
Idk dude  
I really don't know  
It’s so fucked up  
Dude he could have ended up in jail  
Like  
In prison  
Like  
Fuck  
That was real  
That was fucking real  
**KYLE**  
I know. It’s fucking mind-blowing  
**STAN**  
Fuck  
I feel like I can’t breathe  
**KYLE**  
Don’t panic, okay? Stay calm.  
Kenny’s fine. He’s safe, and he’s home. It’s over.

_1:13 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan?  
**STAN**  
On the phone

_1:42 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey sorry about that  
Gary called  
I was telling him what happened  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine. Wasn’t he supposed to visit you this weekend?  
**STAN**  
Yeah but some last minute thing came up with his church so he couldn’t make it  
I’m gonna try to go see him next week or something before school starts  
Tbh Idk I’m kinda glad he didn’t end up coming  
I don’t want him getting caught up in this shitstorm  
Its fucking wild  
No matter how many times I talk about it i still can’t believe it happened  
Fuck it's all my fault  
**KYLE**  
No, it wasn’t.  
It couldn't be. You didn't know it was going to happen.  
**STAN**  
I should’ve gone with him  
But no I fucking wanted to stay home and play a fucking stupid tournament instead  
It never would have gone down that way if i was there  
**KYLE**  
What did Kenny do exactly? I asked him, but he isn’t answering.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I think he’s taking a nap right now. Couldn’t get any sleep when he was at the station  
And he’s still shook and pissed off probably  
But yeah ugh so like Marj went gone for the night and Kenny was gonna pick them up this morning right?  
*went home  
But like when he got there Stephen wouldn't let Marj leave the house cuz Marj was grounded??  
Cuz he didn't like what Marj was wearing???  
Fucking grade A BS right like wtf does it matter to him what Marj wears  
Stephen’s Marj’s dad btw  
**KYLE**  
I figure. Go on.  
**STAN**  
So yeah then idk tldr Kenny and him got into it  
Like he was trying tell Stephen to leave Marj the fuck alone and let Marj leave  
Idk how everything went to shit but Kenny ended up docking Stephen in the face  
*socking  
Then Linda called the police and yeah  
There was blood dude  
I think he broke his nose  
**KYLE**  
Oh my God. I can't imagine.  
**STAN**  
It shouldn’t have gone that bad  
But idk I guess it was just a lot of shit boiling over  
I mean Marj’s parents are fucking piece of shit everyone knows that and I guess Kenny finally couldn't take it and snapped  
But still fuck he shouldn't have done that  
It could've ended really bad  
If Stephen didn’t let it go he really could have been locked up  
Token said battery is like serious shit  
**KYLE**  
It is.  
I’m really glad that Marjorine’s dad didn't press charges.  
**STAN**  
Fuck me too  
That’s the thing with Kenny you know  
He’s like blood to me but fuck he’s so fucking stupid  
He thinks he gotta save everyone like he’s a fucking badass hero  
He thinks he’s invincible  
That shit won’t stick  
But looo what fucking happen  
**KYLE**  
His heart was in the right place, but I agree it wasn't the best move.  
Though I guess no one can blame him for protecting Marjorine.  
**STAN**  
I should’ve fucking been there with him  
I could've stopped him or whatever  
If he was really gone it's my fault  
What's gonna happen to Marj? And Karen?  
God I can't even thing about that  
I feel so sick right now  
**KYLE**  
You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know was going to happen.  
I know Kenny doesn't think any less of you. Even if, God forbids, he did end up in jail, he wouldn't think it was because of you.  
**STAN**  
He doesn’t gotta blame me  
I know it’s my fault  
**KYLE**  
No, it wasn’t. This fucking sucks but it didn't happen because of what you didn't do.  
Don't get caught up in the guilt.  
Yes, you weren’t there and maybe you could’ve been, but that’s over and done with. What you can do is be there for him in the present.  
God knows he probably needs it.  
**STAN**  
I don’t know what I should do  
**KYLE**  
Kenny will let you know if there's something he needs you to do.  
For now, you should go back to your parents’ place.  
Calm down. Get some rest.  
**STAN**  
Ok yeah that sounds good  
I’m probably gonna pass the fuck right out  
**KYLE**  
All right. Text me in the morning.  
**STAN**  
K yeah  
Hey before I go  
I know we both said it was a dumb move but for the record I probably woulda punched Stephen too  
**KYLE**  
For the record, I probably would've as well.

 

_Tues, July 20, 3:26 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
Dude  
DUDE  
**KYLE**  
What.  
**STAN**  
You aren't gonna believe who I ran into!!  
**KYLE**  
With the way your life is, I don't even want to venture a guess.  
**STAN**  
Wendy  
**KYLE**  
Wendy?  
**STAN**  
Wendy  
**KYLE**  
The Wendy? Again?  
**STAN**  
THE WENDY  
AGAIN  
**KYLE**  
7.4 billion people on earth, and you keep running into her.  
If that’s not destiny, I don’t know what is.  
**STAN**  
Oh shiiiiit  
The universe bringing my bae to me  
But listen get this  
She’s super awesome? Like omg  
She’s like Wonder Woman  
But like times over 9000  
**KYLE**  
You talked to her? Holy shit. I'm all ears.  
**STAN**  
Yeah!!!  
So like idk if you heard but there’s this new BBQ place that opened up at Shi Tpa Town and she and some other people were doing a protest outside  
The guys and I were walking by and she was like getting people to sign petition to shut down the place  
Honestly at first I was sure she didn’t even remember me or if she did she was gonna pretend she didn’t  
But then like she just came up to me and said hi and stuff and like shit she does remember me but she didn't say sorry or nothing for giving me a fake number  
Which is cool cuz I know she didn't own me for that  
But anyways we were mostly just talking about how fucking shitty and disgusting the BBQ place was  
She’s like an activist and she does really these cool stuff  
Like fighting against pollution and saving the whales!! And helping people and a whole lotta other stuff  
Even Craig thought she's cool and he never thinks anyone is cool  
**KYLE**  
I’m glad you had a chance to know her better  
It sounds like she's working for very good causes.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude me too totally!!  
I got her number  
Her real one lol  
And she’s gonna lemme know about stuff going on and I’m welcome to check them out  
I mean it was super cool joining the protest  
Like it was a very good thing we did for the animals  
**KYLE**  
The animals?  
**STAN**  
Yeah!!! Dude that BBQ place? They have a live ranch and you just go in the back and pick out which animal you wanna eat and they kill it right there?????  
It's FUCKED UP  
I mean i would never eat there in the first place but I didn't know they were doing that  
I saw baby cows in the back  
They were all chained up and SAD  
I wanna break them out  
Set them free  
Dude you think I can do that???  
**KYLE**  
You can, but it’ll be illegal.  
**STAN**  
No I meant like be an activist too?  
Like for animals  
I can't protect them all being a vet tech but idk if I was doing like activist stuff I can do more?  
**KYLE**  
I don't see why not. You can certainly be both.  
**STAN**  
Dude I’m like legit jealous of her  
She’s my age but she got all her shit together  
Like she’s so  
What’s the word  
Like she knows exactly what she wants in life and she’s going for it  
**KYLE**  
Driven?  
**STAN**  
Oh for sure  
Dude she’s done more in a day than I did my whole life  
I wanna do stuff too man  
Maybe I shouldn’t go back to school and just do this full time like Wendy does  
She said she’s like super busy all the time just non stop but it’s worth it  
Dude i wanna do something that’s worth it too  
**KYLE**  
I’m not against it, but I feel like school’s still a solid option.  
**STAN**  
I knew you were gonna say that lol  
ACKFUCK it starts in 2 weeks! I'm not ready  
**KYLE**  
I can sense you're trying to weasel out of it.  
**STAN**  
Such accusation!!!  
Hey I can get all my money back if I cancel right??  
But for reals though  
You don't gotta go to school if you wanna just do activism  
It’s where your heart is, not your alma mater  
Wendy’s words not mine  
**KYLE**  
Don't you dare. After everything we've been through, I'll twist off your left nut with my hand if you don't go back to school.  
**STAN**  
OH DAMN :O  
Angry Kyle is always so weird  
BUT HEY it's not like you ended up doing what you said you were gonna either  
So  
My left nut for your right one  
**KYLE**  
Leave my nut out of it.  
I'm working on it.  
**STAN**  
???????  
????  
How do I make these question marks bigger?????  
**KYLE**  
I don't think you can.  
**STAN**  
Damn  
Anyways  
????!!!!  
**KYLE**  
I didn't want to say anything in case it doesn't work out, but I have a video interview with that logistics company you told me before.  
**STAN**  
BUT  
BUT  
UT  
BUT  
THE COMPANY IS IN NORTH PARK  
YOU'RE COMING BACK HOME?????  
**KYLE**  
If it works out, yes.  
**STAN**  
BRB GOTTA GET MY MOM  
HAVE HER SCHMOOZE THE HUSBAND  
**KYLE**  
That's not necessary, and possibly not helpful.  
**STAN**  
Omg dude  
DUDE  
I'm so pump!!!!  
Omg  
This is like the best  
You're coming home  
And I found a new purpose  
This is the point in a movie where everything is finally to look up  
**KYLE**  
You do know what happens after that point, don't you?  
**STAN**  
Happily ever after????  
**KYLE**  
Oh no.  
**STAN**  
WELL WHO CARES  
In my version it's happily ever after  
Dude  
I'm so like ready to go  
**KYLE**  
Go where?  
**STAN**  
Be a better person and shit  
GIVE BACK!  
**KYLE**  
Who would've thought Wendy would've inspired you so much?  
**STAN**  
Lmao for real  
I feel like I own her a lot now  
*owe  
**KYLE**  
Do you?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude think about it!  
If I never met her  
I never woulda met you  
**KYLE**  
Huh.  
I guess I can't argue with that. In some strange cosmic way, she brought us together.  
**STAN**  
Lmao yeah exactly!  
I think you would like her if you met her  
**KYLE**  
I'm sure I will.  
**STAN**  
I'm gonna talk to Gary about it when I see him this weekend  
He'll probably be on board with it  
He's super supportive about stuff  
And dude! You gotta meet him too  
You'll like him too!  
**KYLE**  
Yeah. Maybe.

 

_Wed, July 21, 8:05 AM_

**KYLE**  
Okay, I have to ask… Is he serious?  
**STAN**  
He's serious  
**KYLE**  
Super cereal?  
**STAN**  
Seriously super cereal  
They're going down to city hall this afternoon  
To sign the papers and stuff  
They aren't even gonna have a wedding  
Just gonna sign and be done with it  
**KYLE**  
You don't sound exactly excited.  
**STAN**  
Ugh  
Idk dude  
I'm happy ofc I am  
Kenny and Marj are getting married!  
**KYLE**  
But?  
**STAN**  
But it's like  
Ugh fuck I know I'm an asshole for saying this but it came out of nowhere you know what I mean?  
I mean they been together for a couple years now but they NEVER talked about that kind of stuff  
And I just wonder like  
If they really really thought really really clearly about this you know?  
Like they aren’t just doing it for cuz of what happened the other night  
**KYLE**  
I know you have your reservation against marriage because of your parents, but I also know you’ll be supportive if Kenny and Marjorine want this to be their next step.  
**STAN**  
I know  
I know that dude  
I'm not saying they shouldn't get married cuz ofc they should be together!  
But  
**KYLE**  
What is it?  
**STAN**  
Like I mean I already said like they're the closest thing to true love  
But like  
Idk  
**KYLE**  
What about it are you against?  
**STAN**  
I just think we're still so young you know  
Like a lot of things can happen down the road and like  
What if they change their mind  
Like what if they realize this isn't what they want and they rushed into it cuz they THOUGHT this is what they want and they didn’t really think about it  
Like they just got caught up in the moment or something  
Of wanting  
Then what?  
**KYLE**  
That can happen to anyone. Feelings can change. If and when they do, it doesn't necessarily mean what two people share at a certain point of time isn't real.  
Changes don't negate the past.  
**STAN**  
I know that  
I get it ok  
I'm just a bad friend  
**KYLE**  
That's not what I said.  
Are you still blaming yourself for what happened that night?  
**STAN**  
Ugh no  
Yes  
No  
Idk  
I just feel like  
Ugghhhhh fuck  
I know i shouldn’t  
But i gotta  
**KYLE**  
What is it?  
**STAN**  
I feel like this is a mistake  
**KYLE**  
It could be, but we don’t know. We won’t know. All we know now is that this is what they want, and if it’s what makes them happy, we need to be there for them.  
I know it’s what you want too.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know  
LIke I said  
I’m just a bad friend  
**KYLE**  
You aren’t.  
**STAN**  
Look I gotta run  
My shift is about to start and I really can't get my pay docked again  
**KYLE**  
Are you going to make it to the ceremony?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I have to go  
I'm the best man  
**KYLE**  
Be happy for them.  
**STAN**  
I am  
I really am

 

_Thurs, July 22, 6:54 PM_

**KYLE**  
[video: Elway answering to Kyle’s command to sit]  
**STAN**  
OMG  
DUDE  
HE GOT SO BIG  
**KYLE**  
You think so? Maybe the camera angle made him look bigger. He’s gotten stockier, but he’s still about the same.  
**STAN**  
WHAT ELSE DOES HE KNOW TO DO??  
**KYLE**  
Hmm, he knows how to shake and lie down. We can’t get him to stay, though. He just loves following us around.  
**STAN**  
DIDN’T I TELL YOU WHAT A GOOD BOY HE IS  
**KYLE**  
Oh, and he knows how to do this.  
Give me a minute.

_7:07 PM_

**KYLE**  
[video: Kyle says, “Say hi to Stan” and Elway barks excitedly]  
**STAN**  
HADDDDDDDDDDDDF A  
HI ELWAY!!!!!  
WHAT A GOOD BOY  
OMG  
WHAT A GREAT BOY  
**KYLE**  
He’s very smart. I feel like he understands everything I am saying.  
**STAN**  
DUDE  
Sparky was like that too I swear  
Like you could talk to him and he knew exactly how to answer and stuff  
Like he knew exactly what you’re saying  
He felt ya you know what I mean  
**KYLE**  
That’s amazing. I wonder if Elway is like that too.  
**STAN**  
He is  
You can tell  
It’s in his eyes  
**KYLE**  
Really.  
**STAN**  
Ya rly  
I know these things k remember  
He’s gonna be great  
**KYLE**  
Well, don’t pressure him too much now.  
He’s still a baby.  
**STAN**  
HNNNGNG PRECIOUS BABY PUP PUP  
I wanna hold him : <  
**KYLE**  
You’ll get to soon.  
**STAN**  
WOOHOOO :D  
Hey thanks dude  
That really like cheers me up  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, no problem.  
**STAN**  
So can you like send me more videos of him?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll think about it.  
**STAN**  
OR  
OR  
DUDE  
You can get a puppy cam and I can just watch him live  
I can see Elway all the time  
**KYLE**  
Oh sure.  
**STAN**  
Realy??? :D  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, that’s absolutely not creepy in any way at all to give you 24/7 viewing access to my dog.  
**STAN**  
It’s not creepy!! I just wanna watch him do stuff  
**KYLE**  
I can’t do it. I won’t feed your fetish.  
**STAN**  
FUCK OFF DUDE DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD  
**KYLE**  
Oh, my friend, you’re the one who made it weird. Not me.  
**STAN**  
FINE FINE  
JUST KEEP SENDING ME PIX THEN  
**KYLE**  
Yeah… No.  
I don’t want you seeing my dog anymore.  
**STAN**  
NOOOOOOOO  
KYLE PLEASE  
I LOVE HIM  
I LOVE HIM!

 

_Sat, July 24, 10:14 PM_

**KYLE**  
I heard about what happened at Lorde’s concert, and I know this is a pointless question to ask but… Are you okay?  
**STAN**  
Uh no?  
No dude  
I'm not fucking ok  
How can I be even close to ok?  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry. I wish there was something better I could say.  
**STAN**  
Why the fuck is this my life  
Did I do something really terrible in my last life and now karma wants me dead for it?  
**KYLE**  
It’s not you.  
It has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.  
**STAN**  
No no it has to be  
It has to be something I did  
Something I fucked up  
Why else would I get this fucking piece of shit joke as a dad  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry, Stan.  
I can’t imagine what this is like for you.  
**STAN**  
It’s FUCKING HUMILIATING  
WHO THE FUCK MASTURBATES ON STAGE AND THINKS IT’S OK  
YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING DID TO SHELLY?  
LORDE WAS HER IDOL AND NOW HE FUCKING RUINED IT  
HE RUINS THINGS FOR EVERYONE  
THAT’S ALL HE DOES  
I WISH HE WAS FUCKING DEAD  
BUT HE’LL PROBALY KEEP FUCKING THINGS UP FOR EVERYONE EVEN IF HE’S DEAD  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Fuck I hate him  
I hate him  
**KYLE**  
I know. Don’t let him get to you too much, okay?  
**STAN**  
He wasn’t even drunk  
Like if he was  
I could maybe not be as mad  
But he wasn’t  
That’s just who he is  
Fuck  
I’m gonna go  
Take a walk or something  
**KYLE**  
Okay, that’s a good idea.  
**STAN**  
Go to the mall and break every Lorde merchandise I see  
**KYLE**  
That’s not as good of an idea.  
Breathe.

_11:12 PM_

**STAN**  
What if i end up like him  
**KYLE**  
You won’t.  
You are nothing like him.  
**STAN**  
Are you sure  
**KYLE**  
Yes, I’m sure.

 

_Mon, July 26, 3:18 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey uh you awake?

_5:23 AM_

**KYLE**  
Sorry, I called it an early night.  
What were you doing up at 3?

_12:45 PM_

**STAN**  
Nothing  
Just couldn't sleep  
Thought you might still be awake  
**KYLE**  
Are you okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I guess  
I'm gonna take a nap now  
Didn't sleep much you know  
**KYLE**  
Okay. A nap would probably be good.  
When’s your shift?  
**STAN**  
Uh I’m not going  
Kennys gonna call in for me  
**KYLE**  
Are you getting sick?  
**STAN**  
No I don't think so  
I'm just really blah right now dude  
Talk to you later k after my nap  
**KYLE**  
Okay. I hope you feel better soon.

 

_Thurs, July 29, 2:07 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan?  
**STAN**  
Yeah?  
**KYLE**  
Are you feeling all right?  
**STAN**  
I’m sleeping  
**KYLE**  
Oh, okay.  
Text me when you’re awake, please.

_9:14 PM_

**KYLE**  
You didn’t text me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah sorry I kinda forgot  
Got caught up in some stuff I was doing  
**KYLE**  
What were you doing?  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Just stuff  
**KYLE**  
I’m worried about you.

_11:03 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan?  
Talk to me please.

 

_Fri, July 30, 6:41 PM_

**KYLE**  
You've been quiet.  
**STAN**  
Huh? Really?  
**KYLE**  
Yes. You haven't even hounded me about Elway.  
Did you forget him already?  
**STAN**  
lol I would never  
Idk I've been kinda busy I guess  
Getting stuff together ready for school  
It's just been lots of stuff to do  
Lots of stuff happening  
And I gotta go to boulder this weekend  
Not looking forward to that drive  
**KYLE**  
Aren't you excited to see Gary?  
**STAN**  
Yeah I guess  
I mean I am  
I just got this like  
Idk  
Statics in my head  
Can't really think right now  
**KYLE**  
Is there anything I can help you with?  
**STAN**  
Nah dude  
I'm good  
Just gotta go through these on my own  
**KYLE**  
You don't have to.  
**STAN**  
Don't dude ok?  
Just not right now  
I just wanna deal with this myself  
Cool?  
**KYLE**  
I understand. If you change your mind, I'm here to help.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know  
Thanks dude  
I’m getting over it  
I feel it you know  
One way or another  
You know I’m tough  
**KYLE**  
I know.

 

_Sun, July 31, 12:04 AM_

**STAN**  
HEY  
KYLE  
**KYLE**  
Hey!  
**STAN**  
GUESS WHWR  
**KYLE**  
I guess you're drunk.  
**STAN**  
KM FRINK  
LOL BINGO  
YIURERIGHT  
**KYLE**  
What's the occasion?  
**STAN**  
IM SKICE  
AND I UUST FEEL LIKE DRINKING  
WAIT HOKD ON  
**KYLE**  
I'm holding on.  
**STAN**  
OK INCANT FIND CRIEG OR TTEEEK  
EHERE THE FUCK IS ECERYONE WHEN I NEED THEM  
**KYLE**  
How much have you had?  
Where's Gary?  
**STAN**  
WHO?  
**KYLE**  
Wait, where are you?  
Aren’t you in Boulder?  
**STAN**  
NO  
**KYLE**  
Where are you?  
**STAN**  
KM ARA A BAR  
**KYLE**  
You're at a bar?  
By yourself?  
**STAN**  
NO LOL THERES LOT IF PEOPLE HERE  
SHIY RHERES A SOUDER EVEN HERE  
**KYLE**  
A what?  
**STAN**  
SOIFER  
SPIDE  
FUCK  
SOIDEE  
SPIDER  
HAHAHA I DID IT  
**KYLE**  
Where’s Kenny?  
**STAN**  
IDK  
THEYR EON THEIR HIJEYMOON  
BALLSS DEEP IN MARJ ROOBABLY  
**KYLE**  
I texted Kenny. He’s coming to get you.  
What's the name of the bar?  
**STAN**  
SITCKY  
**KYLE**  
I'm not pulling anything up with that name.  
Can you try again?  
**STAN**  
HES MY BEWS FREIEN  
**KYLE**  
Stan? What are you talking about?  
**STAN**  
THR SPIDER  
HIS NAME IS STICKT WND HES MY FREIDJ  
**KYLE**  
Tell me what's the name of the bar.  
Come on.  
**STAN**  
NOOOOI GODDD  
I SWUISHED STIFK WITH MY BEER  
IM AFUCJING MOSNTER  
**KYLE**  
Stan. What's the name of the bar?  
**STAN**  
ARE YOU COMINV  
**KYLE**  
Yes. Tell me where you are so I can come get you.  
**STAN**  
[Location shared]  
HURTYY  
ILLL SAVE YIU A SEST  
YOU CAN SITCWHERE SYICKY SAT  
**KYLE**  
Kenny’s coming to get you, okay?  
**STAN**  
OK  
WHEN AEE YIU GETTING HERE  
IM NOT LEQVING UTIL UOI WE EHEEE  
**KYLE**  
I can't really understand what you're saying.  
**STAN**  
I m not leaving until you c are here  
**KYLE**  
You know I’d be there in a heartbeat if I could.  
**STAN**  
COLE COME  
COME DANCE WUH ME  
INWANAM DANXE  
**KYLE**  
I will. Another time, okay?  
But tonight, you're going home with Kenny.  
You can have more when you're home.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
KYLE  
KYKE  
**KYLE**  
Yes? I'm here.  
**STAN**  
WHERE  
I DINT SEE YOU  
**KYLE**  
Stay in one place so I can see you, okay?  
**STAN**  
OK IMAT THE RESTROOM  
LOJG LIKE TO PEE  
**KYLE**  
Okay, stay right there. Don’t move.  
**STAN**  
I FIUND KENNY  
**KYLE**  
Oh good. Go with him, okay?  
**STAN**  
HET ICUHED MT BUTT  
**KYLE**  
He what?  
**STAN**  
TOUCHED  
MT BUTT  
HE CANR TOUCH MY BUTT  
THATS NO FOR HIM  
**KYLE**  
I'm sure he didn't mean to.  
**STAN**  
DI YII WANNA TOUCH MY HUTT ??  
ILL KET YOU IF YIU WANBA  
**KYLE**  
Maybe another time.  
You're leaving with him, right?  
**STAN**  
ERR EGOING TO THE ZOO  
TO SEE OTTERS  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that sounds fun!  
Do what Kenny says, okay?  
**STAN**  
OK  
ARE YIO CONING TI SEE OTTERS WITH HS  
**KYLE**  
Next time, okay?  
**STAN**  
OK

_1:13 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
**KYLE**  
Hey. How are you feeling?  
**STAN**  
My head hurts  
**KYLE**  
I bet. Get some sleep.  
**STAN**  
No  
I wanna talk to yu  
Talk to me  
**KYLE**  
What do you want to talk about?  
**STAN**  
Did you know you're my favorite Jew after Jesus?  
Actually you might be my favorite  
Before Jesus  
I don't care if I'm going to hell for saying that  
**KYLE**  
Wow.  
That's… Wow.  
**STAN**  
If you were a jelly belly flavor you would be my favorite  
**KYLE**  
Actual cannibal Stan Marsh confirmed.  
Are you sober?  
**STAN**  
Am I gonna be in trouble if I say no?  
**KYLE**  
All right. Put down your phone.  
**STAN**  
I don’t wanna  
**KYLE**  
Get some water and sleep, okay?  
**STAN**  
NoNn  
**KYLE**  
Come on. Go to bed. Stop texting me.

_1:20 AM_

**KYLE**  
When I say stop texting me, I don't mean call me instead.  
**STAN**  
But You were the one who kept telling me to talk to you  
**KYLE**  
I know, but I want you to get some rest right now. It feels like you haven't been.  
We’ll talk in the morning.  
**STAN**  
You promise?  
**KYLE**  
I do.  
**STAN**  
But you said you were gonna come get me and you didn't  
And Kenny said w we're going to the zoo but we didn't  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry. You know I would've come if I could.  
And if the zoo was open, Kenny would've taken you.  
**STAN**  
Everyone lies to me  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry, Stan. We'll make it up to you.  
Go to bed, okay?  
**STAN**  
I'm tired  
**KYLE**  
I know. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.  
We’ll talk in the morning. I promise.  
**STAN**  
Kyle  
Wait  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, Stan?  
**STAN**  
I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Here's to wishing you all the strength and courage to thrive in 2017. Be the person Stan Marsh knows you can be.


	13. kyle broflovski? i don't know him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) please check out this awesome [fanart](http://lunarhero.tumblr.com/post/155613871062/kyle-why-did-you-try-to-find-the-dog-again-stan)  
> 2) if you think this update was bad, it's gonna be worse from here on out.  
> p.s. we're heading toward the end of this fic.

_Sun, July 31, 9:22 PM_

**STAN**  
Ok I’m just gonna say it and get it over with  
I’m sorry about what I said k  
I was obvs drunk and wasn’t thinking right you know  
Didn’t mean to make it weird or anything  
Just laugh it off and forget about it  
Cool?  
I can't stand this silence treatment  
It's fucking annoying  
**KYLE**  
I wasn't ignoring you on purpose. I thought you would need some time to sort out your thoughts.  
And it's fine, you don’t have to worry about what you said. I know you weren’t quite yourself.  
**STAN**  
Well you coulda said something  
Anything  
But  
Wev  
I just fuck things up like I always do so you can be pissed at me all you want  
**KYLE**  
I'm not pissed off.  
**STAN**  
Idk  
Not talking to me seems pretty pissed off to me  
**KYLE**  
I'm worried. You’ve been very distant and closed off, and I think that’s doing more harm than you realize.  
**STAN**  
Yeah no I know  
Look dude I'm sorry  
I don't wanna make you worry and stuff so like if you don't wanna you can just not talk to me k  
**KYLE**  
Are you kidding me?  
**STAN**  
I know I’m a mess and I don’t wanna drag you down with me  
Just delete my number or wev you wanna do  
I get it  
**KYLE**  
Are you fucking serious right now?  
Come the fuck on! I'm your best friend, Stan.  
You’re obligated by our relationship to tell me everything without fear of judgment - and I mean, everything. You can tell me the size of the shit you took this morning and that you decided to shove it back up your ass and I would be okay with that. So don't you fucking dare think for a goddamn second you’re a burden to me.  
**STAN**  
Holy fuck dude  
Goddamn  
What the hell’s gotten into you  
**KYLE**  
I'm getting sick of your bullshit. Stop brushing me off. You do not get to tell me whether or not I should care about you. I decide that. Not you. Do you hear me?  
**STAN**  
Ok god I'm sorry  
You're scaring me  
I thought you weren't pissed!  
**KYLE**  
I am now.  
**STAN**  
Dude stop being mad  
**KYLE**  
I'll stop when you start talking about what the fuck is going on with you and you better start now or I swear to god I'll fly back this instance and beat the shit you shoved back up your ass out of you.  
**STAN**  
Wtf  
Why would I even shove it back up in the first place????  
That's fucking nasty dude!!!!  
How would it even go back up?? It would get all mushy in your hand ???  
Oh god  
I just gagged  
I’m gonna puke again  
**KYLE**  
Stop fucking stalling. I’m running out of patience.  
**STAN**  
Dude wtf?’  
What happened to the Kyle that thinks i’m a flawless precious cinnamon roll?  
I want that Kyle back  
He was awesome  
**KYLE**  
That Kyle couldn't help you. This Kyle might.  
**STAN**  
I don’t like this Kyle  
I want the other Kyle back  
**KYLE**  
You might get him back if you start answering my questions.  
Well? What’s it going to be?  
**STAN**  
Ok god fine  
Go on  
Ask what do you wanna know  
**KYLE**  
Why didn’t you go to Boulder?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh  
cuz I didn't feel like it  
**KYLE**  
Why? Did something happen with Gary? Is that why you were drinking?  
**STAN**  
No no it has nothing to do with him  
I told him I wasn’t gonna come  
**KYLE**  
You didn't tell me you weren't going.  
**STAN**  
Well I also didn't tell you about my morning dumps so  
Damn it  
Now you got me going along with that too  
Wait pause  
Are you like into scat or something???  
Not gonna judge but I feel like I need to know cuz that's kinda like a big deal  
**KYLE**  
Stan.  
Talk to me. This really doesn't have anything to do with Gary?  
**STAN**  
Ygghhh  
Fuck  
Why do you even ask when you already know the answer  
That’s just like fucking mean and pointless  
**KYLE**  
What happened?  
**STAN**  
Nothing happened  
**KYLE**  
Then why didn't you want to go?  
**STAN**  
Ughhhhhhhhhg  
Dude you're gonna make me say it aren't you  
**KYLE**  
Yes. Say it.  
**STAN**  
I don’t wanna be with him anymore  
**KYLE**  
Is that what this is about? You want to break up with Gary?  
**STAN**  
Yes  
No  
Es  
I don’t know  
I don’t fucking know but you were fucking right  
I rushed into this cuz I got carried away and wanted to be with someone so badly I didn’t really think this through  
Don’t get me wrong tho I mean Gary is perfect  
Which is kinda a problem too I guess  
He’s too perfect  
He’s too NICE  
Omg people shouldn't be that nice and forgiving but he is it's ducking unreal  
He never calls me out on my shit  
When I do something wrong he just fucking lets it slide like it’s ok even tho it isn’t??  
LIKE IT WAS OUR 1 MONTH ANNIVERSARY and I completely forgot cuz I was too busy feeling sorry for myself  
And he was fine with it EVEN AFTER I BLEW OFF the trip and didn't go see him but I really should have  
It was our anniversary!!!!  
But he just said it was ok like it was ok but it's super fucking not ok  
And seriously again he's not even the problem  
It's me I am the issue  
He makes me feel like a bad person dude  
The nicer he is to me the worst he makes me feel  
Idk how to explain but I feel guilty when I'm with him  
Like I stole something so good and so nice from the world and I don't fucking deserve it  
I'm only gonna ruin him  
He should have someone who can give him all the best things in the world and doesn't bring him down  
and i don’t fucking know how I’m supposed to tell him I don’t wanna be together anymore  
It’s not fucking fair cuz he’s done so much for me and all I’m gonna is throw him away  
How can I do that to him  
**KYLE**  
And avoiding him is the better approach?  
**STAN**  
Ofc not I know that but I don't know what I'm suppose to do  
I really don't  
**KYLE**  
You need to talk to him. I would say do it as soon as you can put your thoughts together. You said it yourself - it's not fair to Gary.  
**STAN**  
Or plan B I fake my own death and not have to deal with this  
**KYLE**  
Do you still like him?  
**STAN**  
Why ?  
**KYLE**  
Just answer the question.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I guess  
He's great  
It's just idk timing I guess  
Too soon and too much crap happening in my life  
I thought I knew what I wanted but I don’t and lbr I’m a shitty boyfriend  
I’m not good for him  
**KYLE**  
Shitty boyfriend or not, you owe it to him to tell him the truth. Even if this isn't working out, you still care about him. And because you do, you need to give him respect and closure.  
**STAN**  
You think I should do it?  
Break up with him?  
**KYLE**  
That's your decision; I don't have a say in that.  
All I know is that the longer you drag this on, the worst it will be for both of you down the line.  
You have to talk to him and figure this out. You can't have a healthy relationship without honest communication. You need to tell him how you truly feel and hear his thoughts on the matter.  
No one will think you're a bad person if you want to break up with him. If it isn’t right for you, it isn’t. There's nothing you can do about that and there’s no hoping and waiting for it to get better. But it is extremely shitty for you to keep leading him on when you no longer feel this is what you want.  
Honestly, you should know better.  
**STAN**  
I know dude  
I know  
Again me = shitty guy  
No one else is the problem  
It's just easier said than done you know  
**KYLE**  
I know. But you'll do it. You know why?  
**STAN**  
Cuz you're gonna shove poop up my ass if I don't?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, and also because you really are a good person, Stan. Even if you can't see it yourself sometimes. You don't want to hurt anyone; you’re just too convinced that you're already doing it and that makes you too afraid to make an otherwise move.  
Talk to him. Maybe it ends. Maybe it goes on. No matter which way it goes, you’ll feel better afterward.  
**STAN**  
I like my plan to fake my death better  
**KYLE**  
Don’t run from this. You’ll hate yourself if you do.  
**STAN**  
Lol more than I already do? Not possible  
**KYLE**  
You know what you have to do.  
**STAN**  
Goddamnit  
K yeah  
You're right  
Of course you're right  
You always know what to do better than me  
**KYLE**  
I hope it goes well.  
And if anything else comes up, you need to tell me. Do you hear me? I’m not dealing with any more “you don't have to talk to me anymore” bullshit. You tell me everything from now on, okay?  
**STAN**  
Geez dude when did you get so pushy  
**KYLE**  
You'll always come to me and be honest with me. Don't shut me out again.  
**STAN**  
You’re gonna regret it  
**KYLE**  
I won't.

_11:03 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey wait you never answer my question!!  
**KYLE**  
About what?  
**STAN**  
Scat and your into-it-ness  
C’mon the honesty thing goes both ways right?  
**KYLE**  
All right. Fine. If you must know, yes, I developed a liking for it after I was made a part of the HUMANCENTiPAD.  
**STAN**  
The duck what is thet  
Fuck autocorrect  
**KYLE**  
Would you like me to show you?  
**STAN**  
Uhhh  
Nah thanks I'm good bro  
Kenny has shown me more than enough messed up things  
I'm good  
**KYLE**  
That's a shame. I think you would like it as well.  
**STAN**  
lol ok  
You just yanking my chains yeah?  
**KYLE**  
Are you accusing me of not being honest with you?  
**STAN**  
I have a great idea  
Let's pretend we never talked about this  
Deal? Deal  
Conversation deleted  
Erased  
Threw into a black hole and purged from existence  
**KYLE**  
That's not fair. I wholeheartedly accept and cherish as you are but you can't do the same for me.  
**STAN**  
No dude!!! I'm cool with it  
I mean if that's what your into that's you know good for you  
I mean  
You do you you know  
**KYLE**  
Thank you for saying that. If you're ever interested...  
**STAN**  
lol I'm not  
Ever  
Gonna be interested  
**KYLE**  
Ah. Too bad.

_11:27 PM_

**STAN**  
Ok dude you aren't really into scat are you?  
Please bro tell me you aren't  
PLEASE  
Kyle???)  
**KYLE**  
I'm not into scat.  
**STAN**  
THANK YOU GOD PRAISE THE SUN  
**KYLE**  
I'm into watersports.  
**STAN**  
SHITFVUKBLIAR

 

_Tues, Aug 2, 6:48 AM_

**KYLE**  
Do you have everything?  
**STAN**  
I think so  
I mean whatever I forget I can just grab it at school right?  
**KYLE**  
Everything is overpriced on campus. You should double check to make sure you didn't forget anything.  
**STAN**  
K geez I'm not gonna forget  
What's there to forget anyway  
I'm just bringing my iPad and my books  
**KYLE**  
You should really invest in a laptop.  
**STAN**  
Yeah for sure it's on my list after I get a Tesla and a robot butler that does my laundry  
**KYLE**  
I thought you wanted a maid.  
**STAN**  
Butler is fancier  
Makes me feel like Batman  
**KYLE**  
And instead of orphans, you adopt stray dogs and train them to fight crime alongside you.  
**STAN**  
OFMMGMGMGMG  
Can I just do that instead??  
That sounds way cooler than a 2 hour lecture on English comp lit or wev the fuck I have today  
**KYLE**  
You can't be a vigilante superhero if you don't own a laptop.  
**STAN**  
Ok fine  
I can probably borrow one for now until I get my own  
I think Clyde has one sitting around  
But ughhhh it's probably infected with viruses and spywares from all the porn sites tho  
**KYLE**  
Maybe just stick to the iPad for now then.  
Did you really check if you had everything? Knowing you, you’ll forget something.  
**STAN**  
Rude!!! I'm super not forgettable at all?? Idk where you got that idea  
**KYLE**  
You meant forgetful.  
Goes to show you should forget about being a superhero and go to your English class.  
**STAN**  
I'm not forgettable either tho ;)  
**KYLE**  
And not in a good way.  
You do have everything? For sure?  
**STAN**  
Lmao dude chill !! You're way like more nervous than I am  
**KYLE**  
Oh, I know. My nerves are so wrecked.  
**STAN**  
Aww c’mon dude!! I got this!!!  
Not even my mom is acting like this lol  
**KYLE**  
I'm just excited for you. Very excited.  
**STAN**  
I'm excited for me too bro!  
I feel good  
Like after all the crap that happened in the last couple days I feel pretty good  
Like I'm doing stuff to turn my life around  
I feel like I'm going somewhere finally you know what I mean?  
Who knew I would be happy to go back to school lol  
**KYLE**  
I'm very proud of you for following through with it. Now, let’s just hope you’ll stick with it.  
**STAN**  
[[image](http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/2d/2dc5b3567c666b4a966f9dfef5609ae4396c8f5729483e69e7475e389382352d.jpg)]  
**KYLE**  
What? Couldn’t find a dog one?  
**STAN**  
Lmao kinda but I’ll keep looking!  
**KYLE**  
All right, I should get back to work before someone rats me out again.  
Go kick ass and take names.  
**STAN**  
You got it bro!

_7:20 AM_

**STAN**  
I forgot my student ID  
but that's ok right? They aren't gonna card me or anything??  
I mean it's a school not a bar  
Ofc they aren't gonna ask for my ID  
Right??  
**KYLE**  
Goddamnit, Stan. I thought you said you had everything.  
**STAN**  
I had it in my pocket but then I changed jeans and forget about it  
**KYLE**  
[[image](https://img.memecdn.com/you-had-one-job-dog_o_1668841.jpg)]  
**STAN**  
HE’S TRYING OK DON'T CALL HIM OUT LIKE THAT  
IT's not his fault if it was a bad throw!!  
**KYLE**  
I was calling you out.  
**STAN**  
Oh  
Yeah shit my bad  
It's not a big deal right??  
I bet lots of people forget stuff on the first day  
**KYLE**  
Which wouldn't have happened to you if you had listened to me.  
But no. You didn't. Now look where we fucking are.  
It was something so simple, but you didn't do it.  
**STAN**  
Ok ok  
Damn stop being so pissy  
I'll staple it to my hand when I get home so I won't lose it again ok?  
Man seriously I want the old Kyle back  
I miss him  
He would just say this wasn't my fault and tell me how nice and big my dick is  
**KYLE**  
For the last time, I only said that to make you feel better. Pull your infinitesimal dick out of your ass and stop fucking around.  
**STAN**  
Pretty BIG word you're using there to talk about my dick :0  
**KYLE**  
You're unbelievable. Forget it.  
**STAN**  
You know what's unforgettable?

_7:31 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey  
Kyle  
C’mon  
You know what's unforgettable?  
My dick  
**KYLE**  
Fucking leave me alone.

_2:44 PM_

**STAN**  
Just asking  
How pissed are you gonna be if I say I wanna drop out?  
**KYLE**  
Blocked.  
**STAN**  
But it’s so hard !!! All the kids are mean and make fun of meeeeeee  
And there’s so much to read?? Wtf who has time to read that much shit???  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to do worse to you if you quit.  
**STAN**  
D:  
Like what?  
**KYLE**  
Don’t test me.  
**STAN**  
Ok ok god  
Geez  
What if I just drop one class?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll drop your ass.  
**STAN**  
GOD I don’t like this Kyle!!

 

_Thurs, Aug 4, 6:06 PM_

**STAN**  
We only been together for a month tho  
Maybe I just need more time? Or maybe like this is just what happens after you date someone for a while? Like all the excitement just dies down a little?  
That's normal right?  
**KYLE**  
I don't want to push or influence your decision, but it sounds to me your issues runs deeper than the honeymoon phrase being over.  
Regardless, don't try to get out of this. It’s been days. You can't keep ignoring him.  
**STAN**  
I'm not ignoring him  
I'm just selectively answering him  
**KYLE**  
Talk to him.  
**STAN**  
Alright fine  
Ugh  
I'll try  
**KYLE**  
Don't try. Do.  
**STAN**  
Ok Master Yoda dammit

_6:42 PM_

**STAN**  
It's done  
**KYLE**  
How did it go?  
**STAN**  
I broke up with him  
**KYLE**  
Shit. I'm sorry, Stan. Are you okay?  
**STAN**  
I'm ok  
I mean  
I don't feel good about it but how else can I feel?  
I wanted this  
It sucks but it's what I had to do  
**KYLE**  
I'm sure it was rough for both of you.  
How did he take it?  
**STAN**  
Uh  
I'm not sure  
He hasn't replied yet  
Dunno if he's gonna  
**KYLE**  
… Stan. Did you break up with him with a text?  
**STAN**  
… yeah?  
**KYLE**  
Oh my god.  
**STAN**  
You didn't say HOW I should talk to him  
**KYLE**  
Oh my god.  
**STAN**  
Stop saying that  
I mean i WANTED to call but it was really hard and I felt like i couldn't do it if i had to do it over the phone  
Text is just easier  
**KYLE**  
You heartless pigshit.  
**STAN**  
COME ON  
I thought you were on my side???  
You told me to break up with him  
**KYLE**  
I didn't say that. I said you should talk to him.  
**STAN**  
K wev tomato tomato  
Fuck that didn't work over texts  
The point is I did it  
It's over  
**KYLE**  
You shouldn't have done it like that.  
I'm really disappointed in you.  
That was a dick move. Even for you.

_6:56 PM_

**STAN**  
SHIY  
HE called  
I dint pick up  
**KYLE**  
Nice going, asshole.  
**STAN**  
He texted me  
He's asking me to all him back  
**KYLE**  
Do it.  
**STAN**  
I can't  
Dude  
I can't  
I feel enough like a asshole already ok  
I don't need to hear him say it  
It's done and over with  
We're over  
**KYLE**  
Stan, call him back.  
**STAN**  
Nope can't  
**KYLE**  
Call him back, you donkey-fucking shitbag.  
**STAN**  
Dude seriously wtf  
Did I choose the wrong dialogue route???  
Can I load an old save and get paragon Kyle back??  
**KYLE**  
Auto-save, fucker. No reload. You’re stuck with Renegade Kyle.  
**STAN**  
I'm restarting the game  
**KYLE**  
Call him back.  
**STAN**  
I don't wanna  
**KYLE**  
Call him back. Now.  
**STAN**  
You can't make me  
**KYLE**  
Call him back, you anal leaking turd.  
**STAN**  
CAN’T WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE  
**KYLE**  
STANLEY MARSH, YOU CALL HIM BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANCE, YOU SPINELESS WASTE OF SPACE, BEFORE I’LL TELL ELWAY TO RIP OFF YOUR DICK.  
**STAN**  
OMG WTF  
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS LATER  
AND YOU LEAVE ELWAY OUT OF THIS!!  
**KYLE**  
Call him back. I’m serious. He won’t forgive you if you don’t and you won’t forgive yourself either.  
I won’t as well.

_7:32 PM_

**STAN**  
Well that was the single worst phone call of my life  
I never want to talk to anyone on the phone ever again  
**KYLE**  
What did he say?  
**STAN**  
Uh  
What do you think  
**KYLE**  
I hope he called you out for the text.  
**STAN**  
He did  
He said I was immature and I have a lot of growing up to do  
And how like all he ever tried to do was help me and be supportive and I was a jerk for not even giving him a chance to change things or letting him know it was going wrong  
Fuck man he said I broke his heart  
**KYLE**  
You knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  
**STAN**  
It stil lfucking hurts dude  
I never ever meant to do that  
I feel so bad  
I just want him to be happy and I thought the only way was for him to be without me  
It has nothing to do with him  
It's all me  
I told him I hope we can stay friends but idk man  
He probably doesn’t want that  
**KYLE**  
It’ll take time, but from what you’ve told me about him, I think he’ll come around. He doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would cut ties completely.  
**STAN**  
I just wish I could make it up to him somehow  
Thank him for everything he did for me and make up for how I wasted his time  
Maybe i’m just being selfish dude but I don’t want him gone completely you know?  
**KYLE**  
Give it time. As cliche as it sounds, even if time doesn’t heal, it at least dulls the pain.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I guess  
I’m gonna go do my break up thing now  
You know  
Cry in the shower  
Play sad songs  
Eat a pound of jelly bellies  
Etc  
**KYLE**  
You know that jelly bellies are coated in beeswax, right? Aren’t you a vegan?  
**STAN**  
Why the fuck would you tell me that right now  
W H Y  
**KYLE**  
I thought I should remind you before you eat a pound of them then hate yourself even more.  
**STAN**  
This is legit the worst day of my life  
I have to lie down and die right now  
**KYLE**  
Get some rest, Stan. Be sad. It’ll make you feel better later.  
**STAN**  
I don’t wanna be sad  
I wanna be ok  
**KYLE**  
You will be. It’s a process, but you’ll get there eventually.  
**STAN**  
You promise?  
**KYLE**  
I promise.

 

_Sat, Aug 6, 4:14 PM_

**STAN**  
I DIDN’T MEAN IT SERIOUSLY  
IDK WHY THE FUCK HE’S MAKING SUCH A FUCKING BIG DEAL OUTTA IT  
I WAS JUST JOKING AROUND  
**KYLE**  
Calm down.  
**STAN**  
I CAN’T  
I’M SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW  
OMG  
I’M GONNA HULK OUT AND PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH HIS SKULL  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure Kenny knows you didn’t mean it seriously either. It just caught him off-guard.  
**STAN**  
Like I would really make Marj pay rent  
Like seriously  
I would fucking make Marj pay rent  
**KYLE**  
I know you wouldn’t.  
**STAN**  
But lbr even if I asked it wouldn’t be wrong right??  
I mean they live here too now?? Why shouldn’t they help out???  
**KYLE**  
No, it wouldn’t be too unreasonable to ask that, but from what I’ve heard, Marjorine helps with the groceries and some of the bills. They’re trying as much as they’re able.  
**STAN**  
Yeah I know  
It’s just me  
Being the bad guy again  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, pretty much.  
**STAN**  
Fuck  
Maybe I should just move back home  
Or into a cave in the mountains  
**KYLE**  
Kenny and Marjorine probably would like that.  
Craig, too.  
Who would want to live with you?  
**STAN**  
WTF??  
Dude what the hell is up with you??  
You're like so MEAN lately  
Way meaner than you usually are  
What crawled up your ass and laid a bunch of meanie eggs???  
**KYLE**  
I was thinking it's what you would want.  
**STAN**  
Why would I want you to be mean???  
**KYLE**  
Well, I did some thinking when you shut me out. I realized I had been approaching you in the wrong ways.  
You've told me multiple times you want to get through things on you own, and it was due time I respect your wish.  
So no more kid gloves. No more hand-holdings. No more “it's okay”s.  
You're tough. You'll make it. You don't need people to coddle and baby you. You don't need them to feel sorry for you. What you said about how Gary made you feel confirmed my thoughts.  
You need someone to keep you grounded. Not shelter you.  
I thought I should be that someone.  
**STAN**  
???? and you have to be a rude ass to do that???  
**KYLE**  
Do you want my help or not?  
**STAN**  
I guess????  
Idk tbh I don't really get why you gotta be hella mean to help me? But I guess it's coming from a good place??  
Probably????  
I mean I appreciate it tho bro  
I appreciate you  
You're always there  
Even when I can't say I need you you know to be there  
So yeah  
**KYLE**  
To be fair, you're also so freaking annoying sometimes that it just warrants that kind of reaction.  
**STAN**  
Ok just checking so don't flip  
What are my options if I don't want this? Cuz you’re kinda a major pain in the ass right now bro  
**KYLE**  
You don't want me?  
**STAN**  
No dude???  
I want you  
**KYLE**  
Well, that was very highly inappropriate to say considering you just went through a breakup.  
**STAN**  
Wtf you were the one that put it that way!!!  
**KYLE**  
And not to mention very gay.  
**STAN**  
Lmao bro I know  
That was like full homo  
I threw up in my mouth a little  
**KYLE**  
That's how I usually feel whenever I talk to you.  
**STAN**  
The full homo or the throwing up part?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll let you figure that one out.

_5:07 PM_

**STAN**  
But can you like be a little nicer to me please  
I’m having a hard time dude  
**KYLE**  
All right, I’ll dial it down.  
Since you’re such a fragile little stale cinnamon roll that will crumble if someone so much comes near you.  
**STAN**  
… that’s not dialing it down…  
I still feel insulted…  
**KYLE**  
Oops. Let me try again.  
God... This is going to take me some time.  
Hang tight.

_5:12 PM_

**KYLE**  
You’re too good for this world. Too pure. We don’t deserve you. You’ve never done anything wrong in your life. Your dick should be the eighth wonder of the world.  
**STAN**  
And I’m not a stale cinnamon roll?  
**KYLE**  
No, you’re the most beautiful and perfect cinnamon roll.  
**STAN**  
Woohoo!! :D

 

_Mon, Aug 8, 11:35 AM_

**STAN**  
I miss him  
Do you think if I beg he'll take me back?  
**KYLE**  
Don't do it.  
**STAN**  
:(  
**KYLE**  
You have to live with the choices you make.  
**STAN**  
What about second chances??  
**KYLE**  
Can you guarantee you'll do better this time around?  
**STAN**  
No….  
**KYLE**  
Then you answered your own question.  
**STAN**  
Ugh dude  
This sucks  
Way more than I thought I would  
I feel so  
Alone  
**KYLE**  
It'll get easier. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and distract your thoughts from it.  
**STAN**  
Yeah  
I guess now is a good time to pick up that vigilante thing  
Hey  
Kyle  
Will you be my Robin?  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
You never say yes to me anymore ;(

 

_Wed, Aug 10, 1:43 PM_

**KYLE**  
Hey!  
**STAN**  
Hey sup?  
**KYLE**  
Are you sitting down?  
**STAN**  
Uh no?  
**KYLE**  
You might want to sit down for this.  
**STAN**  
Lol ok?? What the hell  
**KYLE**  
Did you sit down?  
**STAN**  
Hang on  
I was walking to the bus stop now I gotta go around and find somewhere with a bench  
K  
I'm sitting down on  
*now  
What's up?  
**KYLE**  
You're sitting down?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I am!!  
What's going on??  
**KYLE**  
I got the job.  
**STAN**  
The job?  
Zoe shit  
That job?? At Jory parkVv  
NORTH PAR?  
PARK FUCK  
**KYLE**  
Yes!  
**STAN**  
IM STANDING IP  
HOLD THE FUCK UP  
ARE YOU FOR REAL  
**KYLE**  
I am for real.  
**STAN**  
FO REALS  
**KYLE**  
For reals.  
**STAN**  
HOLY FICK DIDE  
OMG  
I CANT EVEN RIGHT. OW  
YOI GONNA TAKE IT??  
YOI HAVE RO TAKE IT EUGHT  
I MEAN RHARS WHT YITE TSXTING ME TO TELK ME YIURE TWKING IT  
**KYLE**  
Stan. Typos.  
**STAN**  
MY HANDS ARE SHAKING  
**KYLE**  
Deep breaths.  
Count to 10.  
**STAN**  
You're taking it right?  
**KYLE**  
Of course I am.  
**STAN**  
FUCK YES  
FUCK  
YES  
YES  
YES FUCK  
OMG  
I NEED TO SIT DOWN AGAIN  
**KYLE**  
See. That's why I told you to sit down.  
**STAN**  
Holy shit dude I can't believe it  
You're coming home  
**KYLE**  
I'm coming home.  
**STAN**  
Does you mom know yet?  
I mean she's gonna flip right??  
**KYLE**  
Well, I think she'll be annoyed I didn't discuss with her before I made the decision. But I got this job through my own accord and I think she'll be happy and proud of me. Plus, I'll be home again and I think she wants that more than what I have in Connecticut.  
**STAN**  
Holy fuck!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe this  
Did I say that already  
I don't care I'm gonna say it again  
I can't believe it  
Does Kenny know??  
**KYLE**  
I wanted to tell you first.  
**STAN**  
I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE  
Oh god  
My chest feels tight  
Bad  
Is this what happiness feels like??  
I'm dying  
I think I'm literally dying  
**KYLE**  
Well, try not to die before I move back.  
**STAN**  
When is that gonna be????  
**KYLE**  
Two weeks.  
**STAN**  
SHUT THE FUCK UP  
**KYLE**  
I know! I wanted more time but I guess they needed someone as soon as possible. I had to say yes or I would lose the offer.  
God, there’s so much to do. I have to figure out how to get Elway with me.  
**STAN**  
ROAD TRIP  
Kenny and me can come pick you up and help you move!!!!!  
**KYLE**  
You don't have a car.  
**STAN**  
I'll  
Steal one  
**KYLE**  
Let's not resort to that just yet.  
But you're going to need to cancel your flights. I hope you can get a full refund. If not, I'll pay you back for the loss.  
**STAN**  
OH SHIT YEAH THA  
forget that dude  
It's cools don't worry  
I'll pay all the money to have you back  
Omg  
Omg  
I'm legit so stoked right now  
I still feel like I'm dying  
Fuck am I dying  
Is this a dying hallucination  
I don't care if it is it's a great one  
I'm dying  
**KYLE**  
I feel really good about this. It feels so good to finally do something I want. I did this. I got this job on my own. No one paved the road for me.  
I fucking did it on my own and I'm doing it for myself.  
**STAN**  
Dude I'm just so  
Happy  
Fuck  
This is real  
See I told you so  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
This is the part where we live happily ever after  
**KYLE**  
Ha, you know, I’m starting to believe that it might actually be the case.  
**STAN**  
Omg  
Omg  
Kyle  
Dude  
DUDE  
**KYLE**  
Yeah?  
**STAN**  
I'm gonna see you in 2 weeks  
**KYLE**  
Shit. I know. I can barely wrap my head around it.  
**STAN**  
This is gonna be the longest 2 weeks of my life  
**KYLE**  
I feel the same.  
**STAN**  
2 weeks  
**KYLE**  
Two weeks.


	14. let kyle say fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who likes unnecessary drama? (spoilers alert: it's me)  
> happy valentine's day, you beautiful people.

_Fri, Aug 12, 11:07 AM_

**KYLE**  
Did Snapchat glitch or did you seriously send me 26 snaps?  
**STAN**  
Ummmm idk lol  
Wasn't counting  
Why don't you check? :P  
**KYLE**  
Holy fuck. You did actually send me 26 snaps.  
Ah, you're at the dog park. It all makes sense now.  
**STAN**  
It's doggie dating day! There are so many dogs!!  
Dude I hope this is what heaven looks like  
Bury me at a dog park when I die  
**KYLE**  
What if the dogs dig up your body by accident?  
**STAN**  
Then they can play with my bones. I’m gonna contribute even after death  
**KYLE**  
That's morbidly sweet of you.  
**STAN**  
Did you see the corgi Dalmatian mix???  
**KYLE**  
Probably. There were so many, and half of them were blurry.  
**STAN**  
Oh shoot lol I'll find her again and take a better one :D  
Oh man I can't wait to bring Elway here! He's gonna LOVE IT  
**KYLE**  
What makes you think I'll let you take my dog out?  
**STAN**  
cuz I'm like his cool uncle??  
Omg wait I wanna be his godfather  
Kyle make me his godfather right now  
**KYLE**  
What are your qualifications?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
I'm good with dogs  
Scratch that I'm GREAT with dogs  
I would spoil the crap outta him  
I give the best belly rubs (proven fact you can ask any dog)  
I would take care of him like he's mine. I'm not like one of those people that say they like kids only when it's not theirs you know what I mean? But like with dogs instead of kids  
So what do you think??  
**KYLE**  
You don't exactly meet all my expectations.  
**STAN**  
Oh c’mon!!!!! I'm the best person for the job!!  
**KYLE**  
Then why are you taking pictures of other dogs? How many are there on your phone? Is he not enough for you?  
**STAN**  
What??) no!!! He's enough!!!  
It doesn't mean anything!!  
He's my number one  
Tell him he's my number one  
**KYLE**  
It sure doesn't look like it.  
**STAN**  
He's my one and only  
I swear !!!  
I mean I love all dogs cuz all dogs are awesome but I love him the most k  
Tell him that!!!  
**KYLE**  
I’m going to tell him you were looking at other dogs.  
**STAN**  
NO DONT TELL HIM THAT!!!  
You won't right???  
**KYLE**  
No, I won't.  
**STAN**  
:D  
**KYLE**  
I've told you before. He doesn't even know you exist.  
**STAN**  
Oh damn what’s your damage  
Why do you gotta be like this man  
Are you scared he's gonna like me more than you???  
**KYLE**  
Ha. That's the least of my worries.  
**STAN**  
We’ll see!!! I bet he's gonna be all over me when he meets me  >:)  
He's gonna be all like Kyle who? I don't need him I have Satan now  
*Dtan  
Shit  
STAN  
wtf I can't even type my own name  
**KYLE**  
Please don't turn my dog into a Devil worshiper.  
**STAN**  
Fuck off shush that was a typo  
Anyhoo I'm his godfather now right?  
**KYLE**  
For now, and only due to the lack of applicants.  
**STAN**  
So i can bring him to the dog park??? :D  
**KYLE**  
Don't let him dig up anything weird.  
And you need to bathe him afterward.  
**STAN**  
You got it!!! :D  
We're gonna have a blast :D

 

_Sat, Aug 13, 7:15 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
Dude  
Bro  
I gotta ask you something  
But it's gonna be kinda weird  
But like don't make it weird  
It's just something I gotta know  
**KYLE**  
I don't like where this is going.  
**STAN**  
It's not gonna be weird if you don't make it weird!!!!  
**KYLE**  
It's going to be super weird, isn't it?  
**STAN**  
No listen  
It's cool  
It's not a big deal  
Just  
Answer the question  
Then we can move on  
**KYLE**  
Oh God. I'm legit terrified right now.  
**STAN**  
No ITS COOL  
I PROMISE  
**KYLE**  
No, please. I don't want to.  
**STAN**  
I NEED TO KNOW  
**KYLE**  
I’M SCARED.  
**STAN**  
HOW BIG IS YOUR DICK  
**KYLE**  
What the fick  
*fuck.  
What the fuck.  
**STAN**  
It's not a big deal dude  
C’mon just tell me and we can get it over with  
**KYLE**  
What the fuck kind of question is that?  
**STAN**  
It's not like I even wanted to ask!!!  
Or wanna know  
But I just  
Need it for a thing  
**KYLE**  
What thing? Are you auctioning my dick on eBay?  
**STAN**  
What???? No!!  
It's just the guys and I were talking  
**KYLE**  
About my dick size?  
**STAN**  
No!!!  
Well  
Sorta  
Not you specifically but like  
Look its just complicated and hard to explain k???  
Please just answer the question  
It's for science  
**KYLE**  
It doesn't sound like your scientific research has any merit.  
**STAN**  
Dude c’mon  
Don't make it a thing k??  
Please I just need to know  
Just tell me  
**KYLE**  
I’m uncomfortable answering that.  
**STAN**  
C’mon dude  
Just tell me real quick  
Your supposed to be my best friend and we were supposed to share everything  
**KYLE**  
*You’re  
Are you seriously trying to guilt-trip me right now?  
**STAN**  
please dude!!!  
I have to tell them  
Or I'm gonna look like a fucking dumbass  
Clyde’s never gonna let me live this down!  
Please  
Help me out bro  
Please just tell me  
Please  
I really need to know  
Please Kyle!!!  
**KYLE**  
Look, even if I wanted to tell you (and I'm not saying I do), it's not like I know this off the top of my head.  
**STAN**  
Oh yeah right :\  
Like you never measured it before  
Everyones measured their own dick at least once  
It's just what you do k  
**KYLE**  
I honestly don't know.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhhh just go grab a ruler???

_7:25 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude?

_7:27 PM_

**KYLE**  
[image]  
**STAN**  
WTF  
**KYLE**  
Will you leave me alone now?  
**STAN**  
Holy shit dude  
I almost dropped my phone  
You didn't gotta show me a pix  
I just needed a number!  
How am I even supposed to tell how big it is???  
**KYLE**  
I provided you with the resources; you do the legwork. I hope I've sufficiently helped your research.

_7:54 PM_

**STAN**  
Ok dude wtf  
If you didn't wanna tell me you coulda just say no  
You didn't needa send me a fake pix  
**KYLE**  
I have no idea what you're accusing me of.  
**STAN**  
That's so totally not your dick  
**KYLE**  
How would you know? You've never seen it.  
**STAN**  
Alright you ready? Cuz I went Sherlock Holmes all over it  
**KYLE**  
Bring it.  
**STAN**  
Ok first thing first you're not the kinda dude that shaves their pubes k that's just not you  
Second the hair on the arm? Too blonde! You have red hair  
Third nails look bad I know for a fact you manicure and shit cuz you're a neat freak  
Finally the icing on the cake of lies you're Jewish dude your dick should be cut  
How's that?  
You think you could fool me??? think again asshole

_8:03 PM_

**STAN**  
Can't say anything huh??? Cuz I got you!!!!  
**KYLE**  
No, I just had to take a moment and debate whether or not to refute your deductions and prove how weak they are.  
But I decided I should throw you a bone (pun intended) and confess that yes, yes, it is a fake picture.  
**STAN**  
AH HA  
**KYLE**  
I applaud your investigation. It must have been long and hard.  
**STAN**  
SHHHH shut your filthy mouth  
You lied to me bro  
Like that's not cool  
We were supposed to be honest and shit but nah you just straight up try to screw me over with a fake dick  
Not cool  
So not cool  
**KYLE**  
All right, I admit it was terrible of me to trick you, and I am sorry.  
Is it really that necessary for you to know?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude  
I been trying to tell you that for like 10 minutes  
**KYLE**  
Do you really want to see my dick?  
**STAN**  
Dude  
Can you like not put it that way  
Like c’mon  
**KYLE**  
Do you?  
**STAN**  
For the record you're a fucking asshole  
I hope you fall into the toilet on top of a lump of your own shit so much fucking a lot  
**KYLE**  
So you don't?  
**STAN**  
I wanna see your dick  
**KYLE**  
You may not.  
**STAN**  
Fuck you  
Fuck you  
Fucccccccck youuuuuuuuuu  
**KYLE**  
At least buy me dinner first.  
**STAN**  
FUCKKKKKKKK YOU  
Fine  
Wev  
I don't need you  
I’ll just tell the guys my best friend Kyle won't help me so they can just rip on me for the rest of my life  
It's all good  
Thanks man  
Thank you so much  
I see what kind of friend you are now  
**KYLE**  
I still don't understand what you could possibly need that information for.  
**STAN**  
And now you don't ever get to

_8:11 PM_

**KYLE**  
What kind of inane competition is that? Averaging the size of you and your best friend’s dick size to see which duo has the highest number?  
How extremely bored are you or is your collective male ego that fragile?  
**STAN**  
WHO TOLD YOU  
KENNY???  
IM GONNA STRANGLE HIM  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, no way I'm participating in that colossal waste of time.  
Besides, according to him, he has it in the bag.  
**STAN**  
Only cuz of Marj!! If it was 1 on 1 I would wipe the floor with him!!  
But doesn't matter!! I'm never gonna win cuz you won't lemme!  
**KYLE**  
On one hand, I admire the tightness of your group that you can so openly exchange that level of personal information.  
On the other, what the actual fuck is wrong with all of you? I don't want to be associated with any of you.  
**STAN**  
Winners get 100 bucks dude  
We can split that...  
**KYLE**  
Well, I hope Kenny and Marjorine buy something nice for themselves.  
**STAN**  
Oh dude shit I get it now  
Took me s while but I got it all figured out now  
You got a tiny dick huh  
It's cool bro  
We might still beat Bradley and Kevin  
They only average out at 4.4 inches  
**KYLE**  
Oh, Stan, you poor thing.  
I've seen your dick. It's not going to beat 4.4 inches.  
**STAN**  
ONLY CUZ YOURE DRAGGING US DOWN  
Dude can you just please???  
PleaseV?????  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
FINE  
IM DEMOTING YOU FROM BFF STATUS TO TRASH TURD STATUS  
I'll just  
Fuck  
Pair up with Scott or something  
Oh god  
We're gonna lose  
**KYLE**  
Don't feel bad. You never even stood a chance.

_9:38 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey whose dick is it  
I mean did you just pull it off google or something?  
**KYLE**  
Oh, that? It's Kenny’s.  
**STAN**  
Shut the fuvk up  
It's not  
**KYLE**  
Shaved, blond, bad nails? You tell me, Sherlock.  
**STAN**  
FHUCK. OY  
NO ITS NOT  
SHUT UP  
FUCK TOY  
BOTH OF YO  
WHY DO TYO EVEN HAVE THAT  
WAIT Don't answer  
Cuz I know is not his  
No way you would have that and no way you made me look. At it  
You made me look at my roommates dick  
Kennys dick  
Niooo  
LMAO FUCK FHATA NOT REAL  
**KYLE**  
I don't know what to tell you.  
**STAN**  
Brb  
Gotta get some bleach and burn my eyes out  
**KYLE**  
You might want to pour some in your ear too to cleanse your brain.  
**STAN**  
I hate you  
You know that?  
I hate you  
**KYLE**  
You love me.  
**STAN**  
YOU WISH

 

_Mon, Aug 15, 1:22 PM_

**KYLE**  
Are you at the dog park again? Why do I have 16 snaps?

_1:27 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan? Where are you? What's going on?  
**STAN**  
Hey!!!! Oh good you got my snaps :D  
We’re taking down that nasty BBQ place in Shi Tpa Town!!!  
**KYLE**  
The one that has live cattles?  
**STAN**  
YEAH!!! We’re gonna shutting it D O W N!  
**KYLE**  
How? What’s happening over there?  
**STAN**  
K remember how I ran into Wendy the other day outside and she was collecting signatures and stuff for the petition?  
**KYLE**  
I recall.  
**STAN**  
Yeah so they handed the petition over to the owner a few days ago but he didn’t give a shit so she texted me last night and told me how they’re doing an actual protest today and if I wanted to come help  
So I came  
So here I am lol  
Wendy and her friends have been here since they opened this morning  
Bebe is here too but she doesn’t wanna talk to me lol  
It’s cool tho there’s not a lot of time to talk anyways  
Dude my throat is so dry from chanting  
But there’s lot of people it’s a pretty good turnout!  
**KYLE**  
Aren’t you supposed to be at school right now?  
**STAN**  
Uh obvs i ditched  
This is way more important??  
**KYLE**  
School's important too.  
**STAN**  
Dude don’t get all up in my case k  
You know how much helping animals means to me  
**KYLE**  
I know, but I don’t like it happening at the expense of your education.  
**STAN**  
Man back off you aren’t my mom  
**KYLE**  
I know. Thank God. What an awful job that must be.  
All the props to Mrs. Marsh.  
**STAN**  
My mom is the best :)  
C’mon dude are you seriously like pissed or something?  
It’s just a one time thing  
It’s not like I’m gonna ditch every day  
I mean  
I kinda wanna tbh  
**KYLE**  
Just try.  
**STAN**  
I’m not!!  
Geez pull that stick out your ass!!!!  
**KYLE**  
I want you to stay in school. I want you to graduate and get a good job. Once you start making enough money, I want you to go back and get your DVM degree.  
**STAN**  
Damn your like planning out my future lol  
What's a DMV?  
DMV  
DVM!!!  
**KYLE**  
I want you to become a veterinarian.  
**STAN**  
Oh damn  
We talked about that before  
Idk man  
You think I can really do that? I mean it's like a lot  
It's tons of school and studying  
And tbh the only thing I learn so far from school is i'm shit at studying  
**KYLE**  
It’ll be hard in the beginning but it'll pay off. Think of what you’ll achieve at the end.  
**STAN**  
I guess :\  
Idk  
Let's see if I can even make it through this quarter lol  
**KYLE**  
You will. I'll be here to help you.  
**STAN**  
So is that like you offering to do my paper and stuff or ?????  
**KYLE**  
No, fuck off, do your own work. Earn your own way.  
**STAN**  
You're not being very helpy  
**KYLE**  
Helpy? Seriously? Can you go and get back to class already?  
**STAN**  
Cows don't care about grammar dude  
They don't judge me like SOMEBODY does  
And they're so soft?? I never thought cows would be soft  
And their eyes are so expressive??? It's like they wanna talk to me  
**KYLE**  
They probably want to tell you to leave them alone.  
**STAN**  
I just wanna hold them forever  
**KYLE**  
Stan, stop harassing the cows and get back to campus. You can still make it to Psych.  
**STAN**  
UFH FINE  
Lemme say bye to Wendy and tell her mY NOT MOM is being a pain in the ass  
**KYLE**  
A pain in the ass that only wants what's best for you.  
**STAN**  
Yghfhdhdhfh I guess  
**KYLE**  
You guess?  
**STAN**  
I know you care  
Thanks mom  
**KYLE**  
You're welcome, honeyboo.  
**STAN**  
Yuck  
Gross :P

 

_Tues, Aug 16, 10:08 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, are you there? I need to talk to you.

_10:22 PM_

**STAN**  
Hey dude yeah I was just grabbing a snack  
What's up?  
**KYLE**  
I don't know how to say it but please promise you won't freak out.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh k? What's going on???  
**KYLE**  
It's Elway. He got hurt.  
**STAN**  
What do you mean?? What happened? Is he ok???  
**KYLE**  
I don't know. He's in surgery right now. We're at the ER vet.  
**STAN**  
What the hell  
What happened  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry.  
I'm so sorry. It’s my fault  
**STAN**  
Dude Kyle what the fuck happened?  
**KYLE**  
He was whining so I thought he needed to go. I left out him in the yard and I wasn't watching him. I didn't think anything would happen. I didn't know there are actually fuckinh coyotes here. We've never seen them before.  
**STAN**  
Holy shit  
He got bit???  
**KYLE**  
I'm so sorry  
I didn't know it was going to happen  
I shojdlve kept a eye on him  
**STAN**  
Is he ok?  
**KYLE**  
I don't know  
I don't know he's been there for a whole now  
I'm so fucking terrified  
I'm so sorry Stan  
**STAN**  
Dude it's fine calm down  
It's not your fault  
Who the fuck would've thoughts there are coyotes in the city  
**KYLE**  
There was so much blood  
It's on on my jacket  
His blood is on my jacket  
**STAN**  
Kyle hey c’mon It's ok  
Just calm down  
Elway’s gonna be fine  
**KYLE**  
What if he doesn't make iy  
**STAN**  
Shhh don't say things like that!!  
He's tough boy!! He's gonna walk out there good as new  
**KYLE**  
I'm so sorry  
I can't believe I let his happen  
**STAN**  
Don't worry k???  
Our dog is gonna fine  
We're not giving up on him ok?  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
My chest hurts. I feel like I'm going to throw up.  
**STAN**  
Take some deep breaths  
He needs you to be strong k?  
Think good things  
He's gonna be fine  
We both know it  
**KYLE**  
Okay.  
I'm sorry, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Dude not your fault  
Stop saying sorry!  
It's fine  
Just don't scare yourself cool?  
You need anything?  
**KYLE**  
Stay with me.  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude I'm here

 

_Wed, Aug 17, 2:07 AM_

**KYLE**  
He stabilized.  
**STAN**  
He's ok????)  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I think so. He's still sedated right now, but his vital are good. He’ll stay here overnight and we’ll transfer him to his vet in the morning for further observation.  
**STAN**  
Oh thank god!!!!  
Did you see him???  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I did.  
Fuck. It hurts. There is so much shit hooked up to him.  
**STAN**  
I know dude :(  
But he's ok and that's what matters now!!!  
**KYLE**  
I'm sorry, Stan. I should've taken better care of him.  
**STAN**  
No man don't do that to yourself  
You're great to him  
You always been  
Shit happens man  
it's scary as hell but you just gotta do the best you can  
He's fine thanks to you  
**KYLE**  
He wouldn't have gotten hurt if I paid more attention.  
God. What the fuck was I thinking?  
I could've lost him.  
**STAN**  
Hey stop that  
Don't go moping around feeling sorry for yourself  
That's not you  
The Kyle I know get his shit together and do better next time  
Elway's not gonna blame you dude  
Just be good to him like you always been  
That's all he cares about  
**KYLE**  
I hope so. I'm not letting him leave my sight ever again.  
**STAN**  
lol maybe not that extreme  
He's fine now! Stop beating yourself up k cool?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I'll try.  
**STAN**  
Get some rest bro  
I bet you're running on fumes  
**KYLE**  
I will. We're going home now. My brain is fried.  
**STAN**  
Keep me posted on how he's doing and stuff  
And take care of yourself too man! The last thing we need is you stressing yourself out and getting sick  
You know what a fragile bubble boy you're :P  
**KYLE**  
I'm not that fragile… But you're right. I need to look after myself too.  
I'll text you when I wake up, okay?  
**STAN**  
Yeah just rest man  
It's gonna be all good 

_7:08 AM_

**KYLE**  
Our dog?  
**STAN**  
Huh?  
**KYLE**  
You said Elway is our dog.  
**STAN**  
Ummm yeah??? I'm his godfather!!!  
**KYLE**  
It sounds like we own him together.  
**STAN**  
Lol it does? I mean I know it doesn't make sense cuz I never get to help out or anything but I kinda really do think he's mine too?  
If that's cool with you I mean  
Like we found him together and named him and stuff and idk man  
You probably think I'm being dumb but I just wanna look after him too you know?  
And I'm gonna totally help with him and everything when you guys are home!!  
**KYLE**  
What if the other puppies make fun of him?  
**STAN**  
For what???  
**KYLE**  
For having two daddies.  
**STAN**  
Pfffttttt who gives a shit??? Let them!!  
He has two daddies that love him so much  
How can that be a bad thing???  
**KYLE**  
It's not.  
**STAN**  
Exactly :)  
**KYLE**  
I can't wait to see you, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Me too dude!

 

_Thurs, Aug 18, 6:18 PM_

**KYLE**  
He keeps kicking in his sleep. Is that normal? Do you think he's in pain?  
**STAN**  
Hmm he's probably just dreaming!  
Don't freak yourself out  
**KYLE**  
He whines too. That's bad, isn't it?  
**STAN**  
lol omg you're totally one of those overprotective parents  
Got it from your mom i bet :P  
He's fine! Dogs whine and whimper in their sleep  
It's like people sleep talking and stuff  
it's totally normal  
**KYLE**  
Are you sure? He's not really himself.  
**STAN**  
Well yeah lol  
I mean I bet he's still in shock and hurts everywhere but he's gonna be ok!  
Just give him lots of love and don't shit your pants at every little thing  
**KYLE**  
I guess I might be overreacting a little…  
**STAN**  
You totally are  
Just stay calm!  
You’re supposed to be the one with the cool head lol  
**KYLE**  
I’m trying…  
By the way, given what happened, we're going to postpone moving back.  
**STAN**  
Aww damn that sucks but yeah I figure :\  
That’s probably for the best  
How long are you pushing it back? Is your work cool with that?  
**KYLE**  
They weren't exactly happy, but I explained it was a family emergency and I had no choice. They were fairly understanding.  
For now, I'm thinking maybe a week or so. It would depend on how fast he recovers. I don't want him flying in this state.  
**STAN**  
Dude I'm telling you  
Road trip  
Me you Kenny and Elway  
I saw a movie like this once  
**KYLE**  
Don't tempt me. Especially since those assholes at the airline is charging an arm and a leg to revise my tickets.  
**STAN**  
DUDE IKR??? They wouldn't refund me cuz it was like a discounted deal or wev  
I couldn't even get credits!!!  
**KYLE**  
Shit. I'm sorry, Stan. Like I said, I'll pay you back for it.  
**STAN**  
Nah don't worry dude it's not s big deal  
Plus you got Elway's bills to take care  
Oh hey btw if you need help with that just lemme know  
I don't have a lot but I’ll do what I can do  
**KYLE**  
You don't have to do that. I wouldn't feel right taking your money, especially considering you're already out a couple hundred dollars because of me.  
**STAN**  
Why not? He's my dog too ;)  
And seriously don't worry about the tickets!  
I mean it sucks but eh  
I'm still happier having you back lol  
**KYLE**  
I'll make it up to you, okay?  
**STAN**  
lol k sure?  
Sucks things went bad tho  
I was getting really pumped seeing you next Friday  
**KYLE**  
So was I. This week is going to drag on forever.  
**STAN**  
It’s gonna be over before we know it tho!  
Oh shit man we gotta figure out what to do when you're home!  
Like what's the first thing we should do  
I mean you're gonna come right over right???  
**KYLE**  
Of course. I will as soon as my mom will release me.  
**STAN**  
K cool  
What do you wanna do???  
**KYLE**  
I have a few things in mind.  
**STAN**  
??????  
Like what????  
**KYLE**  
You'll see.  
**STAN**  
:0  
Wtf so mysterious lol  
Am I gonna like it???  
**KYLE**  
I would really hope so.  
**STAN**  
K lol I trust you  
I'm so glad you took the job man  
I'm so glad you got it!!!  
It was so worth nagging my mom about it for days lol  
**KYLE**  
What do you mean? What were you nagging her for?  
**STAN**  
I hounded her to put in a good word for you duh  
**KYLE**  
How? What did you do?  
**STAN**  
Well I didn't do anything? Lol  
I just told her lots of good things about you and told her to tell her friend to tell her husband to tell HR  
Give them a super good impression and stuff after your interview you know :D  
**KYLE**  
Why the hell would you do that? What the fuck were you thinking?  
**STAN**  
Uhhhh  
Wtf  
Why are you mad  
**KYLE**  
Do you have any idea what you've done?  
**STAN**  
No? I don't  
Wtf is going on  
**KYLE**  
I was supposed to have gotten this job on my own. Now you're telling me you were pulling strings behind my back for me? How the fuck is that different from what my mom did?  
**STAN**  
Can you chill dude??  
It's not even like 100% for sure they gsve you the offer cuz of that???  
It probably didn't even do anything  
I mean they hired you cuz you're good not cuz of some stupid housewife word of mouth  
**KYLE**  
It doesn't matter. You shouldn't have fucking done that in the first place.  
**STAN**  
Why does it even matter???  
Like no one in the history of the world ever had a friend help them get a job???  
It's like super normal??? Everyone does it??  
**KYLE**  
I can't believe you don't understand what you did.  
**STAN**  
No dude I get it  
You wanna do everything on your own cuz you think you can't rely on anyone  
But it's not like it's the end of the world if if you let someone help you out every now and then  
Stop thinking you're like above help and shit  
**KYLE**  
You completely ruined everything. I can't talk to you right now.  
**STAN**  
Are you fucking for real right now?  
You're seriously passed off about this??  
Pissed* off  
This is fucking unbelievable  
Dude ok fine i'm sorry I told my mom to help  
I'm sorry if you think I messed things up for you  
Like I said it might not have even done shit

_6:34 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
Seriously?  
C’mon!

_7:48 PM_

**STAN**  
K fine  
Throw your hissy fit you fucking baby  
**KYLE**  
Don't talk to me.  
**STAN**  
Aww c’mon dude  
Grow the fuck up!  
You’re being way too dramatic about this!  
It’s not a big deal!!!!!

_8:54 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
Come on  
I'm sorry dude 

_9:16 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
Come on!

_11:11 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle?


	15. pull the trigger, kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> image not shown: confused nick young
> 
> ONE more chapter to go...

_Fri, Aug 19, 1:08 PM_

**STAN**  
YOU KNOW WHAT  
This is horse fucking bullshit  
Horse fucking bullshit!

_3:25 PM_

**STAN**  
Come on dude!

_6:47 PM_

**STAN**  
DUDE  
COME ON

 

_Sat, Aug 20, 10:15 AM_

**STAN**  
You're an asshole  
You google asshole and your pix is the first thing it pulls up

_10:18 AM_

**STAN**  
I don't mean like your actual asshole  
But your FACE  
You're an asshole

_11:23 AM_

**STAN**  
Look I didn't mean to call you an asshole  
Even though you’re totally being one right now

_8:11 PM_

**STAN**  
DUDE  
Seriously  
Seriously again with this???  
Talk to me please

 

_Sun, Aug 21, 12:31 PM_

**STAN**  
So I ran into Jesus today after church and I told him what’s going on  
And even he was like  
Dude that’s totally not chill  
Like it even says in the bible  
Don’t ignore your bro, bro  
Not even making this up  
It’s right there  
Not in those exact words but the idea is there

_6:48 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
Kyle  
C’mon

 

_Mon, Aug 22, 3:13 PM_

**STAN**  
You know you're being such a hypocrite right now  
You were the one who's all like a healthy relationship needs honest communication and shit so why you aren't even COMMUNICATE WITH ME???  
How the fuck can I know how to fix this if you don't tell me!!!

 

_Tues, Aug 23, 6:08 AM_

**STAN**  
This is getting old man!  
Come on  
PLEASE

_4:11 PM_

**STAN**  
kyle bb ur being a brat  
u need to talk to stanley kk?  <3

_5:48 PM_

**STAN**  
That was Kenny  
No damn it I lied  
It wasn’t  
It was me pretending to be him  
See how desperate I am??

 

_Wed, Aug 24, 7:36 AM_

**STAN**  
Can you just come out with it already??  
Just get it over with what's pissing you off so much  
I can't do this anymore  
Call me a sackless piece of shit  
Pinch me in the nuts  
Make me give you my limited edition Broncos lamp  
Whatever you want  
I don’t care  
I'll give it to you  
I just can't do this silent treatment shit

 

_Thurs, Aug 25, 1:15 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
I'm really sorry okay?  
I really am  
I'm sorry I messed things up for you and screwed up your plan  
I just got really excited and I really wanted to help so I just got in over my head and jumped the gun  
I didn't know you would take it so bad  
I mean I should have  
It wasn't right what I did  
It was my bad  
I just wanted to help  
Tell me how to make this ok man  
You want me to call and tell them to ignore everything anyone said about you?  
Tell them you're an useless twig??  
Just tell me what to do  
Kyle  
Please  
I want to fix this for you

 

_Fri, Aug 26, 12:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
Please  
I'm so lost  
I don't know what to do  
Tell me  
I'll do anything

 

_Sat, Aug 27, 11:32 PM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, I have something to say.  
**STAN**  
KYLE  
ARE YOU NOT PISSED AT ME ANYMORE  
**KYLE**  
I shouldn’t have been in the first place. You were trying to do something nice for me. Even if the end result wasn't ideal, I should've at least been more appreciative of your effort. I'm very sorry for ignoring you as long as I did. That was immature and counterproductive.  
You're right; we need to have honest communication.  
**STAN**  
It’s cool dude  
Don't even sweat it with the sorry s  
I was really just trying to help  
That’s all I wanted to do  
Even if I did it wrong I just wanted to help you  
You know that right???  
**KYLE**  
I do.  
**STAN**  
I’m sorry I fucked things up  
So tell me what I can do to fix this  
Fix us  
**KYLE**  
You don't need to do anything. I need to figure this out on my own.  
**STAN**  
:(  
You aren't going to let me help?  
**KYLE**  
I need to do this on my own.  
**STAN**  
But why?  
**KYLE**  
Because you aren’t the problem. I am.  
**STAN**  
Huh?????  
Idgi???  
Dude  
What are you saying  
What are you doing  
I don’t like this  
**KYLE**  
Firstly, I wanted to apologize and say how sorry I am for the way I’ve behaved in all regards.  
**STAN**  
Dude no  
What the fuck  
**KYLE**  
Please listen.  
I’m sorry I lashed out at you. It wasn’t your fault. Your heart was in the right place. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I was frustrated and upset, but that frustration and anger shouldn't have been directed at you.  
**STAN**  
Dude stop it  
I'm ok  
I'm over it  
Can we just put this behind us and like move on?  
This makes me really scary  
*scared  
**KYLE**  
I don't know how to move past this. I don't know if I could.  
**STAN**  
Tell me what to do Kyle  
I'll do everything to make it ok  
I'm super cereal  
Everything  
**KYLE**  
I appreciate the thought but at this point, there's nothing you can do.  
**STAN**  
No way  
I don't buy it  
There's gotta be some things  
Kyle why are you being like this???

 

_11:43 PM_

**KYLE**  
I'm in love with you.  
**STAN**  
Uh  
Typo?  
**KYLE**  
No. I'm in love with you, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Typo?  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Oh  
Shit  
Seriously?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Shit  
Seriously?  
**KYLE**  
Yes.  
**STAN**  
Holy shit  
Seriously?  
No a joke?  
Did KENNY HACK YOUR PHONE  
**KYLE**  
I know it’s a lot to take in.  
**STAN**  
I had no idea  
I don't even know what to say  
Are you sure?  
I mean I never knew  
You never came off that way  
**KYLE**  
I know this is sudden and probably overwhelming, but please listen to what I have to say. I need to get it all off my chest.  
**STAN**  
K go  
I’m listen

 

_Sun, Aug 28, 12:02 AM_

**KYLE**  
Before we met, I was so complacently content with where I was going. It wouldn't have been astonishing, but it would've been enough. Then you happened. Like an overused cliche plotline, you and your serendipitous stupid dick picture changed everything, and I was deliriously happy to go along with it.  
You made me admit how dissatisfying my life had been and how much I’d resent myself down the line if I allowed it to continue. You made me want to live. Really, actually fucking live. With you. Because of you. Instead of just getting by and lying to myself that this is what I wanted.  
You inspired me. You made me want to do so much more. Believed there was even so much more to begin with. Everything about you was a newfound opportunity and I wanted to seize them all. I wanted to take risks I would've never considered before, no matter how reckless they are.  
I fell so quickly and hopelessly I didn't even notice where you were leading me until I was on the verge of giving up everything I built for myself here. I was ready to leave it all behind and take this leap. A leap that I hope would bring me closer to you and maybe make you understand how crucial you've become to my existence.  
**STAN**  
Shit  
Shit i don’t know what os ay  
**KYLE**  
It’s fine. I know it’s hard to fathom. Sometimes, I can’t even believe the grip you have on me. I mean, hell, I never even met you. The now you. But it's there, and right now, it's suffocating me. I’m terrified. I can’t do this to you or myself.  
**STAN**  
What??? why is it a bad thing??  
**KYLE**  
Because of the way it has manifested itself at this moment. I fear my feelings for you have more than once influenced my behavior in a negative way.  
**STAN**  
K can you say this in words I can understand??  
You always been good to me!!!  
**KYLE**  
Not always.  
**STAN**  
You always looked out for me  
Even when you’re being a jerk you wanted what’s best for me  
**KYLE**  
It doesn't excuse my method.  
I truly am sorry for what I had done and said that offended and hurt you.  
**STAN**  
Stop  
This is stupid  
**KYLE**  
I know my words aren’t enough to make up for it, but I hope you at least know I’m full of sincere regret.  
**STAN**  
Cut that shit out  
I'm fucking serious  
You're starting to pisse me for now  
What are you even talking about??  
When did you even do anything??  
**KYLE**  
To be honest, I think I have or at least attempted to manipulate you.  
**STAN**  
Sounds fake  
The fuck is going on  
**KYLE**  
I hated the thought of you being with Gary. I wanted to tell you to break up with him so badly.  
**STAN**  
Uhhh but you DIDNT???  
You legit said you can't decide that for me  
What the hell  
I don't understand  
**KYLE**  
But I wanted to.  
**STAN**  
SO???????  
**KYLE**  
You were in a vulnerable place and I wanted to take advantage of you for my own selfishness. And that's not the only instance. My actions were despicable and I'm sorry again.  
**STAN**  
Ok apology accepted????? I forgive you??? Is that all??  
**KYLE**  
Thank you. That means a lot.  
**STAN**  
So we good now???  
Back to normal??  
**KYLE**  
I think it’d be best for both of us if we take a break. I need time to reorganize my thoughts and figure where I should go from here, and I think I need to remove myself from you so you can have the chance to do the same.  
As it stands right now, this is not the me I want you to know.  
**STAN**  
And what about me??  
Who the fuck says it’s ok for you to ditch me??  
You don’t get to decide that on our own  
*uoit  
YOUR OWN  
It has to go both ways  
**KYLE**  
I know. I’m being selfish again. I just really need the time and clarity.  
**STAN**  
Why??? What's there to clarify  
We're fine? We're fine??  
Stop being so ducking dramatic  
Stop saying sort Tu  
What happened to no kids gloves? You didn't hurt me or nothing  
You wanted what's good for me right?  
That's NOT A BAD THING  
**KYLE**  
I tried to use your vulnerability to advance my own interests.  
**STAN**  
K even you’re saying it you TRIED  
You didn’t  
Dude c’mon this is way over the top even for you  
It doesn't gotta be like this  
It's not a big deal?? It sounds to me you're just like idk  
Coming up with excuses  
Like to get away from me  
If you don't wanna be friends anymore just say so  
You don't needa make yourself a bad guy  
**KYLE**  
I’m sorry. This is for the better.  
**STAN**  
Dude no  
Fuck that  
Not better  
Way worse  
The fucking worst  
**KYLE**  
Take care of yourself please. I hope we can talk again someday when I can be a better person for you.  
**STAN**  
No stop  
**KYLE**  
Good bye, Stan.

_12:18 AM_

**STAN**  
Pick up my call kyle  
Kyle  
Wat the fuck  
What the hell  
Pick up

 

_Mon, Aug 29, 4:48 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle c’mon  
You done being a drama queen yet?  
You aren't gonna fall outta love with me by ignoring me dude  
I'm too awesome  
Once you're in there's no getting out

 

_Tues, Aug 30, 7:13 AM_

**STAN**  
You really gonna do this?  
Well two can play at that game  
You wanna ignore me?  
Not gonna let it happen  
You're never gonna get rid of me  
I told you that before  
Never

 

_Wed, Aug 31, 12:34 PM_

**STAN**  
Actually made it to work on time today dude  
It was a close call too  
Mr Donovan walked in like two seconds after I clocked in I swear  
I feel like he was waiting for me o_o  
I think I should go look for something else what do you think?  
I mean I thought since it was Clyde’s dad place it would be easy? Like I could get away with stuff?  
But I think I'm just making him hate me and I don't want Clyde having a hard time cuz of me you know?  
Dude that was like super mature of me isn't it  
I'm growing up dude lol  
I don't wanna sell shoes anymore man  
Dealt with enough stinky ass feet to last me a whole life  
I really can't drop out and do the activist thing?  
I can go back to school later you know???  
Or maybe never  
Depending how things go… ;D  
I'm just kidding  
I promised you I'll stick to it so I'm gonna  
Cuz Stan Marsh don't break promises  
You can take that to the bank

 

_Thurs, Sep 1, 8:13 AM_

**STAN**  
So guess what??  
We all pooled in and paid for Kenny and Marj’s honeymoon :D  
They're going to Hawaii!  
It's only for the weekend but it's still pretty good right?  
Well I bet he told you already but like I wanted to tell you too  
Token put in most of it lol but like everyone chipped in and it was awesome man  
Marj was like crying their eyes out  
Don't tell anyone I told you but Kenny was like getting teary eyed too  
I don't think I ever seen him get so emotional  
Like he always been the one that hides everything you know what I mean?  
Literally sometimes cuz he got that damn parka he likes that covers half his face  
I bet he showed you before too  
It smells like a skunk humped it I'm not even kidding  
But anyways like that's the thing with the guys  
We all can be asses to each other and break each other’s bones but when it comes down to it we step UP for each other  
I guess that's how it goes when you know each other forever huh  
You would like them dude  
They might rip on you for being a snotty bookworm but I think they'll like you too  
You gotta meet them soon

 

_Fri, Sep 2, 7:53 AM_

**STAN**  
Dude I just woke up  
I totally had a dream about you  
Or uh with you in it lol  
It's all kinda a blur and I forgot most of it now but I think we were at a water park?  
But like these little kids kept peeing in the pool and omg you have this really weird thing against pee  
Like the sight of it makes you hurl your guts out  
And like dude idek what or how it happened but there was a pee tsunami???  
Like legit 50 feet high tower of pee coming down on us  
It was everywhere  
Pee on everything  
You were so grossed out lmao  
I know so random right?  
I like the one with Mecha Streisand better  
Oh shit!! Wait!!!  
I think I know why I had that dream now  
It's cuz you told me you like watersport  
I mean I know you don't actually like it but my brain probs just puts you two together lol  
You aren't really into that right?  
No golden shower stuff right?  
Right?  
Please say yes

 

_Sat, Sep 3, 7:38 PM_

**STAN**  
So hey uh  
Guess what?  
I did it  
I came out to my family  
It went… really good?  
There were some hugs and like no one threatened to disown me or anything  
It was actually super chill and almost like  
What's the word  
You would know ugh  
Anti climatic!  
I mean I knew Shelly wasn't gonna give a crap and I knew my mom was gonna be cool about it no matter what but my dad  
Dude that was the surprise part  
He didn't like make it weird or a joke outta it or anything or try to tell me it's only a phrase like I started going vegan  
He was actually being a dad about it  
Like supportive and stuff  
He was all like I know this can be a confusing time and he wants to be there for me and stuff  
Idk if I really believe him or if I'm ever gonna go to him but yeah  
That was pretty cool  
Waaaaaaaaaay better than I expected  
I been thinking I'm really lucky so many people in my life cares about me you know?  
Like so many other people out there don't even have one person they can count on  
But I got my mom and Shells and my dad  
And Kenny and Marj and the guys  
And you  
I'm so fucking lucky dude  
I'm not gonna take it for granted  
I swear

 

_Sun, Sep 4, 9:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Friendly advice  
Canned dog food flavored jelly belly?  
Disgusting  
Terrible  
A bane against Mother Nature  
I can't believe we make our dogs eat that???  
Not jelly bellies  
Canned wet food  
HOW COULD WE DO THAT TO THEM WHEN THEY GIVE US NOTHING BUT LOVE  
This is why we don't deserve dogs  
I'm gonna make my own dog food from now on  
They deserve tasty yummy food  
Not glop in a can :T  
Ok lay down the truth would it be totally weird to feed the dogs at the dog park my food?  
Probably huh  
They might think I'm trying to poison them  
Not that I would ever  
People are paranoid and stuff  
I'll just stick to making it for Elway  
Is he more of a chicken or beef kinda dog?  
Oh why choose  
I’ll do both :D

 

_Mon, Sep 5, 1:16 PM_

**STAN**  
K you're totally gonna be pissed but I totally failed my English mid term  
BUT I SWEAR I studied!!!  
I made notecards and everything!!!  
But like dude my brain just went blank  
I think I have test anxiety  
That's a real thing right?  
It fucking blows man I tried so hard :\  
But good thing it's only like a quarter of my grade so I can still turn it around  
And she's giving me extra credits assignments to bring it up a bit too  
But ugh dude  
My first F in college :(  
I brought dishonor to my cow

 

_Tues, Sep 6, 4:13 PM_

**STAN**  
Did you see me on the news????????????!  
Holy shit!! Omg it was such an adrenaline rush!!!  
This is what I'm talking about Kyle!!!!!’  
Not school  
THIS  
Fighting corporate greed  
Saving animals  
What real heroes do!!!!  
I mean I almost died slipping off the roof  
But I saved those poor test animals  
I  
Me  
It was ME dude  
I saved them  
OH SHIT did you see Wendy?? IS SHE NOT REAL LIFE SUPERWOMAN!??  
She's officially my new idol  
Sorry John Elway, you’re awesome and everything but you are no Wendy Testaburger  
Dude I have like this profound sense of pepper in life right now  
*purpose  
I hope you’re proud of me!

 

_Wed, Sep 7, 11:09 PM_

**STAN**  
Well we were gonna throw Marj a surprise birthday party but Scott and his big fucking mouth ruined it  
Now I guess it's just gonna be a normal no surprise party  
I know you probably don't like parties with all the loud noises and drinking and hot make-outs but it would be cool if you could make it  
Green is your color isn't it  
I'll save you a green party hat :D

 

_Thurs, Sep 8, 11:40 AM_

**STAN**  
Awww fuck  
I overslept!!!! My alarm didn't go off????  
Fuck there was a psych test today  
I completely forgot  
Fuck!!!!

_1:25 PM_

**STAN**  
He won't lemme make it up  
Dickhead  
Shit  
What if I fail psych too  
Maybe it's a sign  
Like schools totally not meant for me  
It's a sign Kyle!!  
You gotta listen to the universe when it's talking to you

 

_Fri, Sep 9, 10:44 AM_

**STAN**  
Are you still there?  
It's raining  
I'm supposed to go with Kenny to the store for party stuff but I don't wanna get out of bed  
Is that ok

 

_Sat, Sep 10, 7:44 AM_

**STAN**  
Fuck I overslept  
Fuck Mr Donovan tore me a new one  
Fuck  
Fuck  
Everything

_3:45 PM_

**STAN**  
I feel like my body is not connected to my brain  
Why do I feel like this  
Everything was going ok  
Why this now  
I'm trying  
It's hard

_9:12 PM_

**STAN**  
Nevermind  
I'm ok now  
I'm ok

 

_Sun, Sep 11, 1:03 AM_

**STAN**  
Remember to wish Marjorine a happy birthday  
I mean  
You probably talk to them more than you talk to me now

 

_Mon, Sep 12, 6:21 AM_

**STAN**  
Hi  
Hi!  
Helloooooo  
From the other side  
Is it me you're looking for?

_8:03 PM_

**STAN**  
It's almost been a month

 

_Tues, Sep 13, 10:28 PM_

**STAN**  
I'm UNCOMFORTABLE  
Both my roommate are DOING IT  
THEY’RE SO LOUD  
ITS NOT A COMPETITION???  
They don't make the TV volume loud enough T_T  
I guess I can go for a walk but damn it's dark and cold  
HELP me

_10:42 PM_

**STAN**  
Ahhhgggghhhh  
I'm going back to my parents

_11:14 PM_

**STAN**  
MY PARENTS WERE DOING IT TOO  
WTF DID I MISS THE MEMO  
IS TODAY EVERYONE GETTING LAID DAY??

 

_Wed, Sep 14, 1:11 AM_

**STAN**  
I wish someone would shut me off

 

_Thurs, Sep 15, 12:54 AM_

**STAN**  
Do you think grass have feelings?  
Like do they feel pain?  
Is that why there are signs on the lawn telling you not to step on them cuz it hurts them?  
Have I been hurting them?  
Shit I got lots to think about now  
What about flowers? Do they hurt? Like on an emotional level  
Like that flower from that one game  
Maybe it just needed love?  
Am I a bad person denying them of it?  
Everything needs love right?  
Cockroaches even  
I'm sure on some level they understand the need for it

_1:51 AM_

**STAN**  
I'm not making any sense huh  
Roaches don't feel love

 

_Fri, Sep 16, 11:46 AM_

**STAN**  
Is it over?  
Are we over?

 

_Sat, Sep 17, 1:13 AM_

**STAN**  
Did I really Dick up that bad you don't ever wanna talk to em again  
I miss yo  
I miss yo khlw

_1:38 AM_

**STAN**  
why don't yin let me fix this  
I just wanted to do swooning nice for you

_2:08 AM_

**STAN**  
It's fine  
I get it now  
This was never about you and me  
There was never you and me  
Apiece of shit like me doesn't deserve anyone  
why did I ever think anyone would care about me  
All I'm is a waste of space  
Thanks for showing me again everyoje aroubd me wous be better if I was gone  
I thoguht tyiu care about me Kyle  
You're re lyijg wrnent you  
Just somthing to make me feel better cuz you think I'm so patheitc  
In love with me? Hash yeha right  
How would anyone love me  
No oneloves me  
I don't deserve it  
I don't deserve anyoje to care mr

_2:22 AM_

**KYLE**  
Stan, I'm worried about you. You need to stop drinking please.  
**STAN**  
I'm not drinking  
Im trxrijf  
Ar you ba k now  
Yiu aren't mad anymore right  
**KYLE**  
I'm not mad. I was never mad.  
I think you should get some water then lie down.  
**STAN**  
Kyle  
No listen  
I need you  
I nee dyou  
You love me don't you  
You're the only thing tat makes it hetter  
Make all the bad go away  
Come back pleas you can make everything ok  
Make me better again  
**KYLE**  
That's not how it works, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Kyle  
Listen  
Kyle  
Kule  
Wait  
No  
I love you  
I love you Kyle  
**KYLE**  
Please go lie down.  
**STAN**  
I love yoi love you I love you I loce yiu  
**KYLE**  
Stop it. Please.  
**STAN**  
Kyle i lobe yiu  
You can fix tme  
**KYLE**  
I can't fix you.  
I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself.  
**STAN**  
Kyle wait  
I lvoe you  
I love you  
I love you

_2:38 AM_

**STAN**  
I love you

 

_Fri, Sep 23, 5:15 PM_

**STAN**  
Ok here we go  
It's kinda a lot and a mess so lemme get through this as quickly as I can  
I did a lot of thinking and I wanted to say I'm sorry for not giving you the space you needed  
I was being pushy and not respecting what you need  
It's kinda sad when I think about it  
All the apologies we do  
But I want to believe that every trial is exactly that and we got over all of them so far  
This one is just a rougher one than what we dealt with before but I know we can make it  
That's a lot about me that's not good for myself and you right now and the same goes to you  
I know you feel the same way about both of us  
But for the record even if you think you were pulling my strings I never saw it that way  
You were important to me  
You still are  
I hope we can go back to the way we were but be better to each other  
Trying to grow together  
I don't know how to put into words what I feel for you but it's something rooted deep in me  
You taught me a lot about who I am and who I can be  
You believe in me when most people just baby and patronize me  
Yeah there were things you did and said I didn't like but you challenged me where I needed it  
God knows I'm not close to being where I wanna be but I wanna there soon cuz you showed me I can  
I signed up for counseling at school  
I hope it'll help and get me where I needa be  
It's gonna be long and hard but like I said there's a lot I don't like about who I am right now  
I'm the one who has to fix me  
I didn't wanna admit it but you're right  
Maybe it’s better if we took the time away from each other  
Reflect on ourselves  
Take a moment to breathe  
So tl;dr  
If you need time take as long as you need  
When you're ready I'll meet you where you are  
Wherever that may be  
It doesn't matter  
It's a road I can't wait to walk down with you  
So  
I guess that's all I wanna say right now  
Take care Kyle  
Good bye


	16. i'm like dropping hints that i love kyle / i love kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does Kenny text like that? We just don't know.

_Sun, Oct 2, 4:47 PM_

**STAN**  
goodness me! my poor sweet precious stanley puppy.  
how do u have the heart to ignore him for this long? there r tears in my eye just reading what he wrote to u. ｡･ﾟﾟ･( >д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡  
**KYLE**  
Damn it, Kenny. How did you get in again?  
**STAN**  
its stan were talking abt. his passcodes r super ez to guess. and he finally downloaded the emoji keyboard. (*・∀-)☆  
**KYLE**  
Well, you should get off. It’s not right for you to be on here. If you wanted to talk to me, you could text me from your own phone.  
Also, what he wrote to me is private. You shouldn’t be reading that.  
**STAN**  
okie okie fine! ¯\\_ಠ_ಠ_/¯  
just tell me how long r u going to keep doing this?  
**KYLE**  
I’m not doing anything.  
**STAN**  
**siiiigh** i didnt want to stick my perfect nose where it doesnt belong but this is making me angry too! (  >д<)  
**KYLE**  
And I won’t like you when you’re angry, right?  
**STAN**  
ding ding ding! u always were the smart one. (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑  
**KYLE**  
It’s complicated, Kenny. And more importantly, it’s between him and I.  
I know you care and worry about him, but I already told you… it’s best to leave this to the two of us.  
**STAN**  
u know~ every time his phone goes off, his eyes light up. he hopes its u. even tho he knows it wont be. the light is there every fucking time and it dies every fucking time.  
and and! sometimes at night when he thinks marjorine (♥) and i are asleep, he stares at his phone. its not even on. he just stares at the blank screen and waits.  
**KYLE**  
I honestly never meant to put him through this.  
**STAN**  
i told u b4: dont fuck him over~ and what r u doing to him rn? (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)  
**KYLE**  
You know how sorry I am...  
**STAN**  
lol~~ bb u r so cute! ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿  
sorries dont mean jackshit. u put him in this hell; u bring him out of it.  
**KYLE**  
I don’t know what you expect me to do. Fuck, I don’t even know what I can do. I’m not doing anything but I’m still hurting him.  
The best thing to do is let him get over it. That’s the only way.  
**STAN**  
its 5953.  
**KYLE**  
What is that?  
**STAN**  
his passcode.  
**KYLE**  
Why are you telling me?  
**STAN**  
ohohohooo u silly gingercookie~ look at ur keypad.  
**KYLE**  
Oh.  
Ha, I don't know if I should feel honored or guilty.  
**STAN**  
if I know 1 thing abt u is that u always do the right thing. even when its tough. even when the world is against u. u do the right thing no matter what.  
so start. u know in ur big beautiful heart what u need to do.  
if u r shy, i can tell him u were home this whole time so he can come find u instead? (*^▽^*)  
**KYLE**  
No. Don’t.  
Please.  
Let me do this at my own pace.  
**STAN**  
okie okie~ talk to him. for both of ur sake.  
i wont ask again. ( ˘ ³˘)♥

* * *

“So, uh, how long - uh - how long have you been back?”

When Kyle first imagined meeting Stan for the first time, he pictured a lot more smiling and laughing. Maybe even a hug or two slipped in between everything else. He wouldn’t have - couldn’t have - expected the strained uncomfortable conversation he is in now. The cordial distance between their physical bodies feels like a bottomless chasm. Every exchange of word takes too great an effort. Nothing feels natural. Nothing resembles the happy fantasy he created in his head.

And who could be blamed other than himself for leading them here?

In the quiet sideline of the dog park where they began this meeting. Elway is the only one unaffected by the tension. He’s snug at home on Stan’s laps with closed eyes and steady breathing, looking like that’s where he belongs all along.

“It’s coming close to two weeks,” Kyle answers and notes Stan’s shaky gulp almost immediately right after. “I came back when Elway was well enough to fly.”

“Oh, yeah, poor guy, that must have been rough.” Stan combs his fingers through Elway’s fur, lingering over the missing patches where fading wounds reside instead. “So, uh, are you - are you working now at that place? The job thing?”

Kyle nods with his eyes fixed on the ground. It does nothing to blind him from Stan’s sharp inhale. Stan’s breath is a knife to his ears. He matches it with his own harsh breath and goes on, “It’s nice there. The people are nice. Thanks for… bringing it up to me.”

Stan shakes his head and fiddles with something he finds amidst Elway’s fur. A blotch of dirt maybe. A knot of matted hair or something or another. “No, yeah, I didn’t do anything. That was all you, dude.”

“Well, you told me about the place so you’re welcome to take some credits.” Kyle meant to end on a high note. Punctuate his sentence with a laugh or even a smug smile. Instead, his face stiffens the same way Stan’s body goes rigid. The laughter doesn’t come.

Silence weeps in. Stan doesn’t say anything. Elway stirs and huffs, telling Stan to stop picking at his fur and focus on the Kyle’s taut breaths instead. The longer they don’t talk, the more Kyle’s lungs go haywire on oxygen intake. His heart thrashes against its ribcage, as if punishing him from inside. His arteries twist into shit and threaten to strangle him.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He never wanted them to be like this. They were supposed to be happy. Whatever the fuck happened to that?

“Stan,” Kyle starts. The name is heavy on his tongue. His next words are laced with regrets. “I’m so sorry. I honestly never wanted to hurt you the way I did.”

“Dude - don’t.” Stan jerks his head. His fingers stop scratching Elway’s ear. “It’s not - dude, you don’t need to say that.”

“No, I do. I was being a coward,” Kyle goes on regardless. He watches his feet as if they were a prompter. “I thought it’d be easy to run, but it wasn’t. I hated myself. I still hate myself for what I chose to do. I don’t expect you to forgive me. Hell, fuck, I’m not even sure what I’m doing here. I guess… I thought I should apologize in person. I owe you that much. I owe you a closure.”

“Kyle,” Stan cuts in. His voice, harsher than Kyle wants it to be. “Stop. I don’t want your fucking closure.”

“I’m sorry” slips out between Kyle’s lips.

Stan draws in a rough sigh then turns to face Kyle for the first time since they sat down. “Look, can we just - I don’t wanna do this, okay? I don’t. This whole saying sorry back and forth shit just fucking sucks. I don’t want your sorries or ‘I didn’t mean to’, dude.”

Kyle can’t pinpoint the moment he stops breathing. He figures it would probably be easier to look everywhere else but Stan’s face. Anywhere else to avoid the intensity of Stan’s gaze. But he locks onto Stan’s eyes instead. They’re more blue, he notices, and gleaming with more unfathomable sadness than the selfies led him to believe. He asks, “What would you like me to do instead?”

“Can we just admit we both fucked up and screwed each other over and made a huge fucking mess and just get over it?” Stan shrugs and makes it all seem so simple. “That’s all I wanna do, Kyle. I wanna move on. I don’t want to keep saying we’re sorry over and over and just get stuck there. And - I mean, I don’t wanna go back to how we were before either. I wanna go somewhere better. We were stupid and - just so fucking stupid with each other and could have did shit way better but we just need to fucking accept that, you know? We fucked up. Made each other’s life hell. But we both wanna do better so then we move on. That’s it. Can we do that?”

Kyle rakes his teeth over his lower lip. He nods, well-aware of the uncertainty on his face. It all seems too easy. He thought it would be far more convoluted and complicated. “That’s it?”

Stan furrows his brows and nods, as if he can’t understand why Kyle is still unsure. “Yeah, dude, that is it. What else do you want?”

“I thought… it’d take more. It would be a lot of healing and self-reflection.”

“Well, yeah, I guess, that too, I mean, it still fucking stings and it’s not gonna stop all of sudden, but dude, seriously, I’m ready,” Stan says. “It doesn’t have to be hard and stuff. Not everything has to be so dramatic, you know. Like we don’t need a 12-step plan to fix this. I wanna start again. Not over. Again. I don’t wanna reboot everything we went through, you know what I mean? Even the bad were good - and, and I know - I know this - this stupid fuckery bullshit is not where we should end. We shouldn’t be over.”

Always the over-thinker, Kyle presses his lips and asks, “How do we know it’ll be better this time around? You have to wonder… if it didn’t work the first time, could it work the second time around? How do we know we won’t end up in the same place we’re now?”

Stan blows a breath out and says, “Because you’re here. You’re here ‘cause you feel what I feel, right? No, yeah, we don’t know - we aren’t gonna know if it’s gonna be better this time around but I’m willing to bet it’s gonna be worth it. So? You wanna pick up where we left off? I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking excited to see where we can go.”

Kyle is floored at the way Stan’s words untangle everything. How his voice and the simplicity of all it make the noises in his head quiet down. Stop thinking it will end in failure. A happy ending needs to be fought for. Fight. “Yes, yes, I’d like that. I’d like that a lot. And I promise you that I’ll do better. I’ll communicate more. I want this restart, Stan. There is a lot I still want to work on with myself and I’ll keep doing it, but... I can’t wait to see where we’ll go either.”

“Eh, I’m not worried, dude, you’re totally gonna kill it,” Stan says. He exhales again and throws his head back. “Thank fuck that’s over. It fucking blows fighting with you. It’s, like, way too exhausting, dude, and you don’t even fight fair. You always just throw a hissy fit then just go offline. You totally need to learn a new trick.”

Kyle crinkles his nose and scoffs. “Would you rather we beat the shit out of each other and resolve our issues that way?”

“Yo dude, anytime you wanna throw down, come at me bro, meet me in the fucking pit. I rather do that than activate your silence treatment trap card.”

“Oh my god,” Kyle cringes. “Is this how you talk in person? Can you not put together so many memes in one sentence? I feel like half my brain cells died hearing that.”

“What’s wrong with the way I talk?” Stan frowns. “A lot of people thinks I’m totally awesome and cool, okay?”

“Who?” Kyle raises his brow. It astonishes him if he stops to think about it. How quickly they fall into rhythm. As if they’ve never been parted for a second in their whole life. “Your gran gran?”

“Yeah, dude, Gran Gran thinks I’m a rockstar, okay? You’re sounding hella jelly right now, you know.”

“I sincerely feel so sorry for the Marshes. I really do,” Kyle teases and parks into his first smile of the day.

“Oh ‘cause they’ll never be as awesome as I am? I know, right? It’s so sad,” Stan smirks. His face softens, however, a moment later. His eyes meet Kyle’s. Slowly, like the first break of light, a smile forms on his face. As cliched as it sounds, it breaches Kyle’s clouded heart and settles in to illuminate even the darkest corner. Its warmth tantalize Kyle’s every nerve. “Oh hey, dude, before I forget and get side-tracked, I wanted to say… Welcome home, Kyle.”

Home. Right.

This is what Stan feels like to him.

Home.

* * *

 

_Sat, Oct 8, 1:08 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
It’s fine  
It’s totally gonna be fine  
Don’t freak out  
We’re just gonna catch a movie and hang out  
**KYLE**  
I’m not freaking out.  
It’s just… slightly stressful.  
**STAN**  
Lmao why???  
It’s just Clyde and the guys  
They don’t bite  
I mean  
Craig might but everyone else is totally cool I swear  
**KYLE**  
What if they don’t like me?  
**STAN**  
Dude  
For reals?  
**KYLE**  
You were the one who said they might rip on me for being a snotty bookworm.  
**STAN**  
Yeah and you would deserve it  
**KYLE**  
I would not.  
**STAN**  
lol dude seriously  
Just be yourself and all that stuff  
They’re gonna think you’re totally cool  
**KYLE**  
And if they don’t?  
**STAN**  
Pfft oh well then who cares?  
Since when did you give a shit if people like you or not?  
**KYLE**  
I don't, but they’re your friends. I would at least hope to get along with some of them.  
**STAN**  
They’re gonna like you bro  
Don’t even worry  
And if they don’t well it’s their fucking loss  
**KYLE**  
Does Craig really bite?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude  
And he got fucked up teeth  
**KYLE**  
Shit.

 

_Thurs, Oct 13, 10:31 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyleeeeeee  
Whatcha doing??  
I’m hella bored  
Can you come over???  
**KYLE**  
I can’t get up. Elway is conveniently asleep on my laps.  
**STAN**  
Awww bro I wanna see :(  
You should bring him over too  
We can have a sleepover  
**KYLE**  
We aren’t 12.  
**STAN**  
There is no age limit to sleepovers dude  
It doesn’t say that on the package  
**KYLE**  
Well, I’m petitioning for one now. Until then, I’m going to pass on tonight.  
**STAN**  
Lame  
What if I come over instead?  
I mean like  
If that’s cool and stuff?  
**KYLE**  
Are you going to climb through my window?  
**STAN**  
Uh I could?  
But I can’t use the door?  
**KYLE**  
Do you want to meet my mom?  
**STAN**  
No fucking thanks  
**KYLE**  
Then you have your answer.  
**STAN**  
Alright yeah cool  
I’ll see you tomorrow anyways  
Say night night to Elway for me :)  
**KYLE**  
No.  
**STAN**  
Goddamn it you don’t change :\  
**KYLE**  
I do not. Good night, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Alright alright  
Night dude!

 

_Wed, Oct 19, 6:23 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude  
Where are you??  
You were supposed to be here like 20 minutes ago????  
**KYLE**  
Shit, I’m sorry! I had to help Ike with something last minute. I’m on my way now right now.  
**STAN**  
HURRY THE FUCK UP  
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY PARTY  
HOW CAN YOU BE LATE?????  
**KYLE**  
I know! I’m sorry!  
I’m coming!

_6:30 PM_

**STAN**  
lol  
**KYLE**  
What?  
**STAN**  
Nothing  
Just  
I always wanted to hear you say that  
**KYLE**  
What.  
**STAN**  
With little differences tho  
Like  
I’m on top of you  
Your legs are wrapped around my waist  
I’m slamming my cock in you  
You're tight but you want me so bad  
It feels so fucking good  
You're begging and begging for more  
Begging me to fuck you harder  
Make you come please  
And you’re saying  
Fuck Stan  
More  
More  
Right there  
Like that  
Yes  
Yes  
Fuck  
Fuck  
Yes! Yes! Yes!  
Yes!  
I'm coming!  
I'm coming!  
You know kinda like that?  
**KYLE**  
Goddamn it, Kenny. Get off Stan’s phone.  
**STAN**  
oh no~~! u caught me! did i make a good impression of u?  
**KYLE**  
For the last time, stop touching Stan’s stuff.  
**STAN**  
my my so protective since when?  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. Kenny, I'm serious. It's not cool. You wouldn’t want us pretending to be you and texting Marjorine, would you?  
**STAN**  
oooh i might~ what will u say?  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. Nevermind. Just… delete all of that and put his phone back where you found it.  
**STAN**  
boo u r no fun. ( .. )  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m such a bore, blah blah blah.  
**STAN**  
r u almost here? i think stanley is abt to take his shirt off. (♥ω♥ ) ~♪  
**KYLE**  
I don’t even want to know why yet I’m somehow not surprised.  
I’ll be there in 10.  
**STAN**  
pick up the pace or ull miss the good parts. o(≧∇≦o)  
**KYLE**  
I’m sure I won’t.  
Oh by the way for the record, if he and I ever get there, I'd top the shit out of him.  
**STAN**  
ohoooo thats more like it! (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖ might be tonite? it would be a rly good bday present~~  
just don’t wear him out so soon okie?  
**KYLE**  
Like I said, if we ever get there...  
**STAN**  
u will. u 2 r what the kids call meant 2 b.  
c u soon bb~

 

_Mon, Nov 7, 8:03 PM_

**STAN**  
Dude why do you keep leaving the group chat???  
**KYLE**  
I told you I didn't want to be added in the first place.  
**STAN**  
Why not???  
Everyone's in that group!  
**KYLE**  
That’s exactly why. It’s too much, and they never talk about anything engaging.  
**STAN**  
What are you talking about??  
We totally talk about awesome things all the time  
**KYLE**  
Like what?  
**STAN**  
Like video games  
And sports  
And other cool shit that cool kids talk about  
**KYLE**  
Really?  
**STAN**  
Yeah dude!!  
You just need to stick around longer  
**KYLE**  
Yesterday, there were 13 pictures messaged back and forth of objects that look like testicles.  
**STAN**  
Lmao exactly!!  
How great wasn’t that???  
I like the cactus one the best  
Omg I should totally get one  
Put it on the living room table  
**KYLE**  
No.  
And this morning, there were 78 - I repeat 78 - messages in which Clyde whined and complained why Craig “went gay for Tweek” instead of for him.  
I don't need that in my life.  
**STAN**  
K but did you read that whole thing he wrote tho??  
He made some really good points!!  
I mean they're best friends  
You should go for your best friend first  
That just seems right  
**KYLE**  
Is that what you believe?  
**STAN**  
I mean  
Yeah?  
Like you have the strongest connection and stuff so it’s like  
Idk  
Normal?  
Like I bet everyone has little bits of feelings for their best friend one time or another  
**KYLE**  
So then are you confessing that you had in the past or currently now possess feelings for Kenny?  
**STAN**  
Wtf  
How  
No of course not??  
Where the hell did that come from??  
**KYLE**  
He's been your best friend since kindergarten. By your aforementioned theory, it’d be normal if you harbor a certain degree of affection for him.  
**STAN**  
K yeah but no way like Kenny’s totally different??  
He's like my brother  
This is really weird  
I don’t like this  
Can we go back to talking about cactus balls?  
**KYLE**  
No, I think we should explore these unrequited feelings you have for Kenny.  
**STAN**  
I DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR KENNY  
**KYLE**  
I recall very clearly you said and I quote, “He’s funny and really smart too and pretty awesome / And he’s really easy on the eyes.”  
**STAN**  
How  
The fuck  
I call shenanigans  
You made that shit up  
I never said that  
I really wanna talk about the cactus balls again  
Can we go back to that please?  
**KYLE**  
It’s not good to bottle up your feelings. You need to acknowledge and nurture them.  
**STAN**  
I was just saying SOME people go for their best friends  
Doesn’t mean I do!!  
Besides you're my best friend too so like  
**KYLE**  
So like what?  
**STAN**  
NEVERMIND NOTHING  
**KYLE**  
Is there something you’d like to tell me?  
**STAN**  
SORRY THE PERSON YOU’RE TRYING TO REACH IS DEAD  
PLEASE DO NOT CALL AGAIN  
**KYLE**  
Do you like Kenny more than you like me?  
**STAN**  
What???  
NO  
DUDE  
WHAT?  
**KYLE**  
If Kenny and I were both drowning, who would you save?  
**STAN**  
WHAT  
NO  
WTF WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT  
**KYLE**  
I’d like to hear your answer please.

_8:44 PM_

**STAN**  
K I thought about it  
If I can only save one of you I would just jump in the water too dude  
I ride or die with you two  
**KYLE**  
How impractical as always.  
**STAN**  
AND YOU’RE RUDE AF LIKE ALWAYS  
I would DIE with you two  
How is that not totally awesome and tragic??  
You should be crying right now dude  
What would you do??  
**KYLE**  
I would save Kenny.  
**STAN**  
WOW  
**KYLE**  
I’d save Kenny then I’d have Kenny save you.  
**STAN**  
WTF???  
You can only save one tho??  
**KYLE**  
Yeah, I save Kenny. That’s my one. Then Kenny saves you. That’s his one. There’s no rule that states whomever you don’t choose die automatically.  
Everyone lives in my version.  
**STAN**  
…  
The fuck  
Is wrong with you  
**KYLE**  
You just need to think outside the box, Stan.  
**STAN**  
Fuck the box  
That’s bullshit  
You can only save one!!!!!!  
The other one dies  
CHOOSE  
**KYLE**  
Oh boy...  
**STAN**  
CHOOSE!  
**KYLE**  
Are you ready to face the truth?  
**STAN**  
FUCK  
YOU’RE GONNA SAY KENNY AREN’T YOU??  
I HOPE YOU FUCKING DROWN  
IN A PEE TSUNAMI  
**KYLE**  
I’d choose you.  
**STAN**  
CHOKING IN YOUR OWN PISS  
Oh shit wait what  
Really?  
Me?  
**KYLE**  
Yeah.  
**STAN**  
Really? :D  
**KYLE**  
You’re my best friend, Stan. Of course, I’d choose you.  
**STAN**  
Awww bro :’)  
**KYLE**  
Then you save Kenny. Everyone still lives.  
**STAN**  
Uhhhhh dude  
I don’t really think you really understand the point of this whole thing  
**KYLE**  
Do you want to catch me at Kenny’s funeral?  
**STAN**  
No dude ofc not  
**KYLE**  
Then save Kenny.  
**STAN**  
Kk fine  
But that’s like not the point of the question  
**KYLE**  
Stop arguing.  
**STAN**  
Kk fine wev  
Thanks for saving me tho :)  
**KYLE**  
Thank you for choosing to die instead of saving all of us and for leaving Marjorine without a husband.  
**STAN**  
DUDE  
I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE UNTIL I DO  
IT’S SAD AND TOUCHING!!!!  
**KYLE**  
It’s not.  
**STAN**  
It is  
**KYLE**  
It’s not.  
**STAN**  
IT IS  
**KYLE**  
Yeah... I’m not doing this.  
**STAN**  
Yes you are

_9:04 PM_

**STAN**  
Kyle  
Yes you are

_9:16 PM_

**STAN**  
KYLE  
YES YOU ARE

 

_Sun, Nov 13, 11:35 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyleeeee  
How come you don’t text me anymore? ;(  
**KYLE**  
Because I spend about a third of my day with you, every day?  
Of course that’s just my theory. If you have another one, I’d love to hear it.  
**STAN**  
I miss texting you  
It’s like there’s nothing to look at in my phone anymore :\  
We should go back to texting  
Hey Kyle  
Send me a text  
**KYLE**  
We’re literally sitting next to each other right now. There is no reason to text.  
**STAN**  
Text me  
Kyle  
Text me  
C’mon  
Send me a text  
C’mon dude  
Hey  
Hey  
Kyle  
Look  
I’m texting you  
Text me back  
Text me back  
Hey  
Hey  
Kyle  
Text me back  
**KYLE**  
Shut up.  
I’m blocking you.  
**STAN**  
WHY  
FINE WEV  
You can’t block me IRL tho :0  
**KYLE**  
Don’t test me.

_11:53 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle stop ignoring me pleASE  
I’ll stop texting you  
I swear  
Kyle  
Stop ignoring me  
Please  
Look at me  
Kyle look  
This way  
KYLE  
LOOK AT ME  
I’M POKING YOU  
LOOK AT ME  
STOP IGNORING ME  
KYLE

_12:14 PM_

**STAN**  
I can’t believe you punched me  
How could you ;(  
**KYLE**  
I told you not to test me.  
**STAN**  
Then you shouldn't ignore me!!!!  
**KYLE**  
You poked me in the nostril!  
**STAN**  
That was an accident bro  
I was going for your cheek  
You didn’t have to fucking deck me dude  
**KYLE**  
Yeah well, be glad I didn’t go for your nuts.  
**STAN**  
You wouldn’t...  
**KYLE**  
Don’t. Test. Me.  
**STAN**  
D:

 

_Sat, Nov 19, 12:01 AM_

**STAN**  
Hey Kyle?  
**KYLE**  
Yes, Stan?  
**STAN**  
You got a minute?  
**KYLE**  
I can spare one, but only one.  
**STAN**  
lol thanks  
I have something I wanna say  
And it's probably gonna take longer than a minute  
**KYLE**  
Then you should've asked for more to start with.  
**STAN**  
K can I have like 5 minutes??  
**KYLE**  
Yes. What is it?  
**STAN**  
K so k this is gonna be long and probably very messy so just hang in there with me  
You know I’m still not good with words and talking about stuff and stuff yeah  
**KYLE**  
I’m aware, yes.  
**STAN**  
And I mean I know this is something I should really say in person but like idk if I can do it cuz everytime I think about saying it and I wanted to say it a lot a lot of times before but I can’t cuz like I said it’s like really hard to put my thoughts together and stuff but it’s really important and I really want you to hear it so I’m gonna do this way k  
**KYLE**  
Okay. Slow down. Take your time.  
**STAN**  
K so uh here we go  
I’m really glad you’re here Kyle  
I mean I honestly don’t even know if I was ever as happy with my life as I am right now cuz you’re here with me  
I’m gonna steal what you said and I wanna tell you you’re super crucial to who I am and my whole existence and all that  
And I know I said it like a million times when I was drunk and not really myself so it probably doesn't even mean anything or idk if you believe me or not but  
I really really really freaking love you  
I love you Kyle  
And I know this is super cheesy but I legit can’t imagine my life without you anymore  
Every version of where I see myself going you’re there with me  
There is literally not a me with no you  
There is no me without you  
Like I said wherever this road leads us I want to walk it with you  
Btw this all sounds way hella more romantic in my head but yeah you know words me bad  
So I guess what I’m trying to ask is do you feel the same?  
Do you see yourself being with me like that?  
I’m not asking like for the rest of our lives or anything like that  
Just right now  
Do you feel the same?  
**KYLE**  
Are you proposing to me? You haven’t even met my mother yet.  
**STAN**  
Lmao no  
I mean  
Oh god I don’t ever wanna meet her if I can help it  
But like I wasn't thinking that far ahead yet  
I mean I just wanted to ask  
At least for now to start off  
Do you want to be my boyfriend?  
**KYLE**  
I wish you had asked me in person.  
**STAN**  
Yeah lol  
Like I said  
I think my heart might explode  
So lol yeah…...  
What’s your answer?  
**KYLE**  
I’ll tell you in person.  
**STAN**  
Oh  
K  
K  
When?  
**KYLE**  
Now.  
**STAN**  
Oh k cool  
I mean it’s like 12:30 in the morning but cool  
Cool  
Coool  
Coooooool

_12:57 AM_

**KYLE**  
I’m not going to ring the doorbell, but I’m here. Can you come to the door?  
**STAN**  
Wait uh  
Can you tell me your answer first?  
**KYLE**  
I’m literally outside.  
**STAN**  
I know but like  
This is like WAY TOO much pressure  
So can you just like tell me what you’re gonna say first?  
**KYLE**  
I’m literally standing outside your apartment, Stan.  
Are you seriously not going to open the door until I give you my answer?  
It’s fucking cold out here.  
**STAN**  
I know ! I know! But I just need to know first so just tell me??  
**KYLE**  
What the fuck?  
**STAN**  
Just tell me first then I’ll open the door  
Please  
I can’t take it  
**KYLE**  
Is this really happening? Are we actually doing this?  
I’m literally fucking standing outside. I can see your silhouette!  
**STAN**  
It’s super simple and super quick  
Yes or no  
Take 3 seconds to answer  
5 tops  
**KYLE**  
Stan, open the fucking door and let me in.  
**STAN**  
Just answer me first!!!!  
PLEASe???  
I can’t handle this  
My heart is DYING  
**KYLE**  
Oh my fucking God. You can’t be serious.  
**STAN**  
PLEASEE  
I’M SERIOUS  
I CAN’T HANDLE THIS  
**KYLE**  
Yes, Stan. Yes, I will be your fucking boyfriend. Now will you open the fucking door? I can’t feel my fingers.

_1:04 AM_

**KYLE**  
Holy shit! Did you throw up?  
**STAN**  
No  
Idk what you are talking about  
**KYLE**  
I heard you.  
Fuck, I can see and smell it.  
God, what the fuck!? Why did you throw up?!  
**STAN**  
I really dunno what you’re talking about but hang on brb

_1:13 AM_

**STAN**  
Kyle???? Where did you go???  
I opened the door and you weren’t there!!!!  
**KYLE**  
I left.  
**STAN**  
Why!?!?!?  
**KYLE**  
Because you’re an idiot and don’t you dare say anything like “but I’m your idiot.”  
**STAN**  
Nooooo  
I’m your BOYFRIEND ;D  
**KYLE**  
Ugh. I’m already regretting this.  
**STAN**  
Wait did you really leave?  
I don’t see you?  
**KYLE**  
Why don’t you come out and find me?  
**STAN**  
But it’s hella cold and I’m in my pj dude  
**KYLE**  
Not even 10 minutes in and you’re already the worst boyfriend ever.  
**STAN**  
Lmao jk jk!!  
Don’t go anywhere kk??  
Stay there!!  
**KYLE**  
I will.  
Hey Stan?  
**STAN**  
Wait don't say it  
I want to hear it with my own ears  
In person  
**KYLE**  
All right then. Hurry before the visitors get to me.  
**STAN**  
Don’t worry dude!  
Wherever you go I’ll meet you where you are

* * *

 _✉_ _no new messages_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where to start thanking you all for their support these past months. I honestly wouldn't have carried through and completed this story if it weren't for all of your feedback, kudos, and interest.
> 
> There are things I want to do differently or re-work better (like them plot holes) looking back on this story. There's also a lot I had to leave out before it boggled the plot down too much. Regardless, I hope it's been a story you've enjoyed. It's been a wonderful journey travelling with this version of Stan and Kyle. I hope you'll miss them as much I know I will. :)
> 
> Thank you again! Until next time~


End file.
